Faking It

 

Shell

Can he tell?  Can he tell that I’m faking it?

Happiness, I mean.  The laughter is real.  The feeling behind it is not.  Can he tell?  Can others?

I feel so empty, a shell of who I’m supposed to be, of who I once was, my soul so bland, dull, dry, and tasteless.  I am, again, uncomfortably numb.

Lamenting about being stable seems hypocritical.  Isn’t that what I want?  Isn’t that what I need?  Is it?  If it makes me not me, makes me unable to feel?

I miss the genuine laugh I’d have when my daughter tells a silly joke.  I miss the genuine tear that I’d cry from the heartache of loss.  I miss the genuine pain I’d feel from stumping my toe.  I miss the genuine feeling of happiness I’d get on a beautiful day like today.  I miss the genuine anger I’d experience from my husband losing his job, again. I miss the genuine joy I’d have of seeing my babies love on each other.  Instead, I’m immersed in apathy.

What have I done to myself?  This wretched illness has robbed me of so much that is precious in life.  Now the medication that’s supposed to help heal me is stealing from me instead.   Stealing my hopes and dreams.  Consuming my spirit.  Making me a robot.

I laugh on cue.

Can you tell?  Can you tell that I’m faking it?

(March 1, 2016 –  twins 20 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

Epiphany Quote: “See, this is why I stop taking my medication.  I’m not Belle.  I’m a shell.” Thinking:  “I’m Michelle” – Me to my therapist

Bible Verse:  Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:8-10

Word that has Lost its meaning: feelings

Relatable Lyrics:  Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

“…I can’t explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am.”

 

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Comments on: "Faking It" (29)

  1. I am sorry. Sometimes they say that is the reason why bipolar people stop taking their meds, because it “numbs” them. I think you do a pretty good job of faking it though. And sometimes that is important for those around you. And also, even if you were not bipolar, there is a mellowness that happens as you mature, which takes the edge off extreme emotions. And I bet if you caught me doing something really stupid, you could still get a good belly laugh from it!! That’s part of the reason God keeps me around here, I think – for comic relief.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Michelle, I am so sorry…you know I understand because I’ve been through it many times. Forgive me for not remembering your medication history, i.e. which meds you’ve tried. I’m curious to know if you’ve tried a medication that broke through my depression – the MAOI called Parnate with lithium? It’s not perfect, of course, but it helps for “treatment-resistant” bipolar depression.

    You know that when my Dad died I didn’t want to be here anymore, and requested ECT and that pulled me out of that dark abyss; two years later I had ECT again after going off meds and relapsing. ECT is not always used for these worst-case scenarios I describe and has been a Godsend to many. If you ever have questions about ECT, please don’t hesitate to ask me. ECT wasn’t covered by my insurance so I made a long-term payment arrangement for with the hospital. (you can reach me at dyane@baymoon.com)

    I don’t mean to overwhelm or come off as insensitive – I just want you to feel better, and I want you to not have to fake it as much. You are such a beautiful, beautiful person, inside and out -incredibly talented too – and I will be thinking of you.

    You’re particularly amazing and brave to blog about these feelings; give yourself major credit. When I was most down, I didn’t want to write about it, but it would’vehelped me. (I wasn’t blogging then either, but that would have be a great idea too! 🙂

    Sending you big hugs today and lots of my love.

    XOXOXOXOXOO
    Dyane

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve never tried Parnate. I’ve done the lithium though, but in the past, it didn’t help. Right now I’m on five steady medications and one “as needed” Maybe it is time to reevaluate my medication combination. I saw my psychiatrist recently and told her it was working. Maybe it’s working too well. It’s just that I’m at that all-too-familiar place, where I just want to flush everything down the toilet and just be myself. But I know that would probably land me in a position of, yes, needing some major intervention (I’ve been there before too). ECT scares me bc, I don’t want to lose certain memories.

      I’d never find you insensitive. You’re always very positive and I appreciate your loyal support, more than you know.

      It was hard to post this. I almost posted it as private but I *know* that I’m not alone. I want to be able to be myself here. I blog a lot in an effort to encourage others, but obviously, I’m not infallible and I want others to see my faults, my fears, and my vulnerabilities and in that way, others (such as yourself) grant me encouragement also.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I think you did an amazing job of expressing yourself. I will pray that God helps you in this moment in a way only He can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your prayers are welcomed, needed, and so appreciated! When I get this way, I often find myself feeling so far away from God. I got up early this morning, well before the break of day and the wake of babes, in an effort to reconnect. I think this is a “footprints in the sand” sort of situation. I know God is going to see me through this, just like He’s seen me through so much in the past. Again, thank you. Knowing that you’ve prayed puts a little more hope in my day.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kudos to you, Darlin’, for sharing the *non*feeling that I sometimes experience but could never quite put into words. I recently switched meds because, while I’d suspected the numbness for a while, it wasn’t until I breezed through two family deaths completely unscathed that I finally ‘fessed up to my doctor that it was time to do something about it. Much love and many hugs, Sister. XOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

    • I knew I wasn’t alone in “*non*feeling” this way!!! While it’s nice to have a kindred spirit, I’m sorry you had to go through that.

