Archive for October, 2014

8. What a Week – Thrusday Full Circle

super mommies & super babies

Grandma’s sickness seemed to be escalating. Amor had to miss out on sleep again to take Mica to school. I was dead set against going back to the store. Sarah still can’t drive so I was hoping Joe could take her to buy snacks but he took off work because he was sick – well, he had a crink in his neck so severe that he couldn’t turn his head. So the house was full of people, no one in a position to drive.

I looked around for what we have to take to the mommy’s group. We had tons of Tuna and chick peas in the pantry. I didn’t think they’d appreciate that. We had a lot of pancake mix, but that would require too much prep time. After some intense searching, Sarah and I put together a mix of carrots & dressing, celery, and a package of cookies. Done.

I took a deep breath and reflected on the stressful week I’d had. I make it through. We were all weak but alive.  (Written for Oct 23, 2014)

Belle & BellaBelle & Brooks
I wish I could say this week has been easier, but Grandma got sicker, and depressed. This weekend both Hope and Mica got stomach bugs. Sarah, Joe and Asher when out of town. It’s the end of the month and our bank account is dangerously low. Because everyone’s sick or gone, the house has been a disaster. I’m off my bipolar meds, so I don’t feel very safe. My throat is sore and my head hurts. At least it doesn’t itch.

Mica and Rewards
I just keep looking up. I’m trusting God to pull us through and keep me stable and sane. I’m looking at the bright side of things. All this “Murphy’s Law” stuff can be quite amusing if you look at it from a certain angle. Right!?! I live with quite the cast of characters. But I love them deeply and appreciate and cherish all the great moments I do have with each of them.

Red twin smiles 1
Wonderful things about this week:
– Mica waiting for 10 minutes in a tiny section of our half bath after hearing me say I had to use the   restroom, then popping out and scaring the skeleton out of me.
– Bella discovering her foot and even getting it to her mouth.
– Brooks crying because he realized Bella was upset (empathy).
– Asher pooping all over Sarah, twice in a row, then peeing on her when she went to change his diaper.
– Joe catching me rapping with ear buds on when I thought I was alone.
– Being able to do one small thing to help Grandma when she was sick, after all the wonderful things she does to help me.
– All the double-talk quotes I got!

7. What a Week! Wednesday

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Grandma was still sick so she couldn’t take Mica to school. That meant Amor had to wake up in the middle of his “shift” to take her. He wouldn’t dare make up the sleep, however by missing his regularly scheduled soccer game. We all paid for that later. (The man gets grumpy if he’d denied the basic necessities of life: food, sleep, sex and soccer).

Bella had thrush that I thought had cleared up. But it was showing signs of coming back. I had to sanitize all the bottles and pacifiers and pump parts, again, no easy task. It felt like a repeat of sanitizing all Mica’s stuff from the lice incident, except with baby stuff. I had to put medication on my nipples, which actually made them sorer than I think they had been in the beginning.
Starla came over at about 1pm. I needed to go major grocery shopping. We have been very strapped for cash lately, and those quick meals that sneak up on us have been costly. Amor “runs” to the store quite frequently to buy a chicken or what-not and those visits not only add up financially, but take a lot of time, so I also feel like I’m left with the babies a lot. I figure by planning meals ahead of time and making one big trip, we can save time and money.

It’s been a while since I was the one doing the shopping, plus I went to a new store, so it took longer than I’d hoped. I also bought a cheap vacuum. We had installed carpet in the room before the babies were born and we don’t allow the pets to come in, but somehow, there is cat hair everywhere. When I got home, I asked Amor to put the food away so that he would know what I’d purchased and where it was. But he flat out refused but did offer to take the babies to Tia’s house while I did that. I pumped then spent the rest of the afternoon doing prep work for meals for the next few weeks. I tried out the new vacuum and it was terrible. One more thing to add to my “to-do” list – return to store. I got done around 6pm, just in time for babies and Mica to return. I nursed one baby at a time while simultaneously helping Mica get ready for bed. I popped my head in to check on mom. She asked me for a Diet Mt. Dew. I’d have to go to the store. I reluctantly sent Amor while I tried to keep my eyes open long enough to get my 3 kids to close theirs. An hour later, he returned with the soda, and all the other stuff he said I’d failed to get from the store earlier. So much for making a list and sticking to it.

