Think: "You think you can, You think you can, You think you can" & one day say: "You thought you could, You said you could, You knew you could" & thus, at least: you thought you did.

I See Two Heads!

twins sleeping

“You can’t sleep here, ma’am.” Leaning back on a couch at the thrift store, I was hoisted back into consciousness by the sale’s lady.  “Sorry, I’m pregnant.  I started feeling very dizzy, so I just sat here.”  “Oh, My manager thought you were another wine-o.” She brought me some ice water and I sat there a few more minutes until I felt well enough to drive.  I had to pick up my first-grader from school.

I knew then that I needed to see the doctor, insurance or not.  My morning sickness combined with withdrawal from bipolar medication had made me bedridden for weeks already and I was only 9 weeks along.  I had applied for coverage, but hadn’t been seen yet, due to a back-up in their system.  I went in the next day and they listened for the tiny heartbeat.  They said the baby was fine and my blood pressure was just a little low.

But I was not fine.  Over the next three months, I suffered severe nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, mood swings, and deep depression.  It was all I could do to get out of bed long enough to get Mica ready for school.  The change took a toll on my marriage.  We had been doing so well!  Well enough to think we could handle another child yet within a matter of weeks, I was wondering if we would survive this.  Had we made a mistake in getting pregnant?  Oh, then the guilt that goes along with that question…

Here’s what I wrote in my prayer journal Feb 6, 2014, at 18 weeks (about half way through my pregnancy):

“Dear God,  I’m freaking going crazy!  I cry every day.  I can’t take it back.  I should be feeling grateful and excited, I have my first ultrasound today.  But I’m afraid.  Something just doesn’t feel right.  I’m in a bad place emotionally and I’m scared it’s affecting the baby.  I feel like I’m drowning.  I am in so far over my head.  I can’t even take care of myself, much less two kids.  What the heck was I thinking?  I feel completely inadequate…  I want to see this a a gift, a miracle from You.  Lord, please make my baby healthy and help me be a good mother.  I need help, Amen.”

My entire family attended that first ultrasound.  They had told us we’d have a good chance of learning the baby’s gender. They were so excited.  I was ambivalent, though I didn’t let it show.  I wanted to be excited.  I wanted to be happy.  But the depression was so heavy it hurt.  They started the ultrasound.

“I see two heads!” the technician exclaimed.

What?  That had to be a joke, right?  We’ve just got a “funny” technician, right?  “I don’t joke about things like that,”  she said cheerfully.

Two tears swelled up in my eyes, and I felt God’s presence.  A peace swept over me, and suddenly the heaviness was lifted.  The fear dissipated.  A supernatural calm soothed my soul.  A still small voice whispered within my heart, “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Learning I was having twins explained so much:  the exaggerated pregnancy symptoms, feeling early movement, rapid weight gain, the feeling that something was “off.”  It also made me see clearly:  this was two gifts, two miracles from God, and He chose to give them to me.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

(written June 17, 2015 –  twins 11 1/2 months)

twins fight asleep

Double Talk Quote: “Do you understand what she said?  Mommy has 2 babies inside of her.” – Me to Mica.  “Yeah, I know.  I couldn’t decide if I wanted a brother or a sister so I prayed for both.”

Bible Verse: Psalm 127:3

psalms_127_3- children are a gift, reward

Word that has Lost its meaning:  fear

Relatable Lyrics: “1,000 years” by Christina Perri – “All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow… Every breath, every hour has come to this”

Comments on: "I See Two Heads!" (9)

  1. Ashley Thorsen Varnum said:

    That’s so beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A precious, most -SHOCKING- moment I will never forget! I’m so glad to see you in better shape than then!!! I can so clearly see Gods fingerprints all over this situation and your family! Mica praying for a boy & a girl…you only wanting to get pregnant once more..Amor’s brief freak out because he thinks he’s having a two headed baby..
    “You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans..”
    John 16 – “you will grieve, but your grief will be turned into joy. 21″Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world. 22″Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.”
    You have brought a bunch of joy into the world through your little ones! Even though you have the hardest job in the world, it is well worth it in the end!! Can’t wait to see the big picture & all that you & your descendants will do for Gods kingdom!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so glad that God lifted the heaviness from you; I am so glad God chose to bless you with these two perfect little ones!! I love you so much!! I am so overwhelmed by this article that I have no words!
    I do understand on some levels. I know the depression you describe. I know the “lifting” of said depression & heaviness (marvelous grace of God). I remember how shocked I was & just amazed when I heard the Dr. say that there were 2 heads! I couldn’t get over it! What a blessing!! I love how God does things like that; how He brings about such incredible gifts in our lives-sometimes when we least expect it! You definitely have 2, no make that 3! beautiful, wonderful, incredible, amazing, perfect gifts!! <3333

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am thankful & proud of you for writing & posting this article. God is no doubt going to mightily use what we have been through!! So we must not keep these things silent! i believe that you & i are going to help so many (depressed) people through our testimonies!! &God’s hand is so obviously over all these children its amazing & incredible! I am so so glad we had babies together, too! It is such an honor to stand alongside you in this journey ❤ i love an miss you

    sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors-holding baby while typing

    Liked by 1 person

    • My instincts make me want to keep things to myself, I’m naturally a very introverted person. But, it’s true, our testimonies can, and I believe will, make a difference to others. That’s why it’s important for me to be real and open when I write these things. The prayer, in particular, is so personal. But it’s an honest account of me crying out to God and Him responding. And after all, we are called to share:

      2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.


  5. I love Starla’s comment ❤ The Bible verses made me cry.
    22″Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.”

    Praise God

    Liked by 1 person

  6. […] written recently about how I was depressed and in a bad place when I found out I was having twins (, and about how God relieved my burden that day.  He lifted the weight off my mind […]


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