Think: "You think you can, You think you can, You think you can" & one day say: "You thought you could, You said you could, You knew you could" & thus, at least: you thought you did.

Posts tagged ‘family’

Upside Down

upside down TP toilet paper

Despite toggling among 6 different psychiatric medications, I still have up and down days.

It was Sunday (the day Satan loves to attack the most) and I got up early to prepare my lesson for the Church’s kid’s ministry.  I felt fine, energetic even.  After reading the lesson plan, I had all kind of supplemental ideas and gathered the material I’d need for it along with everything else I’d have to take to church that morning.

But then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started feeling tired.  At the same time, the babies started to wake up.  I went and laid down to cuddle them.  For some reason, tears started pouring out of my eyes.  I didn’t feel sad, just heavy and tired and overwhelmed.  My back was hurting too.  So, after much mental debate, (and the realization that I was running out of time), I sent a message to let the church know I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I needed a “down day.”  Amor and Grandma took care of the kids all morning until around nap time.

The last time I was this “sick” (Ok, yes, let’s call it like it is – “depressed”), I had come out of it only to find myself extremely frustrated by the house being upside down and things not having been done “my way.”  I was angry at Amor for not doing things more thoroughly, but mostly I was mad at myself for not being able to handle it all.  I thought about that.  

I was so down, though and isolating, that I didn’t want to get up to go to the bathroom or leave the comfort of my room to grab a soda.  I kept the babies in my room watching Curious George II from about 3 – 5:30pm.  Their sweetness brightened me, but I was still very tired.  So I sent them outside with Amor.  Grandma was in her room.  I hurriedly threw pizzas in the oven and microwaved veggies and set them up for dinner.  I did my nightly “side work” and went to bed at 6:45pm.

I woke up at 6:45am in a rush to do devotions with Mica and Hope and get them ready for school only to discover the following:  

  • Kitchen table with yesterday’s dinner not put away, covered in ants
  • Cat vomit on the floor
  • Dishes piled up in the sink
  • Toothpaste still on the toddlers’ toothbrushes (they hadn’t brushed day or night)
  • Crackers smushed into the carpet that I’d just vacuumed
  • Every trash can in the house full to the brim
  • Pointy toys littered the floor, out of place, just begging to be stepped on
  • (later:  daughter and neighbor T.P.ed the backyard!)

I shook it all off and tried to stay calm about it, but Amor sensed my irritation.  I had an appointment with my therapist but no one to watch the babies.  I really needed to get to that session!  I contacted six people before I finally got something worked out (Grandma and Mica to the rescue)!   

I spent some time turning the house right-side up again.  And it feels good for me to be right-side up again today, even though I’m still struggling.  At least I’ve got my family and they’ve got my back, and that’s what really matters.  And God’s got this.  I know.

(Written Monday 6/6/16, Twins 23 months, Mica 8, Hope 7)

upside down - Mommy Belle, Bella Brooks

Double Talk Quote: “Oh my goodness, this place is upside-down” – Amor upon coming home early to a bit of mess (ok, a lot of a mess) in the living room.  6/10/16

Bible Verse: ”For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”  Ephesians 6:12

Term that has Lost its meaning: sick leave

Relatable Lyrics: “Upside Down” by Jack Johnson

“Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down.”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

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A Moment Frozen in Time (Then Melted For…A While)

Tuesday, I did laundry and on Wednesday, started packing.  My daughter, Mica’s birthday was Thursday.  My sister Sarah came into town on Friday.  Saturday morning we went to an Easter festival, then Amor and I packed up the van and headed out-of-town with four kids to visit extended family members and for a short spring vacation.

I brought my computer, and during the much-longer-than-it-should-have-taken drive, I imported and organized some pictures from my phone to the computer.  I wanted to make sure I had plenty of space on my phone – the only camera I had taken with me.  It fills up quickly and has too little space and functions too slowly to upload pictures to an internet cloud or email.  So my system is to load them to the computer, back them up onto a flash drive, then clear out the camera phone.  If I don’t clear out all the photos at once, I’ll have to delete them one-by-one later, which is frustrating and time-consuming, to separate the ones I’ve saved from the new ones.  I was just finishing up as we arrived at the beach.  I felt proud of myself for having accomplished that.

On Easter Sunday morning, I dressed up the twins.  I went all out too!  Brooks was so handsome in his little black suit and red tie, and Bella was adorable in her pink flowery dress.  “Take a picture (thinking: before they get dirty)!” I said to Amor and handed him my phone. We visited the church I grew up in, the pastor of which, officiated our wedding.  I saw a few family members there.  We exchanged hugs and niceties  but I got the impression that a few of them may still be holding onto some old grudges since they ducked out before I even had a chance to grab my camera phone.  (Can we just bury the hatchet already?)  Maybe they were just in a hurry and it’s all in my mind.  I’ll chose to think the best and go with that.  Anyway…

Our next stop was my Aunt’s house where other family members were gathered.  She had invited us to their annual Easter lunch, which we haven’t attended in a few years (due to understandable circumstances).  She had never even met the twins.  It was a nice little family reunion. So nice, indeed, that I just had to get a picture, two actually.  With all our hectic lives, who knows when or even if this group of people will be together again.  It was a moment worth capturing.

It took a good hour to get back to our hotel.  It was raining and the kids started going stir-crazy.  “When can we go to the pool?  When can we go to the pool?  When can we go to the pool?”  As I blew up water-wings and gathered towels, I thought, “This would be a great time to get some good pics and/or video.”  I grabbed my phone and quickly flipped through the gallery.  I admit, I was distracted.  For some reason, some of the pictures that had already been transferred and that should have been erased were still there.  So guess what I did..

I hit the delete button!  Oops, I erased them all, even the new ones that I hadn’t even looked at or saved.  I was so disappointed with myself.  I tried, but couldn’t find any way to retrieve them.  What a shame!  I started to get upset.  I wanted to beat myself up for doing something so stupid.

But then it hit me: Those pictures aren’t gone.  They still exist in my mind.  That mental picture is fresh and the reminder is right here in my words in this post

To the family whose picture I didn’t get:  I see you

To the family whose picture I lost:  I’ll remember you

To my extended family, even though we are far away from each other, some physically, some emotionally, I love you all.

I have my mental picture and its clarity and contrast is better than anything a camera phone could have ever captured.

(Resurrection Sunday, March 27, 2016, Twins 21 months, Mica 8, Hope 6)

(Above pictures courtesy of Amor’s phone)

Double Talk Quote: “But I don’t even know how to take care of babies!” – Hope, shortly after the twins were born. “You will soon,” I reply.

Bible Verse:  “I tell you this: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable… O death, where is your sting?  …Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory …” 1 Corinthians 15:50-57

Word that has Lost its meaning: Cloud

Relatable Lyrics:  “The Easter Song” by Keith Green

“The angels, they all surround us, And they are ministering Jesus’ power
Quickly now, reach out and receive it, For this could be your glorious hour!”

Update:

After reading this post, Grandma contacted me and implored me to search for restoration programs and instructed me not to take any more pics until I had done so.  I had to delete about 5 apps from my phone to make room for a disk restore app, all while trying to get out the hotel room with 4 excited kids and one irritated hubby (I don’t blame him, it did take a while).  But low-and-behold, I did get my pictures back. I guess they hadn’t melted away forever!!!  Praise the Lord!

Easter Family Picture

The Lost Photo has been restored!

 

Category:

Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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