Despite toggling among 6 different psychiatric medications, I still have up and down days.
It was Sunday (the day Satan loves to attack the most) and I got up early to prepare my lesson for the Church’s kid’s ministry. I felt fine, energetic even. After reading the lesson plan, I had all kind of supplemental ideas and gathered the material I’d need for it along with everything else I’d have to take to church that morning.
But then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started feeling tired. At the same time, the babies started to wake up. I went and laid down to cuddle them. For some reason, tears started pouring out of my eyes. I didn’t feel sad, just heavy and tired and overwhelmed. My back was hurting too. So, after much mental debate, (and the realization that I was running out of time), I sent a message to let the church know I wouldn’t be able to make it. I needed a “down day.” Amor and Grandma took care of the kids all morning until around nap time.
The last time I was this “sick” (Ok, yes, let’s call it like it is – “depressed”), I had come out of it only to find myself extremely frustrated by the house being upside down and things not having been done “my way.” I was angry at Amor for not doing things more thoroughly, but mostly I was mad at myself for not being able to handle it all. I thought about that.
I was so down, though and isolating, that I didn’t want to get up to go to the bathroom or leave the comfort of my room to grab a soda. I kept the babies in my room watching Curious George II from about 3 – 5:30pm. Their sweetness brightened me, but I was still very tired. So I sent them outside with Amor. Grandma was in her room. I hurriedly threw pizzas in the oven and microwaved veggies and set them up for dinner. I did my nightly “side work” and went to bed at 6:45pm.
I woke up at 6:45am in a rush to do devotions with Mica and Hope and get them ready for school only to discover the following:
- Kitchen table with yesterday’s dinner not put away, covered in ants
- Cat vomit on the floor
- Dishes piled up in the sink
- Toothpaste still on the toddlers’ toothbrushes (they hadn’t brushed day or night)
- Crackers smushed into the carpet that I’d just vacuumed
- Every trash can in the house full to the brim
- Pointy toys littered the floor, out of place, just begging to be stepped on
- (later: daughter and neighbor T.P.ed the backyard!)
I shook it all off and tried to stay calm about it, but Amor sensed my irritation. I had an appointment with my therapist but no one to watch the babies. I really needed to get to that session! I contacted six people before I finally got something worked out (Grandma and Mica to the rescue)!
I spent some time turning the house right-side up again. And it feels good for me to be right-side up again today, even though I’m still struggling. At least I’ve got my family and they’ve got my back, and that’s what really matters. And God’s got this. I know.
(Written Monday 6/6/16, Twins 23 months, Mica 8, Hope 7)
Double Talk Quote: “Oh my goodness, this place is upside-down” – Amor upon coming home early to a bit of mess (ok, a lot of a mess) in the living room. 6/10/16
Bible Verse: ”For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12
Term that has Lost its meaning: sick leave
Relatable Lyrics: “Upside Down” by Jack Johnson
“Who’s to say
I can’t do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren’t always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down.”