Suicidal thoughts
No one knows me
No one cares or pays attention
Mica needs me
The babies need me
So I live
I survive
So one day they will thrive
Tempted to fall off the wagon.
If I give in, I will have made it 2 years 9 months and 2 days
At least Daddy made it 10 years
He never let me see the struggle then
From age 4 to 14, he was there, sober, holding on.
Double Talk Quote: “I give you an arm and you take a leg.” – Amor
Verse: Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Word that has Lost its meaning: Try
Relatable Lyrics: “Going Through Changes” (replace the word “fame” with “family”) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owpSzlGRB_0
SuperMom Mentality 
Comments on: "Holding On" (5)
((((HUGS))))) please keep holding on, you beautiful, gifted soul!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really think that suicidal thoughts came from me, not Brooks. Brooks loved life – he really did. This post could have been written by me, so many times. However, Brooks always said that suicide was not an option – it should never be considered. It was only in his later years that he even felt bad enough to think about suicide, and I believe that was associated with problems he was having due to addictions (side-effects of addiction that he wouldn’t admit to himself – he thought his body just was having problems due to older age). Even though you feel this way, you MUST resist this – you have NO idea what this would do to the whole family. It would bring in a precedent that could devastate the family in ways you could never know. It would bring a spiritual curse. If you feel bad enough to seriously consider this, you should take action to get yourself well. There are things out there that you have not tried, and you should try EVERYTHING before getting to a place to consider taking your own life. I will be praying for you, and as always, I love you.
LikeLike
And I know for a fact that Brooks did not die from suicide – he was looking forward to Christmas with [Edited by author (Mica)] – he told me so. He just had this thing that if a little was good, a lot was a whole bunch better, and that doesn’t work so well with morphine. He was a pretty good judge of what and how much he could take of stuff, but didn’t realize that getting older made things different, and also, he only used when he had money, and that was only once a month. So he was constantly getting clean because he had no money, then using when he had it. I’ve heard time after time of someone getting clean then using again and it being too much and killing them.
LikeLike
I didn’t mean to imply that daddy committed suicide. I know he did not. I was referring to him staying sober when I was a girl despite being unmedicated. Perhaps my writing was vague. The temptation is not to kill myself. I have always categorically denied ever attempting suicide and will never bring any such thoughts to fruition. They are only thoughts. The temptation lies in substance abuse.
LikeLike
Good to hear that! Those thoughts for me have lessened over the years, and I’m glad for that too. Substance abuse has never really been a temptation to me (except for food or Diet Mtn Dew). Funny how that works isn’t it? Different people tempted by different things.
LikeLiked by 1 person