      I’m also so sorry for your loss. Being able to grieve is such an important part of the healing process. I’m glad you talked to your doctor and hope and pray you’re on a better regimen now.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I am sorry you are not feeling quite right (for lack of a better word). I cannot pretend to understand what bipolar is like. I have a friend who has it. She struggles quite often. My nephew has it, also. But he stopped his meds altogether and is on the streets running away from the reality of his disease. This is why I follow some sites that talk about bipolar so that I may have a better understanding of what is going through their heads. Sure, we talk about it at times. But, and I believe we as humans are all guilty of this, how often do we say, “I am fine.” I know because I do it all the time when I do not want my family to know how badly I am struggling with so much “shtuff” in my life. Perhaps I do not want to worry them? My aging dad especially. Or I feel like a burden to my family. Maybe that is it. But the big one for me is; I can handle this on my own. Leave me alone for now. I will be fine. In reality I am screaming like a crazy-girl on the inside not knowing which way to go.

    So, yeah, I am faking it, too. You feeling like an empty shell. Me feeling like I need to explode like a volcano. And it really stinks to have to feel either way. I cannot offer you words of wisdom in this area. I wish I could. But as I am sitting here writing I lifted you to the LORD in prayer that He would help you through this.

    Love & blessings, Michelle!

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all, it cuts me like a knife to hear about your nephew. I know all-too-well the dangers of “running away from the reality of this disease.” I’ve lived it and witnessed it first-hand. I was fortunate and blessed enough to have survived. He is definitely in my prayers this morning!

      The feeling of wanting to isolate and not burden family resonates with me. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, in your own way, too. It’s okay that you don’t have words of wisdom. Maybe that’s not what I need. Maybe I do just need that prayer you prayed. After all, prayer is powerful. Thanks for sharing with me. As I write this response this verse comes to mind: James 5:16 – Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous person availeth much.

      I’m praying for you too, Lizzy!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. sandracharrondotcom said:

    You continue to explain and we’ll continue to be there for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “16 He has broken my teeth with gravel and pressed me down into ashes.
    17 I have been so deprived of peace, I have so forgotten what happiness is,
    18 that I think, “My strength is gone, and so is my hope in ADONAI.”
    19 Remember my utter misery, the wormwood and the gall.
    20 They are always on my mind; this is why I am so depressed.
    21 But in my mind I keep returning to something, something that gives me hope –
    22 that the grace of ADONAI is not exhausted, that his compassion has not ended.
    23 [On the contrary,] they are new every morning! How great your faithfulness!
    24 “ADONAI is all I have,” I say; “therefore I will put my hope in him.
    25 ADONAI is good to those waiting for him, to those who are seeking him out.
    26 It is good to wait patiently for the saving help of ADONAI.”

    Lamentations 3:16-26

    My prayer for you is that God will completely deliver you. I can relate to the “comfortably numb” AND “uncomfortably numb;” as well as not wanting to burden your family. But remember, God is for you, not against you…and so are we. I love you with all my heart, and miss you more than words can say ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I knew, of all people, you would understand. I know you’re here with me. Always have been, always will be. And I know God is working this out for good. I know all this, it’s just…it’s just I need to feel. You know how it feels. Thanks for your prayers, thoughts and love ❤

      Like

  8. you are beauty beauty beautiful

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Saying a prayer for you ((hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so sorry xx thank you for sharing – you are helping others to have a greater understanding x

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This makes me sad & I hate you have to deal with so much. I always want to fix people but I know that I cannot. However, I am so glad that we know the author & perfecter of our faith, Almighty God.
    “He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:3-5
    I KNOW that you will be healed. I’m praying for sooner rather than later, but either way IT’S GONNA HAPPEN & you will receive a prize which DOES NOT COMPARE to the suffering that you’ve had to endure in the path of obedience!
    Praying for His perfect peace to transcend all medications ❤ I love you more than words can say mm-mmmm
    Thank you SO MUCH for fighting for me & for everyone else who loves you dearly & for all those you will impact for the Kingdom of God.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. […] the emotion I’m supposed to be feeling!  “Yes,” I grinned trying my best to fake it.  Hopefully, she won’t detect the fear and dread.  Hopefully, no one […]

    Like

  13. […] I’ve been “Missing In Action” for a while here in the blogosphere.  But I have been plenty present in reality land.  Packing and unpacking, playing with little ones, and making time for family, have been a struggle with the move but one I can handle with a little help from my…meds (ugh). […]

    Like

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