I’ve been in a stuck in a swamp of major Bipolar depression for nearly three months now. When I first felt myself falling in, I reached out to my counselor, with whom I had fallen out of contact. I patiently awaited my psychiatrist appointment, which wasn’t until in mid-July. My counselor didn’t want me to wait until then, however, suggesting that I “get evaluated” at a mental health institution. That was NOT going to happen. I have a “fear of commitment,” especially considering what happened the last time I was there. Anyway, I saw my Psychiatrist a few days ago and she adjusted my medication quite a bit. Of course, it’s too early to have taken effect but I am hopeful.
Everyone has ups and downs in their lives. It is just so much more extreme for people with Bipolar disorder. But God promises to be there every step of the way, even when our burden gets too heavy for us to bear. Of all the symptoms a depressed person experiences, “hopelessness” has not been one of them for me. Hope is the one thing I have been able to hold on to, to get me through this valley. It’s a “Footprints” in the sand sort of situation:
The twins’ birthday was at the end of June, I now have two threes!
Though they bring me lots of joy, they are about three handfuls nowadays, stretching borders and testing limits. I have implemented a “Stop Light” behavioral system. Each morning they start out on green and if they stay on green they get a reward at the end of the day. But if they misbehave, they get a warning and move to yellow, then red, then it’s Time Out. If their behavior improves, they can move back down the color chart. Bella often ends the day on green, but Brooks (my rough-&-tumble, all-boy, mischief maker) is usually up at the top on red.
But the other night, they both ended their day on green and as a reward, I offered to play a special game with them. I pulled out “Candy Land” and explained how to play. They were so excited at first, but Brooks quickly became bored with the board game (pun intended) and wandered off to play something else on his own. Bella and I continued and she got “Queen Frostine” rather quickly, which put her way ahead of me, which made me happy because I wanted her to win the game her first time playing. But then I drew “Princess Lolly,” then got double blues which put me ahead of her. She was cool about it, though. As we both approached “Gloppy at Molasses Swamp” I warned her, jokingly, “Now don’t draw a red, don’t draw a red card, if you do, you’ll get stuck until you get another red card!” The tension built as we both got closer and closer to the red game piece with the black dot on it, when low and behold, she got a purple, just past the red. And low and behold, I drew a red and got stuck in “Molasses Swamp.”
As Bella got closer and closer to the end of the game, and I kept drawing cards that weren’t red, she started to get visibly concerned. Finally, when she was just two colors away from winning, she took her pawn’s hand and used it to grab my pawn’s hand and pulled mine up with hers. “I saved you, mommy, Now we both winneded!” she exclaimed as she put both pieces on “Candy Castle.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried my best not to cry. Little moments like that do save me. In those moments no one loses. And even the smallest of victories count. We can’t always save ourselves but God can use others to pull us out of the swamp.
(Mica 9, Hope 8, Brooks & Bella 3, Asher 2, Audrey 5 mo)
Double Talk Quote: “Oh my gosh, I never seen that in the world!” – Brooks 6/17 (in awe at Mica’s super-long Chinese noodle)
Bible Verse: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Word that has Lost its Meaning: stuck
Relatable Lyrics: “Quiet you with my Love” By Rebecca St. James
“Come to Me, all who are weary
And take My yoke upon you
My burden is easy and light
Lay your head down on My shoulders
Be still my child, rest a while
And I’ll quiet you with My love
Rejoice over you with My song”