SuperMom Mentality

It was Fall of 2010 when my father had a serious life-or-death health crisis which landed him in the ICU, on a ventilator, for nearly a week.  We visited him every day and other family members drove in, from all over the state, to pray over him and pay their respects.  We weren’t sure he was going to make it.

But he did.  He pulled right through and within about a week of his near-death experience, he was completely back to his normal (“untreated”, paranoid, humorous, enthusiastic, manic/depressive, self-medicating – bipolar) self.  Within a month of his miraculous recovery, he heard that the State Fair was coming to Raleigh and he wanted us all to go as a family.  He used to take us every year when I was a little girl.

I had hesitations.  I was so strapped for cash and just the thought of visiting a carnival jammed pack full of people with 2-year-old Mica in tow made me more than anxious.  But having been so close to losing him, I didn’t want to let him down.  So I agreed to go.  

It turned out being a lot of fun.  Daddy kept driving me nuts, though.  He’d get lost in the enormous crowd and stop to look at this and that, veering from our itinerary. During one such escapade, Mica & I got lost right along with him. He found an abandoned NC State Wolfpack stuffed animal (which he later gave to Mama as a gift) and we both were given free hats by the time we caught up with Mom, my sisters and the husbands!

Daddy had so much fun, especially with Mica on that excursion.  He showed her the animals and how to pet and feed them, he watched her ride some of her first ever amusement park rides, and played carnival games with her.  They even won a stuffed animal puppy dog (which she immidiately named “Ariel” but shortly there-after changed to “Scooby Doo Doggie”).  Daddy was in awe of the atmosphere and yet focused on what really mattered: that we were having a good time.  Together.

Around dusk, it had become a bit drizzly. I was exhausted and we still had a 2-hour trek back home. By about 8:15, I was really ready to leave.  Heading toward the exit, I heard daddy yelling from behind a few strangers, “Hey wait a second, Bellsie.”  I waited for him to catch up to me and he put a Supergirl necklace around my neck.  I smiled at the sentiment.  By the time we got out to the van, shortly before 9 pm, the rain had let up and sky was completely clear.  The Fireworks were not supposed to start until 9:30.  I wanted to skip them so bad.  I think everyone was as tired as I was and could have skipped them.  But daddy really wanted to see those fireworks.  So we munched on some boiled peanuts and waited.  “Thirty minutes isn’t that long to wait in the scheme of things,” I thought to myself.  And then came the big firework show.  Their position in the sky was better visible a few cars down so we ran from our van to get the best view possible.  But I found my eyes not set on the skies, but set somewhere else.  I marveled as my then 2-year-old daughter gazed into the miraculously sparkling sky.  I looked over at daddy.  He had the same ecstatic look and I could actually see the reflection of the fireworks in his sky-blue eyes.  They were the most spectacular fireworks I’d ever seen.  I was so glad we waited.

They were the last fireworks daddy ever saw.  He died two months later from an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

As life proceeded for us, I continued to take Mica places and she saw her share of fireworks, as did I, but none as beautiful as the ones with daddy at the state fair that night.  I began to believe that those would be the best fireworks I’d ever see.

But I was wrong.  

In early 2017, My family and I took our five little ones together to Disney World.  My then two-year-old twins had never seen a fireworks show before.  The first few nights, we could see and hear fireworks from afar at our motel room.  The show, of course, was right at the twins’ bedtime, but I really wanted them to see it.  So one evening, after our big day at Epcot, I dragged the whole crew back to the front of Cinderella’s castle.  We had to fight huge rustling crowds of people at Magic Kingdom both there and back.  But we arrived just in time to catch the fireworks show up close.

The sparkles were flying both across the skies and across the eyes of my sweet babes.  It reminded me of that same look of child-like wonderment daddy had had at the State Fair seven years earlier. 

I knew that, despite the treck there and back which we suffered through, it was incredibly worth it to see their smiles and Daddy’s reflections on all of their little faces.

Again, I began to believe that these would be the best fireworks I’d ever see.

But I was wrong again.

In the weeks and months that followed, my son, Brooks, who is named after his grandpa, would recall with enthusiasm, “remeber that time we saw the fireworks there!?!” anytime a Disney movie would come on and show Tinkerbelle flying over the famous Cinderella Castle.  He also asks a lot of questions about heaven.  One day, he started talking about grandpa Brooks and how grandpa Brooks can see him from heaven.  He looked up toward the sky, waved and said, “Hey Grandpa” with a big smile on his face.  In my mind’s eye, I could see him smiling down on us too… and then I drifted… into outer space, seeing nebula & comets & planets & asteroids & stars & galaxies & all kind of celestial beings. And just then I saw a tiny spark to my right.  I looked over and for a second, I could imagine what fireworks might look like from heaven.  Then my father, God spoke.  He spoke to my heart, “Bellsie, you’ve yet to see…. but one day, I will show you… and you will see with your daddy and your son and all those who went before you and and those who are to join and with your brother, Jesus Christ: one day, I will show you….the best fireworks you’ll ever see.”

(Drafted 2017, Completed July 2018)

Word that his lost its meaning:  Fair

Double-Talk Quote: “Your orders are wishes for me.” ~ Amor (Twisted & also Lost in translation; He meant to say, “your wish is my comand.”)

Bible Verse:  “A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.” Ecclesiastes 7:1

Relateable Lyrics:  Shooting Star by Owl City
“Let your colors burn and brightly burst
Into a million sparks that all disperse
And illuminate a world that’ll try to bring you down
But not this time …
Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light, ‘Cause it’s time for you to shine
Brighter than a shooting star, So shine no matter where you are tonight..”