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Archive for the ‘Marital Bliss’ Category

2. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do: Legally Married?

I do Amor y Corazon colage

…So after having exchanged vows online, before God and Dick Wolf, we saw ourselves as married.  Amor bought me an inexpensive ruby heart shaped gold ring and we lived together for a hunky-dory few months.  But eventually, our families started asking questions.  Fed up with fielding them, I admitted, “We got married.”

My folks had an idea of how I felt about being an independent woman and were shocked to hear that we had “eloped” as they put it.  I offered few details and they asked surprisingly few questions.  Belle was now Mrs. Belle and that was that.

It was around this time that we moved four hours inland to be closer to my family.  I had finally gotten an official “Bipolar” diagnosis and I wanted to be near my sisters and parents who, I hoped, would be a source of support.   I knew that eventually, it would come out that Amor and I had no legal document stating that we were man and wife.  So we went to the courthouse to try to make it legal, only to learn we needed certain paperwork and witnesses (real ones, not TV characters).  So I explained to one of my sisters, Sarah, in as little detail as I could, that due to certain paperwork, we needed to restate our vows to make our marriage legal (all true).  She and Joe were happy to help.

So we gathered our documents and on October 7, 2005 (exactly 6 months later) we finally made it downtown with everything we needed.  I don’t even recall what I wore.  It felt like just another day to us.  We were pronounced “man and wife” by the magistrate and a few days later got our certificate in the mail.

The following year (2006), I was doing some different paperwork at a government office.  I had been on a litany of psychiatric drugs to try to find something to help manage my bipolar, and I was feeling “out of myself,” so Amor was with me.  They asked for my anniversary date and I said, “It’s April 7th or 8th”  “No, it’s sometime in October,” Amor reminded me.  “Oh yeah, I think it’s October 7th, 2005,”  I said.  The lady looked at me, like I was clearly mentally unstable (ok, I was).  “Um today is October 7th, 2006.  Are you telling me you are here on your first anniversary and you don’t even realize it?” Sigh, I guess so.  Whatever, we had celebrated back in April!

So finally, it was all settled, right?

One more detail that we, being young and impetuous and a bit screwed up in the head, neglected to take care of:  Amor never legally divorced his first wife who had left him for Russia after just two months of their legal marriage and never returned.

Spending time, money and effort to find and serve her papers was not high on our priority list.  As time marched on, we eventually bought a home and had a baby and put the whole mess in the back on our minds.

But those kinds of things have a way of sneaking back up to you..

Double Talk Quote: “Love you later” – Amor still says this (mix of “love you” and “see you later”)

Bible Verse:  “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.” Proverbs 19:14

Word that has Lost its meaning: settled

Relatable Lyrics:  “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I77JyDu0HVU

(March 20, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

***Update Note to clarify***  Amor’s 1st wife had moved to Russia 2 months after they got married.  He followed her and lived there for a few months in an attempt to save the marriage.  When it didn’t work out, he returned.

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Drum Roll Please, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

1. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do: The Proposal

I do - Amor y Corazon

Amor and I have exchanged vows four times.  That’s right four times.  Why? one might ask.  Well, it isn’t because we enjoy expressing our undying love for one another.

15 years ago, I was in a domestic violence type of relationship with a bad man.  Long story short, I got away and made up my mind that I would never again be under that kind of abusive power.  I developed a “I am woman, hear me roar” type of attitude.  I wanted children some day, but coming from that relationship and having had experienced the heartache of a broken home growing up, kids and family were not foremost on my mind.  I decided that I would never get married.  It was an antiquated institution anyway.  That’s what I thought.

I was conflicted about it, however, because, although I lived a rather worldly life at the time, I was still a Christian and still held certain values.  I liked to drink alcohol and have fun, but I did not sleep around.  Since before I was old enough to know what it was, it had been engrained in me that sex outside of marriage is a sin.  If you must have sex, get married.  (Hum, that theory hadn’t worked out so well with the first relationship I was in).  So celibate I remained.

I was not a “good girl,” though, and I actually found it fun toying with boys.  I was a hot, blond bomb-shell type who lived at the beach so I had plenty of opportunities to flirt around and make the male tourists think they’d get some action, just to say “adios” after they had invested their whole evening with me.  This was my way of getting back at all males (especially the self-proclaimed “playars”) for being jerks.

I had a lot of guy friends.  Amor was one of the best of them.  During the first three years we knew each other, he actually got married to a Russian woman and moved to a different hemisphere.  When it didn’t work out and he returned, I started to realize that we’d be good together.  I loved that he had such a giving heart and we were both very hard workers and worked well together.  (Someday I’ll tell that back story entitled “Yellow and Green Skittles”).  So Amor and I started dating and eventually, “messing around.”

But I felt convicted so I told him:  “We have to get married.”  This was about 11 pm on April 7, 2005.  We were both a little tipsy.  I was also rapid cycling (on a bipolar roller coaster ride) during this time and was blissfully yet painfully oblivious to that fact.  So I grabbed an old prom dress I just happened to have in my closet and we went to the downstairs level of my little apartment.  I did a quick “Ask Jeeves” search on the interweb for getting married online.  We exchanged our vows by typing them in to the computer.  There was a prayer and then a certificate appeared.  I printed it out.  It had room for 4 witness signatures.  No one else was there.  Law & Order SVU had been playing, on mute, in the background so I wrote in the names Olivia Benson, Eliot Stabler, Ice-T, and Jack McCoy.  Done.  We went back upstairs to enjoy our honeymoon…

Double Talk Quote: “I’m trying to remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy.” – Me 10+ years ago, “But Michelita, you violate it already…long time ago.” – Amor, whose English wasn’t quite as awesome as now, but yielded some awesomely funny quotes.

Verse:  “…But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” 1 Corinthians 7:28

Word that has Lost its meaning: tipsy

Relatable Lyrics: “Viveme” by Laura Pausini https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ_o_uEmzoE – dedicated to mi Amor

(March 17 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Drum Roll Please, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

7. What a Week! Wednesday

IMG_20141021_141218

Grandma was still sick so she couldn’t take Mica to school. That meant Amor had to wake up in the middle of his “shift” to take her. He wouldn’t dare make up the sleep, however by missing his regularly scheduled soccer game. We all paid for that later. (The man gets grumpy if he’d denied the basic necessities of life: food, sleep, sex and soccer).

Bella had thrush that I thought had cleared up. But it was showing signs of coming back. I had to sanitize all the bottles and pacifiers and pump parts, again, no easy task. It felt like a repeat of sanitizing all Mica’s stuff from the lice incident, except with baby stuff. I had to put medication on my nipples, which actually made them sorer than I think they had been in the beginning.
Starla came over at about 1pm. I needed to go major grocery shopping. We have been very strapped for cash lately, and those quick meals that sneak up on us have been costly. Amor “runs” to the store quite frequently to buy a chicken or what-not and those visits not only add up financially, but take a lot of time, so I also feel like I’m left with the babies a lot. I figure by planning meals ahead of time and making one big trip, we can save time and money.

It’s been a while since I was the one doing the shopping, plus I went to a new store, so it took longer than I’d hoped. I also bought a cheap vacuum. We had installed carpet in the room before the babies were born and we don’t allow the pets to come in, but somehow, there is cat hair everywhere. When I got home, I asked Amor to put the food away so that he would know what I’d purchased and where it was. But he flat out refused but did offer to take the babies to Tia’s house while I did that. I pumped then spent the rest of the afternoon doing prep work for meals for the next few weeks. I tried out the new vacuum and it was terrible. One more thing to add to my “to-do” list – return to store. I got done around 6pm, just in time for babies and Mica to return. I nursed one baby at a time while simultaneously helping Mica get ready for bed. I popped my head in to check on mom. She asked me for a Diet Mt. Dew. I’d have to go to the store. I reluctantly sent Amor while I tried to keep my eyes open long enough to get my 3 kids to close theirs. An hour later, he returned with the soda, and all the other stuff he said I’d failed to get from the store earlier. So much for making a list and sticking to it.

Far too exhausted for a shower, I fell into bed, as I started to drift off I remembered: Sarah and I were supposed to take snacks for our mommy’s group on Friday. I had completely forgotten about that while at the store.

Category:

Cultural Differences, Life With Twins, Marital Bliss

5. What a Week! More Monday

Woah mama

… It was 11:15 before I got a chance to take my brake. I knew I’d be pushing it, but I really wanted to lighten my hair and take a bath. It was 11:55 when I was walking out but Amor met me before I even made it to the room with a baby, it was time for him to leave for soccer and apparently, Starla had already said goodbye (although she hadn’t left yet). I realized I’d been too busy to fix Bella’s bottles that morning and he told me he fed her one while I was in the shower. I freaked out because I thought he’d fixed it wrong. Panic started to boil up in me and I let him have it. I pointed at the clock as I finished putting on my shirt, “Look, it is exactly 12pm and I’m back on duty” etc. I felt rage, so I went to the bathroom and started deep breathing exercises. I fought off thoughts too excruciating to type – “That’s a lie from the Devil. That’s not true” I told myself. The bible says…

“Anger is a secondary emotion,” trying to calm down “what’s really going on here?”

Deep breath. Ok. I’m angry, not at Amor, I’m angry at myself. I didn’t have the bottles set up. I took a break. I feel guilty. That’s it. Guilt. That’s completely irrational. I’m being irrational. I apologized to Amor and he left for soccer. Sarah and Joe were walking out the door too, to head to an appointment. Both babies were screaming. Brooks because he was hungry, Bella because she’d just eaten and needed to be held upright. I rocked them both and tried to feed Brooks but he kept coming unlatched. I also seemed to catch the first sense of jealousy in Bella’s eyes as I tried to feed her brother and just rock her. It didn’t work out.

Eventually, of course, it all passed. Amor came home and hopped in the shower. Bella had finally fallen asleep. Brooks had finally been fed. It was 2:10 when the phone rang. It was Mica’s school. I had to go pick her up. They’ve discovered nits in her hair. To be continued…

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Marital Bliss

And The Rain Came Down

2- 4X6, large Wedding Bliss

Keeping a marriage strong is hard work. Add cultural differences and it’s really hard. Multiply that with a kid and it’s really, really hard. Add twins and, well, you can imagine. It is exponentially hard when mental illness is thrown in the equation. Amor and I have had our share of difficulties over the years, but nothing like after the birth of our twins.

All of our children have an amazing anointing over their lives. I believe that all children are born with a specific purpose and plan (Jeremiah 29:11) but that not all great things come to fruition in one’s life because Satan meddles and gets lives off track. God can turn all that around of course and use what Satan had twisted for evil and use it for good (Romans 8:28). But one can avoid so much pain and confusion and time by following God in the first place. Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6). This is the goal for my children. They are going to be “Earthquakers” and shake things up here on earth for the glory of God.

In our lives, Satan has been trying to meddle; trying to annihilate what he knows is trouble for his attempts to kill, steal, and destroy. One way he’s been trying to get at our little anointed ones is by attacking our marriage. I am married to a very brilliant man who is very smart and talented in many diverse areas. Being a stay-at-home dad, however, is not his forte. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was unable to take care of Mica and Hope the way I had before. Amor (who lost his job when he asked for time off) had to take over. Due to cultural differences, and the fact that he’s never been responsible for this area of our lives made the transition difficult for us all. Structure, discipline and consistency are not traits he grew up with or puts much emphasis on.

The babies were born in the summer. By the time school started for Mica, we had very different ideas of how to handle parenting issues. We also disagreed about the best way to handle various baby issues. His point of view was that, Biblically speaking, he is the head of the household and I should submit to him. My point of view was that this is my area of expertise. I have practical experience. I have a degree in this. I have studied Child Psychology and Behavioral Psychology. I have read numerous books and countless articles on parenting. I talk to other parents and pay attention to how those I admire handle situations. I watch “Super Nanny.” In the past, his job was to be the breadwinner. My job was to raise our daughter and be CEO of our home. He had no idea what my job entailed.

Amor quickly became overloaded and overwhelmed. Satan attacked his mind: Instead of looking for solutions, he decided the best thing to do was to relieve stress with alcohol, but he knew that I would never go for that. We’ve been down that destructive road before. He became resentful of me and hostile towards me. He theorized that alcohol should be his “medication.” After all, I take medication. What’s the difference?
I quickly became terrified and defensive. Satan attacked my mind: What if he leaves me alone with three kids? What if he leaves me and tries to take our kids? Could he claim I’m an unfit mother for taking medication (and being “on drugs”)? Could he claim I’m an unfit mother for not being medicated (and being “crazy”)?

The “D” word had never come up before in our 9 years of marriage. It was excruciating to consider.

We were at each other’s throats for weeks, both aggravated and unwilling to concede. I used to hide these kinds of issues, out of fear, embarrassment, or privacy, but the truth is, I realized that we needed help. I told everyone, “Hey, Satan is attacking my marriage, please pray!” We eventually went to see my Christian counselor who delicately explained what God says about all of these issues.

The next day, I noticed an attitude change. He was purposefully trying to be nice. I returned the gesture. Things have gotten better. Godly advice and the power of prayer have definitely improved our relationship. It’s still a struggle, though and no doubt we will always have to fight to keep what we have alive and well. Prayers are encouraged and appreciated.

Double Talk Story: Amor kept “messing” with me before the mandated postpartum 6 weeks had passed, despite me telling him countless times to leave me alone. Finally, aggravated and exasperated I grabbed my pen, pinned him down, and wrote “Do not mess with Corazón!” on his right hand. The girls saw this and, thinking it was funny, started chasing him down and coloring him with markers.

Bible Verses: Matthew 7:24-27 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Word that has Lost its meaning: Privacy

Relatable Lyrics: “Two Sets of Jones’” by Big Tent Revival – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQE5PNRLZ40&list=LLmekDNA5dH80KEriIgwZLZQ&index=17

Written – Started: September 10, 2014 (10 weeks old) – Completed: September 30, 2014 (3 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Life With Twins, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized