Stuck in Molasses Swamp

20170718_Candy Land Spread Out

I’ve been in a stuck in a swamp of major Bipolar depression for nearly three months now.  When I first felt myself falling in, I reached out to my counselor, with whom I had fallen out of contact.  I patiently awaited my psychiatrist appointment, which wasn’t until in mid-July.  My counselor didn’t want me to wait until then, however, suggesting that I “get evaluated” at a mental health institution.  That was NOT going to happen.  I have a “fear of commitment,” especially considering what happened the last time I was there.  Anyway, I saw my Psychiatrist a few days ago and she adjusted my medication quite a bit.  Of course, it’s too early to have taken effect but I am hopeful.

Everyone has ups and downs in their lives.  It is just so much more extreme for people with Bipolar disorder.  But God promises to be there every step of the way, even when our burden gets too heavy for us to bear.  Of all the symptoms a depressed person experiences, “hopelessness” has not been one of them for me.  Hope is the one thing I have been able to hold on to, to get me through this valley.  It’s a “Footprints” in the sand sort of situation:

Footprints in the Sand

If you’re unfamiliar with this poem, it’s worth the read!

 

The twins’ birthday was at the end of June, I now have two threes!

20170701_Birthday Blowout - Brooks

Though they bring me lots of joy, they are about three handfuls nowadays, stretching borders and testing limits.  I have implemented a “Stop Light” behavioral system.  Each morning they start out on green and if they stay on green they get a reward at the end of the day.  But if they misbehave, they get a warning and move to yellow, then red, then it’s Time Out.  If their behavior improves, they can move back down the color chart.  Bella often ends the day on green, but Brooks (my rough-&-tumble, all-boy, mischief maker) is usually up at the top on red.

20170718_Stop light Chart - Right thing to do

But the other night, they both ended their day on green and as a reward, I offered to play a special game with them.  I pulled out “Candy Land” and explained how to play.  They were so excited at first, but Brooks quickly became bored with the board game (pun intended) and wandered off to play something else on his own.  Bella and I continued and she got “Queen Frostine” rather quickly, which put her way ahead of me, which made me happy because I wanted her to win the game her first time playing.  But then I drew “Princess Lolly,” then got double blues which put me ahead of her.  She was cool about it, though.  As we both approached “Gloppy at Molasses Swamp” I warned her, jokingly, “Now don’t draw a red, don’t draw a red card, if you do, you’ll get stuck until you get another red card!”  The tension built as we both got closer and closer to the red game piece with the black dot on it, when low and behold, she got a purple, just past the red.  And low and behold, I drew a red and got stuck in “Molasses Swamp.”

20170718_Molasses swamp

As Bella got closer and closer to the end of the game, and I kept drawing cards that weren’t red, she started to get visibly concerned.  Finally, when she was just two colors away from winning, she took her pawn’s hand and used it to grab my pawn’s hand and pulled mine up with hers.  “I saved you, mommy, Now we both winneded!” she exclaimed as she put both pieces on “Candy Castle.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried my best not to cry.  Little moments like that do save me.  In those moments no one loses.  And even the smallest of victories count.  We can’t always save ourselves but God can use others to pull us out of the swamp.

(Mica 9, Hope 8, Brooks & Bella 3, Asher 2, Audrey 5 mo)

Double Talk Quote: “Oh my gosh, I never seen that in the world!” – Brooks 6/17 (in awe at Mica’s super-long Chinese noodle)

Bible Verse: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Word that has Lost its Meaning:  stuck

Relatable Lyrics:  “Quiet you with my Love” By Rebecca St. James

“Come to Me, all who are weary
And take My yoke upon you
My burden is easy and light

Lay your head down on My shoulders
Be still my child, rest a while

And I’ll quiet you with My love
Rejoice over you with My song”

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Comments on: "Stuck in Molasses Swamp" (12)

  1. This post brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry you are struggling as you are. I struggle with very mid BP. In the past I had very bad depression, so I guess on some level I can relate. But it was how your little girl pulled you out of the swamp that put tears in my eyes. I used to play Candy Land with my brothers when I was little. Oh, it was so much fun! I always wanted to land on Queen Frostine because she was so beautiful. Fast forward 20 years and I would play this game with my daughter. Thank you for bringing back some memories for me! Cherish these times; even if you feel “stuck in the muck”. Because tears of happiness will one day flood your eyes as you look back at these precious times years from now.