Far too exhausted for a shower, I fell into bed, as I started to drift off I remembered: Sarah and I were supposed to take snacks for our mommy’s group on Friday. I had completely forgotten about that while at the store.

6. What a Week! The Last of Monday and Tuesday

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I had to pick up Mica from school early because they found nits still in her hair. Apparently Grandma didn’t get every single one out this weekend. But Amor was still in the shower and there was no one to watch the babies. I considered taking the babies with me, but just as I was putting Brooks in the car seat, Amor came out. I got Mica and went straight to the pharmacy where we ran into a classmate there for the same reason. “I don’t understand how he could have gotten them” exclaimed his mom. Um, me neither?

Back in the van ready to go home – it won’t crank. I saw a female security guard pass and flagged her down, asking for a jump. She called in for help, even though I had jumper cables, apparently, it’s their policy to use the battery box. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I looked at Mica who kept scratching her head and I could feel my boobs swelling up. Now I actually wished I’d brought a baby or two, or at least a pump. I looked around and saw a guy just sitting in his car. Maybe he could help me. I asked him for a jump just as the second (elderly male) security officer arrived and told him not to worry about it. The man tried charging the van for about 30 minutes while I filled out liability paperwork. (Jeeze, who knew it was so complicated to jump a battery these days!) The van still wouldn’t start. I begged him to jump it from his car. No, no it’s against policy. The first security officer came back and I tried to explain my engorgement situation to her, in hopes that she’d jump it with her car. She was sympathetic and tried, but then she remembered there was a problem with the latch of her hood and she couldn’t get it up. Just then, Amor arrived. He had borrowed a truck, packed up the babies and come to pick us up. Yes…that’s my white (uh, Mexican) knight!
We got home pretty late. We called grandma in for support and they went to retrieve the van (and exchange one of the defective products they had sold me at the store!). Meanwhile, I tended to babies, tried to teach Mica how to essentially do algebra in Spanish (her homework gets pretty complicated sometimes), all while picking nits out of her hair with a flashlight in my mouth or tied to my head.

Really… Where are the reality show film crews? You can’t make this stuff up!

Tuesday Oct 21, 2014
So so very tired. There was some ambiguity about if Mica was going to school today. Her class was scheduled to go on a field trip. I pulled myself out of bed to see what the report would be. She didn’t want to get up, Amor was asleep, and Grandma didn’t feel like taking her (she felt a cold coming on). Ok, so I let her sleep in. It was kind of peaceful from 6:30am to 7. The babies breastfed back-to-back and I got to cuddle each on the bed. Tia showed up. Very unusual, since she’s a night owl and rarely up before 1pm. Bella was cuddle-able but Tia waited for me to finish nursing Brooks (yeah, she plays favorites). Before I got a chance to talk to her the phone rang. It was Mica’s teacher who noticed she wasn’t at school and encouraged me to bring her in just for the field trip. I was on the phone with her when Tia brought a now fussy Brooks back in just as Bella started stirring. I went and got Mica up and fixed Amor some coffee so he could take her to school.
When he returned he told me he had to leave to take the van to get inspected. Déjà vu. Didn’t he spend all day Thursday doing that. He gave me a long story about how it had to be running for a certain amount of time and he’d accidentally turned it off because he didn’t know that and the mechanic was the only one there and etc. It was getting late and I had an appointment later that day so I told him it would just have to wait. I needed his help. I showered!
After my appointment, I came straight home in vain hopes of getting a nap before Mica got home from school. Of course that didn’t happen. We had a church group coming and Grandma was very sick.

I could barely keep my eyes open. I had been feeling a strange sensation for a few weeks. In each moment, I was alert, but looking back, even on a few hours, everything was hazy. Amor would ask, “What have you been doing?” Ummm, I don’t know… surviving?

I came to the realization, that despite all this stress, and that I was handling it well for my condition, I just can’t continue to be this groggy. I feel like the Seroquel helps with my Bipolar disorder but I simply can’t deal with the loss of energy exchange.

Note: please forgive the “free” writing style I’ve been using throughout this series. Just trying to type down this experience and these feelings before they disappear into the past and dissolve into obscurity forever.

5. What a Week! More Monday

Woah mama

… It was 11:15 before I got a chance to take my brake. I knew I’d be pushing it, but I really wanted to lighten my hair and take a bath. It was 11:55 when I was walking out but Amor met me before I even made it to the room with a baby, it was time for him to leave for soccer and apparently, Starla had already said goodbye (although she hadn’t left yet). I realized I’d been too busy to fix Bella’s bottles that morning and he told me he fed her one while I was in the shower. I freaked out because I thought he’d fixed it wrong. Panic started to boil up in me and I let him have it. I pointed at the clock as I finished putting on my shirt, “Look, it is exactly 12pm and I’m back on duty” etc. I felt rage, so I went to the bathroom and started deep breathing exercises. I fought off thoughts too excruciating to type – “That’s a lie from the Devil. That’s not true” I told myself. The bible says…

“Anger is a secondary emotion,” trying to calm down “what’s really going on here?”

Deep breath. Ok. I’m angry, not at Amor, I’m angry at myself. I didn’t have the bottles set up. I took a break. I feel guilty. That’s it. Guilt. That’s completely irrational. I’m being irrational. I apologized to Amor and he left for soccer. Sarah and Joe were walking out the door too, to head to an appointment. Both babies were screaming. Brooks because he was hungry, Bella because she’d just eaten and needed to be held upright. I rocked them both and tried to feed Brooks but he kept coming unlatched. I also seemed to catch the first sense of jealousy in Bella’s eyes as I tried to feed her brother and just rock her. It didn’t work out.

Eventually, of course, it all passed. Amor came home and hopped in the shower. Bella had finally fallen asleep. Brooks had finally been fed. It was 2:10 when the phone rang. It was Mica’s school. I had to go pick her up. They’ve discovered nits in her hair. To be continued…

4. What a Week – Sunday (and part of Monday)

Love You Mica and Twins

Sunday – “Slept in” until about 5 or 6 am. Busy with the babies in the morning. Couldn’t even make it to church. Joel Osteen was just an advertisement that week. Oh well. Back to work on the clothes and disaster that is Mica’s room. Finally got her clothes organized, put in drawers, and dresses hung up in the closet. Starla came over to clean a bit, and Jeff to mow. Amor and I were exhausted but felt we needed to escape for just a bit. I asked Starla finish making the beds. I was so relieved she could help finish up. Amor and I took the twins to the thrift store so he could find some clothes. Bella and I explored the whole store. There was nothing there for us. We ended up in the little back room with the books and I read a baby sign language book to her. It was sweet. On the way home, we ordered Wendy’s for me, Little Ceasars for Amor, and Sheets gas on the way home. We arrived exhausted some more. I fell into bed just in time to hear foot steps into the house. My baby girl was home! Her hair was cut short. I told her she looked like a movie star. We chatted a bit, but not much, I was falling asleep.

Monday Oct 20, 2014
At 3am, I saw Mica’s book bag that I had washed and sanitized all neatly hung up in its rightful place, set out and ready to go, so I thought she had done her “list” to prepare for the next morning. I was wrong. But I didn’t find that out until I had let her sleep in. I actually went and cuddled her for about 30 minutes instead of making her get up and get ready. So it turned out to be a hectic morning getting ready for school. Both babies woke up during this time and I had to feed and pump while she dawdled. The last item on her morning list is “brush and style hair.” We didn’t get to that before time to leave. Looking back on it, I remember seeing her scratch her head. Starla came at about 10 and told me to take some time for myself. She could stay until 12. Amor had to leave at 12 also, to play soccer, which he refers to as “going to therapy.” He goes 3 times a week, for 2 hour each day. He must shower before and after going. I really just wanted a shower during my free time, but Amor and I had a meeting at 10:30 with a parenting counselor. If he’s going to be a hands-on dad, he needs to be educated but he hates reading with a passion. He has ADD big time and although he is incredibly intelligent, it’s because he is highly gifted, not formally educated. Anyway, the counselor gave us part two of a parenting survey and it took 1 hour and 15 minutes for me to read and make him answer a 20 multiple choice questionnaire. I was aggravated, but knowing that this is just not his “thing” and plus he was a bit sleep deprived, so I took deep breaths and remained calm…

