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6. What a Week! The Last of Monday and Tuesday

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I had to pick up Mica from school early because they found nits still in her hair. Apparently Grandma didn’t get every single one out this weekend. But Amor was still in the shower and there was no one to watch the babies. I considered taking the babies with me, but just as I was putting Brooks in the car seat, Amor came out. I got Mica and went straight to the pharmacy where we ran into a classmate there for the same reason. “I don’t understand how he could have gotten them” exclaimed his mom. Um, me neither?

Back in the van ready to go home – it won’t crank. I saw a female security guard pass and flagged her down, asking for a jump. She called in for help, even though I had jumper cables, apparently, it’s their policy to use the battery box. I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I looked at Mica who kept scratching her head and I could feel my boobs swelling up. Now I actually wished I’d brought a baby or two, or at least a pump. I looked around and saw a guy just sitting in his car. Maybe he could help me. I asked him for a jump just as the second (elderly male) security officer arrived and told him not to worry about it. The man tried charging the van for about 30 minutes while I filled out liability paperwork. (Jeeze, who knew it was so complicated to jump a battery these days!) The van still wouldn’t start. I begged him to jump it from his car. No, no it’s against policy. The first security officer came back and I tried to explain my engorgement situation to her, in hopes that she’d jump it with her car. She was sympathetic and tried, but then she remembered there was a problem with the latch of her hood and she couldn’t get it up. Just then, Amor arrived. He had borrowed a truck, packed up the babies and come to pick us up. Yes…that’s my white (uh, Mexican) knight!
We got home pretty late. We called grandma in for support and they went to retrieve the van (and exchange one of the defective products they had sold me at the store!). Meanwhile, I tended to babies, tried to teach Mica how to essentially do algebra in Spanish (her homework gets pretty complicated sometimes), all while picking nits out of her hair with a flashlight in my mouth or tied to my head.

Really… Where are the reality show film crews? You can’t make this stuff up!

Tuesday Oct 21, 2014
So so very tired. There was some ambiguity about if Mica was going to school today. Her class was scheduled to go on a field trip. I pulled myself out of bed to see what the report would be. She didn’t want to get up, Amor was asleep, and Grandma didn’t feel like taking her (she felt a cold coming on). Ok, so I let her sleep in. It was kind of peaceful from 6:30am to 7. The babies breastfed back-to-back and I got to cuddle each on the bed. Tia showed up. Very unusual, since she’s a night owl and rarely up before 1pm. Bella was cuddle-able but Tia waited for me to finish nursing Brooks (yeah, she plays favorites). Before I got a chance to talk to her the phone rang. It was Mica’s teacher who noticed she wasn’t at school and encouraged me to bring her in just for the field trip. I was on the phone with her when Tia brought a now fussy Brooks back in just as Bella started stirring. I went and got Mica up and fixed Amor some coffee so he could take her to school.
When he returned he told me he had to leave to take the van to get inspected. Déjà vu. Didn’t he spend all day Thursday doing that. He gave me a long story about how it had to be running for a certain amount of time and he’d accidentally turned it off because he didn’t know that and the mechanic was the only one there and etc. It was getting late and I had an appointment later that day so I told him it would just have to wait. I needed his help. I showered!
After my appointment, I came straight home in vain hopes of getting a nap before Mica got home from school. Of course that didn’t happen. We had a church group coming and Grandma was very sick.

I could barely keep my eyes open. I had been feeling a strange sensation for a few weeks. In each moment, I was alert, but looking back, even on a few hours, everything was hazy. Amor would ask, “What have you been doing?” Ummm, I don’t know… surviving?

I came to the realization, that despite all this stress, and that I was handling it well for my condition, I just can’t continue to be this groggy. I feel like the Seroquel helps with my Bipolar disorder but I simply can’t deal with the loss of energy exchange.

Note: please forgive the “free” writing style I’ve been using throughout this series. Just trying to type down this experience and these feelings before they disappear into the past and dissolve into obscurity forever.

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

4. What a Week – Sunday (and part of Monday)

Love You Mica and Twins

Sunday – “Slept in” until about 5 or 6 am. Busy with the babies in the morning. Couldn’t even make it to church. Joel Osteen was just an advertisement that week. Oh well. Back to work on the clothes and disaster that is Mica’s room. Finally got her clothes organized, put in drawers, and dresses hung up in the closet. Starla came over to clean a bit, and Jeff to mow. Amor and I were exhausted but felt we needed to escape for just a bit. I asked Starla finish making the beds. I was so relieved she could help finish up. Amor and I took the twins to the thrift store so he could find some clothes. Bella and I explored the whole store. There was nothing there for us. We ended up in the little back room with the books and I read a baby sign language book to her. It was sweet. On the way home, we ordered Wendy’s for me, Little Ceasars for Amor, and Sheets gas on the way home. We arrived exhausted some more. I fell into bed just in time to hear foot steps into the house. My baby girl was home! Her hair was cut short. I told her she looked like a movie star. We chatted a bit, but not much, I was falling asleep.

