Upside Down

upside down TP toilet paper

Despite toggling among 6 different psychiatric medications, I still have up and down days.

It was Sunday (the day Satan loves to attack the most) and I got up early to prepare my lesson for the Church’s kid’s ministry.  I felt fine, energetic even.  After reading the lesson plan, I had all kind of supplemental ideas and gathered the material I’d need for it along with everything else I’d have to take to church that morning.

But then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started feeling tired.  At the same time, the babies started to wake up.  I went and laid down to cuddle them.  For some reason, tears started pouring out of my eyes.  I didn’t feel sad, just heavy and tired and overwhelmed.  My back was hurting too.  So, after much mental debate, (and the realization that I was running out of time), I sent a message to let the church know I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I needed a “down day.”  Amor and Grandma took care of the kids all morning until around nap time.

The last time I was this “sick” (Ok, yes, let’s call it like it is – “depressed”), I had come out of it only to find myself extremely frustrated by the house being upside down and things not having been done “my way.”  I was angry at Amor for not doing things more thoroughly, but mostly I was mad at myself for not being able to handle it all.  I thought about that.  

I was so down, though and isolating, that I didn’t want to get up to go to the bathroom or leave the comfort of my room to grab a soda.  I kept the babies in my room watching Curious George II from about 3 – 5:30pm.  Their sweetness brightened me, but I was still very tired.  So I sent them outside with Amor.  Grandma was in her room.  I hurriedly threw pizzas in the oven and microwaved veggies and set them up for dinner.  I did my nightly “side work” and went to bed at 6:45pm.

I woke up at 6:45am in a rush to do devotions with Mica and Hope and get them ready for school only to discover the following:  

  • Kitchen table with yesterday’s dinner not put away, covered in ants
  • Cat vomit on the floor
  • Dishes piled up in the sink
  • Toothpaste still on the toddlers’ toothbrushes (they hadn’t brushed day or night)
  • Crackers smushed into the carpet that I’d just vacuumed
  • Every trash can in the house full to the brim
  • Pointy toys littered the floor, out of place, just begging to be stepped on
  • (later:  daughter and neighbor T.P.ed the backyard!)

I shook it all off and tried to stay calm about it, but Amor sensed my irritation.  I had an appointment with my therapist but no one to watch the babies.  I really needed to get to that session!  I contacted six people before I finally got something worked out (Grandma and Mica to the rescue)!   

I spent some time turning the house right-side up again.  And it feels good for me to be right-side up again today, even though I’m still struggling.  At least I’ve got my family and they’ve got my back, and that’s what really matters.  And God’s got this.  I know.

(Written Monday 6/6/16, Twins 23 months, Mica 8, Hope 7)

upside down - Mommy Belle, Bella Brooks

Double Talk Quote: “Oh my goodness, this place is upside-down” – Amor upon coming home early to a bit of mess (ok, a lot of a mess) in the living room.  6/10/16

Bible Verse: ”For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”  Ephesians 6:12

Term that has Lost its meaning: sick leave

Relatable Lyrics: “Upside Down” by Jack Johnson

“Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down.”

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Comments on: "Upside Down" (11)

  1. You poor critter! After reading this post I lifted you up in prayer to our Lord. You need some down time to just coast through times such as these. Go do something for you! Take Mica with you and do some girl stuff.

    I agree. Sunday is the one day the enemy likes to go on the attack. God does have this. He will take care of you!

    Blessings to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with depression. Its a heavy burden and no wonder you are tired. But you made all the right choices for you self care, and despite the house being upside down, its nothing that can’t be fixed with a little help and support. Hope you feel lighter soon

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I relate to every word of this. I hope you’re feeling better. It is so tough feeling like we clean the same mess only to have to do it all over again. Throw in mental health conditions and it’s further overwhelming.

    As for teaching at church…I relate there, too. I’m struggling right now because we moved and I used to love teaching the kids at my old church — well, I loved it, but it overloaded me. I’m in a space right now where I very much need to find a church community, but my depression and anxiety are so bad, and I know in my heart that while I DO need church, I am tapped out and have so little to give in terms of volunteering. So…I haven’t found a new church. It’s a sad cycle.

    Lots of love to you and prayers for strength as you move towards better days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely understand. It’s so hard to make those connections when you’re struggling and that’s when you need them the most! Well, please know I’m praying for you, that God will direct your path and send the right people your way, and give you peace in your heart so you can overcome some of that anxiety and find the church he wants you to be happy to be a part of!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow – just reading the list of what you woke up to made me cringe;
    you were AMAZING that you shook it all off instead of flipping out
    like yours truly would’ve done.

    I completely related to the articulate way you described the depression that slammed into you. I hope so much that you’re feeling “right-side up” today and if I had my way, every day to come, but as you wisely noted, you (and I) “still have up and down days”

    Adorable photos as always, my beautiful SuperMommy.
    Sending you love and strength in the face of every challenge that comes your way.
    You’re a true inspiration.
    XOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for always reading and being my staunch supporter. I love reading you comments, being able to relate, they always make me feel so…understood. That means a great deal to me!

      Like

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