3, What A Week! Last Saturday

9 years

Up at 3 am, pumping, going to take over for my shift, get the news that Mica has a terrible case of lice. I see major clean-up in my immediate future. Must strip beds, wash laundry, put away stuffed animals, the works. Must be done by the time Mica arrives home Sunday night to prevent re-infestation. Her book bag was filthy so I washed it, but very carefully because it has flashing lights in the lining. The washing machine and dryer ran all day, as did I.

At one point, Sarah, Joe, and Asher left and Amor pointed out that we were alone in the house. He asked me to put on some see through lingerie that would fit me (I had sorted some old clothes earlier in the week but hadn’t gotten around to going through that part of the closet yet). I come out in a see-through slip with bright pink silky panties and continue the chores. “Ooh, yeah… but what about…” So we went through this and that to find a very ridiculous black netted body suit and thongs. I texted Sars not to come home without calling first. After working for a few hours in the get-up to eliminate the possibility of lice in our home and doing load after load of laundry and stopping from time to time to pump / feed a baby or two, they finally went to sleep and we got our chance to have a short bit of intimate time. Afterwards, as I was putting back on my black and pink skirt I’d been wearing before we started the charade, he says, “You know what, I think you look even sexier in that.” Am I on Candid Camera?

I kept working but it became evident that it just wasn’t going to all get cleaned and sanitized that day.

Written for Oct 18, 2014

2. What a Week – Last Friday

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Woke up at 12am with Amor scolding me for not having gotten up earlier when he woke me to pump. I guess I’d slept through that. I slept until 3 and pumped again, took over with the babies, cuddled them one by one, couldn’t stay awake though, despite coffee and Adderall. I figured that since we weren’t having the yard sale anyway, I’d stop pushing so hard to sort junk, give myself a break. I did need to pack Mica’s stuff for the beach, but she and Amor were asleep in her room. I’ve been so tired lately, I started thinking, “Am I just not manic anymore, or is this a side-effect of the Seroquel?”  It does make me very drowsy.  I’ve also had a lot of back pain since falling while rushing to see the “blood moon” with Mica while still kind of out-of-it that morning.

Sarah and I went to our mommies’ group at 10. Asher was hungry by the time it was over and it usually takes Sarah a while to breastfeed him, so I lugged the babies downstairs. But, to my surprise, by the time we got down, he was ready to go, so I re-lugged them back upstairs and packed up the car. We arrived home at the time Amor would usually be leaving. But Amor had planned to skip soccer to help sort for the yard sale and I assumed he would be okay sticking to that because packing (for Mica’s weekend trip) is a big chore and they planned to leave at 3pm. When he plays, he returns at 2:15 and then has to take a shower. He was not happy to skip. Starla was here offering to help. We were out of milk and had WIC vouchers. The babies’ laundry had piled up. Mica arrived at about 1pm and helped me pack. I calmly explained to Amor that Starla could help with the babies, if he’d just get the Wic stuff, that would be such a big help. He told me I could do that after I packed and got Mica off. I told him that puts more stress on me and we have help right now, we won’t later! He went. After everyone left (Sars and Joe included), it was just Amor and I and the babies in the house. He was pouty. So I offered to spend some quality time with him and let him choose a Netflix show to watch. I fell asleep nursing Brooksies during the third rerun episode of “My name is Earl.”

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