Monday Oct 20, 2014
At 3am, I saw Mica’s book bag that I had washed and sanitized all neatly hung up in its rightful place, set out and ready to go, so I thought she had done her “list” to prepare for the next morning. I was wrong. But I didn’t find that out until I had let her sleep in. I actually went and cuddled her for about 30 minutes instead of making her get up and get ready. So it turned out to be a hectic morning getting ready for school. Both babies woke up during this time and I had to feed and pump while she dawdled. The last item on her morning list is “brush and style hair.” We didn’t get to that before time to leave. Looking back on it, I remember seeing her scratch her head. Starla came at about 10 and told me to take some time for myself. She could stay until 12. Amor had to leave at 12 also, to play soccer, which he refers to as “going to therapy.” He goes 3 times a week, for 2 hour each day. He must shower before and after going. I really just wanted a shower during my free time, but Amor and I had a meeting at 10:30 with a parenting counselor. If he’s going to be a hands-on dad, he needs to be educated but he hates reading with a passion. He has ADD big time and although he is incredibly intelligent, it’s because he is highly gifted, not formally educated. Anyway, the counselor gave us part two of a parenting survey and it took 1 hour and 15 minutes for me to read and make him answer a 20 multiple choice questionnaire. I was aggravated, but knowing that this is just not his “thing” and plus he was a bit sleep deprived, so I took deep breaths and remained calm…

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

And The Rain Came Down

2- 4X6, large Wedding Bliss

Keeping a marriage strong is hard work. Add cultural differences and it’s really hard. Multiply that with a kid and it’s really, really hard. Add twins and, well, you can imagine. It is exponentially hard when mental illness is thrown in the equation. Amor and I have had our share of difficulties over the years, but nothing like after the birth of our twins.

All of our children have an amazing anointing over their lives. I believe that all children are born with a specific purpose and plan (Jeremiah 29:11) but that not all great things come to fruition in one’s life because Satan meddles and gets lives off track. God can turn all that around of course and use what Satan had twisted for evil and use it for good (Romans 8:28). But one can avoid so much pain and confusion and time by following God in the first place. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). This is the goal for my children. They are going to be “Earthquakers” and shake things up here on earth for the glory of God.

In our lives, Satan has been trying to meddle; trying to annihilate what he knows is trouble for his attempts to kill, steal, and destroy. One way he’s been trying to get at our little anointed ones is by attacking our marriage. I am married to a very brilliant man who is very smart and talented in many diverse areas. Being a stay-at-home dad, however, is not his forte. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was unable to take care of Mica and Hope the way I had before. Amor (who lost his job when he asked for time off) had to take over. Due to cultural differences, and the fact that he’s never been responsible for this area of our lives made the transition difficult for us all. Structure, discipline and consistency are not traits he grew up with or puts much emphasis on.

The babies were born in the summer. By the time school started for Mica, we had very different ideas of how to handle parenting issues. We also disagreed about the best way to handle various baby issues. His point of view was that, Biblically speaking, he is the head of the household and I should submit to him. My point of view was that this is my area of expertise. I have practical experience. I have a degree in this. I have studied Child Psychology and Behavioral Psychology. I have read numerous books and countless articles on parenting. I talk to other parents and pay attention to how those I admire handle situations. I watch “Super Nanny.” In the past, his job was to be the breadwinner. My job was to raise our daughter and be CEO of our home. He had no idea what my job entailed.

Amor quickly became overloaded and overwhelmed. Satan attacked his mind: Instead of looking for solutions, he decided the best thing to do was to relieve stress with alcohol, but he knew that I would never go for that. We’ve been down that destructive road before. He became resentful of me and hostile towards me. He theorized that alcohol should be his “medication.” After all, I take medication. What’s the difference?
I quickly became terrified and defensive. Satan attacked my mind: What if he leaves me alone with three kids? What if he leaves me and tries to take our kids? Could he claim I’m an unfit mother for taking medication (and being “on drugs”)? Could he claim I’m an unfit mother for not being medicated (and being “crazy”)?

The “D” word had never come up before in our 9 years of marriage. It was excruciating to consider.

We were at each other’s throats for weeks, both aggravated and unwilling to concede. I used to hide these kinds of issues, out of fear, embarrassment, or privacy, but the truth is, I realized that we needed help. I told everyone, “Hey, Satan is attacking my marriage, please pray!” We eventually went to see my Christian counselor who delicately explained what God says about all of these issues.

