Crash & Burn

The cat and the hat falling

“So how much sleep have you been getting lately?” asked my counselor.  “On average about four hours a night,” I replied.  “You can’t keep going like that, can you?  How do you see this resolving itself?”  “I’m hoping it will just even out and I’ll ease down from being manic into stable.”  (Anyone reading who has bipolar disorder, knows someone with bipolar disorder or knows anything about bipolar disorder, you can laugh out loud here).

I take mood stabilizers and medication that is supposed to help me sleep.  But when I become manic, my brain tends to fight with those medications.  It’s like it overrides them or something.  The meds do some good (four hours is better than no sleep at all), but they aren’t powerful enough to stop my brain train.

I’ve been this way, my conscious self fighting with my subconscious self to sleep, for a few weeks.  I was having other manic symptoms, but all were relatively manageable.  But the tension was building.  Money issues, problems with my daughter’s school work, babies throwing tantrums, keeping up with daily tasks, when the days run into each other; these are all difficult things to manage.  Then there’s my husband.  He is a character.  I love him.  But I’m not convinced he’s not trying to kill me (oh, the stress).

The straw that broke the camel’s back:  sickness.  I don’t know if my body was just too weary to fight it off or if my brain was just to exhausted to keep trying, but I got sick, very, very, sick.  I was in bed in excruciating pain for several days.  It started Sunday night, mid-fight with Amor.  I suffered through to Tuesday night but then I became bed-ridden, until Friday morning.  During that time, my mom bought flowers, and she and my sisters took care of my little ones.  Amor “did his own thing.”  I wondered if this is how it would be if I died.  That made me cry.

One doesn’t usually ease back into a state of normalcy after being manic.  There’s usually a big crash into depression.  At least being sick gave my body a chance to stop and get healthy and actually sleep.  Hopefully it was a blessing in disguise and I won’t sink down low. I want to celebrate Christmas and rejoice with my little ones and see the look on their faces in wonderment.  I want to and I will.  I will not let anyone take that away from me.

CAM01009

Double Talk Quote: “The only reason I’m still here is because I am a responsible person.” – Amor

Bible Verse: “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

Term that has Lost its meaning: loving marriage

Relatable Lyrics:  “Stomp” by Kirk Franklin

“Lately I’ve been going through some things that’ve really brought me down.  I needs someone, somebody to help me come and turn my life around… Jesus, Your love is so amazing.”

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Comments on: "Crash & Burn" (4)

  1. Have you ever tried quetiapine (Seroquel) for sleep? I had to use it for agitated mania in which I couldn’t sleep at all, and it worked really, really well, with some drawbacks (of course) i.e. daytime grogginess and some weight gain, but it was worth it.

    I eventually tapered off it and keep it on hand in case of emergencies. I started at 100 mg, and tapered down to 25 mg a night, then 15, then nothing. I have taken many other meds for bipolar-reltaed insomnia, and Seroquel worked the best. Also, I didn’t go into depression after taking it, too, a huge plus as you know. This is all just a thought. (I hate how it’s called an antipsychotic – scary! 😦 Sorry you’ve been through that horrible sickness etc. as well – I totally understand!
    XO
    Dyane
    p.s. love the picture as always!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I HAD forgotten about Seroquel! I have taken it before but, for the same reasons you explained, brain fog & grogginess, I had to stop. But I think I do have some on hand as back up. I’ll have to talk to my dr. about taking it on occasion bc it DOES do wonders for sleep! Thanks for the reminder.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. […] I know each time we fly together, regardless of how intoxicating the ride, I always, always crash and burn.  You leave me alone in desolated isolation, vulnerable for depression to come and devour my soul. […]

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