Mommy Résumé

one of the best photos of all time

 Mommy Belle

321 WhitsEnd Lane, Bellesboro, Some State, USA 54321          SuperMommyOfTwins@gmail.com

Objective:  Explaining (in a tip-of-the-iceburg sort of way) what “Stay At Home Moms” do all day

Summery:

  • Expert off-spring maker & quality care provider with 7 years of extensive, expensive, and intensive mommying experience.
  • Dedicated wife and mother to 3 awesome children: one 7 year old daughter and a set of 8 month old boy/girl twins.  Aunt to two superkids: one 5 years old, and one 7 months.
  • Proven ability to manage multiple projects while (almost always) meeting challenging deadlines, such as dinner, church and most appointments.
  • Extensive involvement in all levels of child-rearing up to 7 years old.

Education:

– Valedictorian of High School (granted, there were a grand total of 12 seniors, but still…)

– Associate in Arts in Criminal Justice (a degree I’m proud to mention, although I’ve never been on the right or wrong side of the law)

– BS in Psychology (which, in my experience, is what most psychologists spew)

Experience & Skills:

  • Gourmet Chef (but some experience with short order cooking):  Ability to use multiple pots and pans, microwave and oven while simultaneously wearing a baby and ensuring the kitchen does not catch on fire or end up looking like a disaster by the time I am completed.
  • Janitor:  Temporary success from time-to-time completing never-ending cycles of laundry, cleaning floors, sorting and sanitizing toys, and dusting at least once per year.
  • Doctor:  No med school but I know how to fix the boo boos and kiss it all better.
  • Psychiatrist:  I manage my own Bipolar disorder, toggle among my 6 current psychiatric medications depending on current needs.
  • Child Psychologist:  Proven success manipulating motivating children to behave, particularly when others aren’t looking.
  • Teacher:  Have formed the enviable talent of explaining in long, drawn-out detail, extremely monotonous and simple things.
  • Scientist:  Extensive experimenting experience.  Most notably, using vinegar and baking soda for cleaning (and getting the kids involved in scrubbing when they hear “the sound of clean.”)
  • Preacher:  less of a “Brimstone and Fire” type and more of the “What Would Jesus do?” kind.  Relationship building, not religion teaching.
  • Investigator:  Sometimes, just once in a while, it is too quiet, and there is trouble amiss.
  • Police Officer, Judge, and Corrections Officer, I protect & serve and issue verdicts to end the disputes, and execute the sentences (usually time outs).
  • Professional Item Locator:  I know where any piece of any game is, at any given time.  I have the ability to subconsciously make a mental note when I see something out of place and recall its location when someone asks for it later.
  • Organization Specialist:  Use this must-have skill that all moms of multiples must acquire in order to simply survive.
  • Administrator and Administrative Assistant, I schedule and keep the appointments and make the coffee.
  • Event Planner:  How many birthdays and anniversaries there are every year?  In a family this large, more than one.  I handle all that with ease.
  • Author and Editor:  Have narrated and rewritten countless stories I have learned or made up, and continually recount events from my own life adding questions and morals.  Also must make time to write prayer journals and in baby books, so as to never forget.  Blog to express feelings and connect with others.
  • Computer and Electronics and Washing Machine Repair Person:  I can turn the computer off and back on again.  I can install a light bulb without getting shocked.  I can kick the machine ’til it works.  And that’s how that works.
  • Plumber:  Own plunger too.  And a homemade sink snake.  And a pipe wrench just in case.  I didn’t have fancy insulation, so I duct taped old towels to the water heater to save money.
  • Chief Fiscal Manager:  The bills get paid and the buck stops here.
  • Risk Examiner Specialist:  To determine how much insurance we need, usually just a helmet.
  • Singer / Songwriter: Children must fall asleep somehow / My children spark my inspiration (although I need a collaborator since I have lyrics but can’t write the music, I hear it in my head).
  • Actor / Entertainer:  Most of the time, I don’t feel like doing it, but it must be done so I slap on a smile and enthusiastically jump in and do what needs to be done.
  • Drill Sargent:  Use to combat defiance during periods of homework or chores – a last resort strategy.
  • Chauffeur:  Drive everyone everywhere, install all car seats correctly.
  • Personal Shopper:  Professional thrifter.  Main purchaser of things needed for self – times shopper for everyone else in the family.

Availability:

Available to work 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th shifts, capable of holding one baby and wearing the other during bathroom breaks.  On call during all other hours of the day/night.  Except when expected to service husband.

Compensation Expectations:  Far above rubies

(March 14, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Double Talk Quote: “It must be nice to just stay at home all day” – said the idiot  “Yes, I love laying around eating bon-bons and watching Judge Judy while the kids feed, teach, and love themselves and the house magically becomes clean.” – replied the smarty-pants stay-at-home-mom.

Bible Verse: Proverbs 31:10-31 “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies...”

Term that has Lost its meaning: career move

Relatable Lyrics: “The Mom Song” by Go Fish https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6nuB37MHko – This is a MUST LISTEN if you are a mom!

2015-03-20 kids earthquakers  earthquakers twins asher

Cat in the Hat 2015-04-02 Mommy resume

Advertisements

Comments on: "Mommy Résumé" (5)

  1. Kathy Ward Formyduval said:

    Astonishing! Love your Blog!
    wish you could help me find the key fob to my car!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Verrrrrrry clever! Loved this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] I followed up by giving them a link to my blog, sending 3 writing samples and my résumé (a boring one, not the fun mommy one (https://theearthquakers.wordpress.com/2015/04/04/mommy-resume/). […]

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: