“You can’t sleep here, ma’am.” Leaning back on a couch at the thrift store, I was hoisted back into consciousness by the sale’s lady. “Sorry, I’m pregnant. I started feeling very dizzy, so I just sat here.” “Oh, My manager thought you were another wine-o.” She brought me some ice water and I sat there a few more minutes until I felt well enough to drive. I had to pick up my first-grader from school.
I knew then that I needed to see the doctor, insurance or not. My morning sickness combined with withdrawal from bipolar medication had made me bedridden for weeks already and I was only 9 weeks along. I had applied for coverage, but hadn’t been seen yet, due to a back-up in their system. I went in the next day and they listened for the tiny heartbeat. They said the baby was fine and my blood pressure was just a little low.
But I was not fine. Over the next three months, I suffered severe nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, mood swings, and deep depression. It was all I could do to get out of bed long enough to get Mica ready for school. The change took a toll on my marriage. We had been doing so well! Well enough to think we could handle another child yet within a matter of weeks, I was wondering if we would survive this. Had we made a mistake in getting pregnant? Oh, then the guilt that goes along with that question…
Here’s what I wrote in my prayer journal Feb 6, 2014, at 18 weeks (about half way through my pregnancy):
“Dear God, I’m freaking going crazy! I cry every day. I can’t take it back. I should be feeling grateful and excited, I have my first ultrasound today. But I’m afraid. Something just doesn’t feel right. I’m in a bad place emotionally and I’m scared it’s affecting the baby. I feel like I’m drowning. I am in so far over my head. I can’t even take care of myself, much less two kids. What the heck was I thinking? I feel completely inadequate… I want to see this a a gift, a miracle from You. Lord, please make my baby healthy and help me be a good mother. I need help, Amen.”
My entire family attended that first ultrasound. They had told us we’d have a good chance of learning the baby’s gender. They were so excited. I was ambivalent, though I didn’t let it show. I wanted to be excited. I wanted to be happy. But the depression was so heavy it hurt. They started the ultrasound.
“I see two heads!” the technician exclaimed.
What? That had to be a joke, right? We’ve just got a “funny” technician, right? “I don’t joke about things like that,” she said cheerfully.
Two tears swelled up in my eyes, and I felt God’s presence. A peace swept over me, and suddenly the heaviness was lifted. The fear dissipated. A supernatural calm soothed my soul. A still small voice whispered within my heart, “Everything’s going to be okay.”
Learning I was having twins explained so much: the exaggerated pregnancy symptoms, feeling early movement, rapid weight gain, the feeling that something was “off.” It also made me see clearly: this was two gifts, two miracles from God, and He chose to give them to me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
(written June 17, 2015 – twins 11 1/2 months)
Double Talk Quote: “Do you understand what she said? Mommy has 2 babies inside of her.” – Me to Mica. “Yeah, I know. I couldn’t decide if I wanted a brother or a sister so I prayed for both.”
Bible Verse: Psalm 127:3
Word that has Lost its meaning: fear
Relatable Lyrics: “1,000 years” by Christina Perri – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9ayN39xmsI “All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow… Every breath, every hour has come to this”