Think: "You think you can, You think you can, You think you can" & one day say: "You thought you could, You said you could, You knew you could" & thus, at least: you thought you did.

5. What a Week! More Monday

Woah mama

… It was 11:15 before I got a chance to take my brake. I knew I’d be pushing it, but I really wanted to lighten my hair and take a bath. It was 11:55 when I was walking out but Amor met me before I even made it to the room with a baby, it was time for him to leave for soccer and apparently, Starla had already said goodbye (although she hadn’t left yet). I realized I’d been too busy to fix Bella’s bottles that morning and he told me he fed her one while I was in the shower. I freaked out because I thought he’d fixed it wrong. Panic started to boil up in me and I let him have it. I pointed at the clock as I finished putting on my shirt, “Look, it is exactly 12pm and I’m back on duty” etc. I felt rage, so I went to the bathroom and started deep breathing exercises. I fought off thoughts too excruciating to type – “That’s a lie from the Devil. That’s not true” I told myself. The bible says…

“Anger is a secondary emotion,” trying to calm down “what’s really going on here?”

Deep breath. Ok. I’m angry, not at Amor, I’m angry at myself. I didn’t have the bottles set up. I took a break. I feel guilty. That’s it. Guilt. That’s completely irrational. I’m being irrational. I apologized to Amor and he left for soccer. Sarah and Joe were walking out the door too, to head to an appointment. Both babies were screaming. Brooks because he was hungry, Bella because she’d just eaten and needed to be held upright. I rocked them both and tried to feed Brooks but he kept coming unlatched. I also seemed to catch the first sense of jealousy in Bella’s eyes as I tried to feed her brother and just rock her. It didn’t work out.

Eventually, of course, it all passed. Amor came home and hopped in the shower. Bella had finally fallen asleep. Brooks had finally been fed. It was 2:10 when the phone rang. It was Mica’s school. I had to go pick her up. They’ve discovered nits in her hair. To be continued…

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