    Blessings, Michelle!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. O my goodness the game with Bella!! Those moments are the saving grace ❤ What a blessing!! I would've teared up too!! You are so great. You are so creative! What a great idea with the stop light system! Im praying for you; and I'm tired of being so far from you (both physically and emotionally). If you ever want or need to talk, (or just get the chance to in your busy day!), please give me a call. I love you so much. You are always and forever and inspiration to me and one of my best friends, no matter how far apart we are. You Are SuperMommy. And I hate the bipolar depression and I hope and pray that the med adjustments help, and soon! I simply cannot grasp how awesome you are.
    Father God, thank You so much for my wonderful sissy Belle, and all she is. Mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, confidante, creative, intelligent, crafty, clever, brave, strong, beautiful, powerful, mighty, generous, funny, dependable, loving, kind, inspiring, imaginative, honorable, inventive, loyal, nurturing, positive, wise, trustworthy, thoughtful (just to name a few 😉 Lord You have created her in a magnificent and glorious and wonderful way. I pray that You will guide her and help her each day, refilling her anew each morning with Your joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self control, hope, strength, patience and endurance. I pray that she will awaken with joy in her heart and a song of praise on her lips to You Mighty God. May she have an abundance of creativity and energy for each day while she allows you to lift and carry the weigh of her burdens (bi polar depression, exhaustion, etc) on your shoulders as she takes up Your yoke which is easy and light. May she be EVERYTHING that YOU have designed and created her to be. The awesome, Super Belle I know she is. I pray that nothing will ever stop her or hold her back. In Yeshua's/Jesus' mighty name I pray! Lord, You are amazing. Thank You so much, and thank You for Michelle.

    28Her children rise up and bless her;
    Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

    29“Many daughters have done nobly,
    But you excel them all.”

    30Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
    But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

    31Give her the product of her hands,
    And let her works praise her in the gates.

    Proverbs 31:28-31

    As always, LOVE the pictures ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • I hate being apart too; but when we’re together, Sars, we’re like “peas & carrots,” so to speak. Thank you for writing that prayer. I love when someone takes the time to write a prayer rather than just saying, “I’ll pray for you.” I mean, that’s good, it’s great to know someone is praying for you, but to actually see it, now that’s extremely special! And girl, do you have a lot of adjectives!!! Thanks again, and for the scripture too. I love you so much and I know you’re always there for me and I’m here for you too. Love, Love, Love sue, princess!

      Like

  3. Please know that I’m thinking of you with love, Michelle!
    You will be in my thoughts & prayers.

    Even when you’re going through such a hard time, you inspire *me* with your strength and faith. You are a beautiful, amazing woman, writer, mother, friend, and much more!

    Liked by 1 person

    • As always, thank you, Dyane. I HAVE been going through a hard time but I know I’ll make it through (eventually). Thanks for the comment on YOUR blog a few weeks back encouraging me to write again; you are truly a good friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. So ooooh beautiful. Love that precious Bella& her Starlit light, joy, & concern for others.. Hmm wonder where she gets it from, sloppy Joe.
    That quote from Brooksie bear is priceless 😘
    I love how you choose to live above your circumstances & trust in God’s eternal promises. You are an inspiration bc that is a tremendously difficult thing to do when you’re stuck in the “gloppy” moments. Keep your pretty chin up even when you feel like the only breeze you’re getting smells like molasses… Pun intended.
    You’re blessed and will have more holly than princess Polly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the “Sloppy Joe” reference, I almost forgot about that! Guess she’s got a little bit of all of us in her (and a lot of Starlit light!). And Brooks’ wonderment at a simple noodle really is so cute!

      Knowing everything will turn out okay is one of God’s promises (Romans 8:28). Sometimes I worry. I forget to pray. I don’t tell God what I need. I fail to remember all that he’s done. Those are the times that Satan is trying to get a stronghold on me. But the voice of truth tells me a different story: Philippians 4:6-7 tells me to worry about NOTHING and to pray about EVERYTHING! Tell God what I need and thank Him for all He’s done. When I do that, I experience PEACE beyond understanding which guards my heart and mind as I live in Christ Jesus, my all in all, my strength when I am weak.

      I HAVE been weak lately but God is carrying me. Just one more testimony to add to the list!

      Like

  5. Grandma said:

    Hope you will be able to get out of the depression soon! I’ve been fighting it myself, but have been trying to help you out some with the kids and the house and cooking a little bit, whenever I’m able. I’m so glad you have your sisters to be “encouragers” like your daddy was.

    Like

  6. I hope you see some improvement with your med adjustment ❤ And how sweet. Kids are the best.

    Like

  7. Oh, my gosh….this is such a poignant post…reading about your challenges, and then your daughter “saving” you left me fighting back tears. You write/communicate so beautifully and I admire and appreciate the levels/tie-ins that link your Hope theme. What a blessing you are! I’m praying that you feel so much better soon. You are such a great role model…regardless of whether the reader is a parent, has mental health challenges–you are someone to look up to. By the way, I love Footprints and have for as long as I can remember. Thank you for sharing your heart and God’s love. 🙂

    Like

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