The next day, I noticed an attitude change. He was purposefully trying to be nice. I returned the gesture. Things have gotten better. Godly advice and the power of prayer have definitely improved our relationship. It’s still a struggle, though and no doubt we will always have to fight to keep what we have alive and well. Prayers are encouraged and appreciated.

Double Talk Story: Amor kept “messing” with me before the mandated postpartum 6 weeks had passed, despite me telling him countless times to leave me alone. Finally, aggravated and exasperated I grabbed my pen, pinned him down, and wrote “Do not mess with Corazón!” on his right hand. The girls saw this and, thinking it was funny, started chasing him down and coloring him with markers.

Bible Verses: Matthew 7:24-27 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Word that has Lost its meaning: Privacy

Relatable Lyrics: “Two Sets of Jones’” by Big Tent Revival – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQE5PNRLZ40&list=LLmekDNA5dH80KEriIgwZLZQ&index=17

Written – Started: September 10, 2014 (10 weeks old) – Completed: September 30, 2014 (3 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Life With Twins, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

11 lbs 9 oz of Happiness

Sarah Happy

My sister, Sarah, and I learned we were pregnant on the same day. Our due dates were only two days apart. Although we were both with child / children, I felt very distant from her. We both have mood disorders and both had very pronounced pregnancy symptoms. It’s probably a good thing that we didn’t live together at that time. Right now, it’s great! Better than great! Although we share our hardships, we don’t really commiserate very much. We have only had one pity party where we both broke down in tears, but we usually lift each other up.

Sarah laughs. She always has. She laughs and laughs and makes everybody else laugh and laugh. She laughs so much, could have named her son Isaac. But she didn’t. She gave him another Hebrew name: Asher, which means happy blessing.

I am so proud of Sarah. I am so honored to be her sister. I am so honored to be a mother at the same time with her. And I love my nephew, the little bundle of joy, who weighed, at birth, a measly 11lbs. 9oz.

Double Talk Quote: “She had almost as much baby in her as you did!” Grandma to me

Relatable Lyrics: “Happy” by Pharrell Williams https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEN9I8jJ0Nk&index=1&list=LLmekDNA5dH80KEriIgwZLZQ

Verse: Genesis 18:12 “So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?””

Term that has Lost its meaning: Good night’s rest

Written: August 25 and September 15, 2014 (8 and 11 weeks old)

Category:

Uncategorized

Double Teamed

My Twin Babies

Before the babies were born, I read and heard time and time again, “the babies need to be on a schedule.” For the first couple of weeks, I tried to get them in sync: feeding them in tandem, back-to-back baths and diaper changes, etc. However, it became clear that these two babies had not only unique personalities but also their own specific needs. For example Brooks gobbles with gusto, then can be burped and put to bed in a simi-comatose state, while Bella takes her time, often pulling away for brief periods in an effort to slow down the flow of the yum-yum (breast milk) let down caused by Brooks. Then she needs to be cuddled upright for some time to help her little tummy digest.

I’ve had these guys for a few weeks now and have observed several cycles:
1. The best is when they are up back to back. I change, feed and cuddle one, put him or her back to sleep just as the other is waking up. I take care of that one and they both sleep for a while.
2. When they both wake up demanding attention &/or food at the same time, they are double teaming me. It’s not easy when this happens, but it’s manageable.
3. The least preferable cycle for me is when they tag team me. That’s when one has been up for some time but finally start winding down. But just as he or she starts to fall asleep, the other twin wakes up. Then, I manage to get that one calmed down just in time for the first one to reawaken. And so it goes.

Last night, I got double and tag teamed. I didn’t have immediate help around, so I tried nursing one and distracting the other. Amor had been up with them for the first shift of the night while I caught some z’s from about 10 to 2am. Brooks was stirring, and I changed and fed him without incident. He had just finished when I heard Bella stirring. So I put Brooks down to change and feed Bella. All was well for about eight minutes. Then Brooks, who was only half asleep, had the unfortunate luck of knocking the pacifier out of his own mouth. For a few minutes he searched for it, gently whining while Bella contently worked on her meal. She was falling asleep, though so I sneakily switched her to a paci. I put her down and helped Brooks (now wide awake) locate his paci which, of course, he no longer wanted. So I fed him again. He became drowsy just as Bella started stirring and realized her feeding had been prematurely terminated. Finally, I put Brooksies in the rocker up on the bed and helped him relocate that paci over and over again as he gently whined and swung back and forth while simultaneously nursing Bellaboo. Finally, grandma arrived to save the day. Ahh thank goodness it’s Saturday.

Category:

Life With Twins, Uncategorized