“So how much sleep have you been getting lately?” asked my counselor. “On average about four hours a night,” I replied. “You can’t keep going like that, can you? How do you see this resolving itself?” “I’m hoping it will just even out and I’ll ease down from being manic into stable.” (Anyone reading who has bipolar disorder, knows someone with bipolar disorder or knows anything about bipolar disorder, you can laugh out loud here).
I take mood stabilizers and medication that is supposed to help me sleep. But when I become manic, my brain tends to fight with those medications. It’s like it overrides them or something. The meds do some good (four hours is better than no sleep at all), but they aren’t powerful enough to stop my brain train.
I’ve been this way, my conscious self fighting with my subconscious self to sleep, for a few weeks. I was having other manic symptoms, but all were relatively manageable. But the tension was building. Money issues, problems with my daughter’s school work, babies throwing tantrums, keeping up with daily tasks, when the days run into each other; these are all difficult things to manage. Then there’s my husband. He is a character. I love him. But I’m not convinced he’s not trying to kill me (oh, the stress).
The straw that broke the camel’s back: sickness. I don’t know if my body was just too weary to fight it off or if my brain was just to exhausted to keep trying, but I got sick, very, very, sick. I was in bed in excruciating pain for several days. It started Sunday night, mid-fight with Amor. I suffered through to Tuesday night but then I became bed-ridden, until Friday morning. During that time, my mom bought flowers, and she and my sisters took care of my little ones. Amor “did his own thing.” I wondered if this is how it would be if I died. That made me cry.
One doesn’t usually ease back into a state of normalcy after being manic. There’s usually a big crash into depression. At least being sick gave my body a chance to stop and get healthy and actually sleep. Hopefully it was a blessing in disguise and I won’t sink down low. I want to celebrate Christmas and rejoice with my little ones and see the look on their faces in wonderment. I want to and I will. I will not let anyone take that away from me.
Double Talk Quote: “The only reason I’m still here is because I am a responsible person.” – Amor
Bible Verse: “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
Term that has Lost its meaning: loving marriage
Relatable Lyrics: “Stomp” by Kirk Franklin
“Lately I’ve been going through some things that’ve really brought me down. I needs someone, somebody to help me come and turn my life around… Jesus, Your love is so amazing.”