Posts tagged ‘stability’

Claiming Victory

20170524_Pink Lily

I made the drive home from church.  Making it there to serve in itself was a miracle.  I probably shouldn’t have driven home but it was the only place I wanted to be.  So I took some medicine and took deep breaths the whole way home.  See, in the parking lot as I was leaving, I felt a panic attack coming on.  I’ve been struggling with bipolar depression lately.  The deep, daunting, paranoia-filled affliction has encompassed me, debilitated me, and encumbered me from doing the simplest things, such as taking a shower or washing dishes, to my most important job, mommying.

Anytime I start to think big, I feel like Satan rallies his demonic troops and launches a full-blown attack against me.  Some might think I’m paranoid.  But this is backed by the Bible (which is my test to see if I’m being paranoid).  And this is Biblical:  Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I’ve got some big things coming up.  At the beginning of last month, I started actively pursuing a way to get my “Think Big and Be Big” scriptural affirmation cards off the ground.  I also got the idea to start a topical small group for writers at my church.

It’s so hard to claim victory in the midst of despair.  I know God has won the war for my soul but that doesn’t mean I don’t get wounded in battle.  But it’s the little victories that lead back to the path of stability.

The other day I was too weary to get out of bed.  I had to ask my mother to keep the kids.  After sleeping for over 19 hours straight, I woke up, and prayed my simple prayer, once again, “God, please help me.”  Then, I got up and cleaned my daughter’s disaster of a room, which took about three hours of concentrated effort.  The twins came in and climbed on everything and wanted to get into big sissy’s stuff and play (which of course, I took some time to do).  Cleaning and spending time with my little ones… It was a small victory, but a victory none-the-less.

Throughout this depressive episode, I’ve tried to get out and do things even if I didn’t feel like it.  I dragged myself to a few play-dates and tried not to isolate myself, which is what I usually do, claiming that I’m sick.  I am sick but “depressed” is a more accurate description.  I hate claiming that over myself.  I’ve been deeply depressed for nearly a month now, but I’ve got some important milestones coming up that I pray will help pull me out.

I seriously considered canceling that writer’s small group, which is set to begin this Thursday (and I’m supposed to be the “leader”).  Me, in my condition, leading a small group of any kind will be, well, another miracle.  But God wouldn’t let me let go of that idea so I know that with His help and guidance, I can do it.

So I have to claim victory, not defeat!  Regardless of how I feel, I know that God’s got me and He has His purpose and plans to build me up and NOT let me down!  I believe that.  I put all my hope in that.  I have faith that He will pull me through this storm.  I claim victory now, Lord.  I have the victory in Jesus.

Double Talk Quote: “Mommy, I’ll sing a song to you so you’ll feel better.” – Bella 5/17/17

Bible Verse: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  John 10:10

Word that has Lost its Meaning:  defeated

Relatable Lyrics:  Victory In Jesus – the classic hymn

AND THEN I CRIED
“DEAR JESUS,
COME AND HEAL
MY BROKEN SPIRIT”
AND SOMEHOW JESUS
CAME AND BROUGHT
TO ME THE VICTORY!

20170526_funny big red chair - 5 earthquakers, Audrey

Bella (2), Baby “Rain” (4 months), Mica (9), Brooks (2), and “Hope” (8)

 

Bless your heart, little “Rain”, I know how you feel!

*Note:  Sorry if this was a “rambling” post.  At least right now, I’m able to think in full sentences!

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Faking It

 

Shell

Can he tell?  Can he tell that I’m faking it?

Happiness, I mean.  The laughter is real.  The feeling behind it is not.  Can he tell?  Can others?

I feel so empty, a shell of who I’m supposed to be, of who I once was, my soul so bland, dull, dry, and tasteless.  I am, again, uncomfortably numb.

Lamenting about being stable seems hypocritical.  Isn’t that what I want?  Isn’t that what I need?  Is it?  If it makes me not me, makes me unable to feel?

I miss the genuine laugh I’d have when my daughter tells a silly joke.  I miss the genuine tear that I’d cry from the heartache of loss.  I miss the genuine pain I’d feel from stumping my toe.  I miss the genuine feeling of happiness I’d get on a beautiful day like today.  I miss the genuine anger I’d experience from my husband losing his job, again. I miss the genuine joy I’d have of seeing my babies love on each other.  Instead, I’m immersed in apathy.

What have I done to myself?  This wretched illness has robbed me of so much that is precious in life.  Now the medication that’s supposed to help heal me is stealing from me instead.   Stealing my hopes and dreams.  Consuming my spirit.  Making me a robot.

I laugh on cue.

Can you tell?  Can you tell that I’m faking it?

(March 1, 2016 –  twins 20 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

Epiphany Quote: “See, this is why I stop taking my medication.  I’m not Belle.  I’m a shell.” Thinking:  “I’m Michelle” – Me to my therapist

Bible Verse:  Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:8-10

Word that has Lost its meaning: feelings

Relatable Lyrics:  Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

“…I can’t explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am.”

 

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