I made the drive home from church. Making it there to serve in itself was a miracle. I probably shouldn’t have driven home but it was the only place I wanted to be. So I took some medicine and took deep breaths the whole way home. See, in the parking lot as I was leaving, I felt a panic attack coming on. I’ve been struggling with bipolar depression lately. The deep, daunting, paranoia-filled affliction has encompassed me, debilitated me, and encumbered me from doing the simplest things, such as taking a shower or washing dishes, to my most important job, mommying.
Anytime I start to think big, I feel like Satan rallies his demonic troops and launches a full-blown attack against me. Some might think I’m paranoid. But this is backed by the Bible (which is my test to see if I’m being paranoid). And this is Biblical: Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I’ve got some big things coming up. At the beginning of last month, I started actively pursuing a way to get my “Think Big and Be Big” scriptural affirmation cards off the ground. I also got the idea to start a topical small group for writers at my church.
It’s so hard to claim victory in the midst of despair. I know God has won the war for my soul but that doesn’t mean I don’t get wounded in battle. But it’s the little victories that lead back to the path of stability.
The other day I was too weary to get out of bed. I had to ask my mother to keep the kids. After sleeping for over 19 hours straight, I woke up, and prayed my simple prayer, once again, “God, please help me.” Then, I got up and cleaned my daughter’s disaster of a room, which took about three hours of concentrated effort. The twins came in and climbed on everything and wanted to get into big sissy’s stuff and play (which of course, I took some time to do). Cleaning and spending time with my little ones… It was a small victory, but a victory none-the-less.
Throughout this depressive episode, I’ve tried to get out and do things even if I didn’t feel like it. I dragged myself to a few play-dates and tried not to isolate myself, which is what I usually do, claiming that I’m sick. I am sick but “depressed” is a more accurate description. I hate claiming that over myself. I’ve been deeply depressed for nearly a month now, but I’ve got some important milestones coming up that I pray will help pull me out.
I seriously considered canceling that writer’s small group, which is set to begin this Thursday (and I’m supposed to be the “leader”). Me, in my condition, leading a small group of any kind will be, well, another miracle. But God wouldn’t let me let go of that idea so I know that with His help and guidance, I can do it.
So I have to claim victory, not defeat! Regardless of how I feel, I know that God’s got me and He has His purpose and plans to build me up and NOT let me down! I believe that. I put all my hope in that. I have faith that He will pull me through this storm. I claim victory now, Lord. I have the victory in Jesus.
Double Talk Quote: “Mommy, I’ll sing a song to you so you’ll feel better.” – Bella 5/17/17
Bible Verse: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10
Word that has Lost its Meaning: defeated
Relatable Lyrics: Victory In Jesus – the classic hymn
AND THEN I CRIED
COME AND HEAL
MY BROKEN SPIRIT”
AND SOMEHOW JESUS
CAME AND BROUGHT
TO ME THE VICTORY!
Bless your heart, little “Rain”, I know how you feel!
*Note: Sorry if this was a “rambling” post. At least right now, I’m able to think in full sentences!