~ super through Christ alone ~

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Now, Who’s Responsible for Gum in Grandma’s Hair?

Mica Bella Grace Brooks electronics box gum - edited

Grandma recently had the unfortunate misfortune of innocently sitting down on the bed and leaning back onto the baby-proof padded foam wall lined with poke-a-dots.  She didn’t notice the wad of chewing gum blending into the background until she sat up and felt the unmistakable, sticky, cinnamon scented goop stuck on a very prominent part of her recently cut and straightened hair.

It was easy enough to remove, using the old peanut butter and fine-tooth comb trick. But Who, but who, would have carelessly and irresponsibly stuck gum to the headboard of a bed?  Let’s examine possible suspects:

  1. Bella:  She knows what gum is, can identify and say the word gum, but is not know to try to chew it.  Culpability Probability?  slim-to-none
  2. Brooks:  He’s been know to slip gum from mommy’s “electronic’s box” (box where she keeps her remote controls, phones, camera, and baby monitor, oh, and also gum – all in one place so she can reach it while holding two squirmy 18 month olds), but Brooks is not know to actually spit the gum out, much less stick it to the wall.  Culpability Probability?  possible, but not likely
  3. Mica:  She’s always getting into mommy’s gum but from a young age has always been responsible; spitting it out when done and putting it in the trash can.  Culpability Probability?  doubtful she’s responsible
  4. Hope:  Totally something she would do.  Only one problem:  Although Hope has no problem chowing down on super-spicy Mexican food, she can’t handle mint or cinnamon flavored anything, the taste being too strong.  And since the gum was not fruity flavored…Culpability Probability?  not completely outside the realm of possibility, but almost.
  5. Amor:  As an adult, you’d think he’d know better.  Well, let’s just say, I’ve had a similar issue on his side of the bed.  Problem is, he hasn’t been near the bed recently.  Therefore, Culpability Probability?  maybe 1% chance it was him
  6. Mommy Belle:  The mom who religiously insists on good oral hygiene, makes sure all kids brush well twice a day, has even written a song and blog post about teeth, but who also has a not-so-healthy habit of sneaking a snack (night medicine triggers huger) after finally getting the twins to sleep but then is too afraid of waking them to actually get up to re-brush teeth, so she chews xylitol-laced gum to ease her conscience but still too worried about waking two sleeping toddlers to throw the chewed gum away, sticks it to an innocuous place until morning when she gets a chance to clean it up, but may have forgotten this time…Culpability Probability?  hummm, you know what, it was probably Mr. Nobody.

Double Talk Quote:  “You’re going to grow up to be an awesome person!” – Me to Mica  “Like you!” – Mica to me (be still my heart!)

Verse: “ Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.” Proverbs 8:10-11

Term that has Earned its meaning: sticky situation

Relatable Lyrics:  “Weird Al” Yankovic – First World Problems

“Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just
so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon”

Bella Mica and Brooks with gum

toothbrush ditched for gum

Brooks with gum

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Drum Roll Please, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Things I Love About My Husband

IMG_20151129_095055
  • He has a loving heart
  • He is generous
  • He knows what kind of food to order me from any restaurant in the city, right down to what veggies to add and what sauces to leave off
  • He maintains our vehicles
  • He fills up the gas tank, because he knows it helps me
  • He makes me feel good about my body
  • He tells me I’m beautiful
  • He’s a good dad
  • He loves God
  • He takes out the trash
  • He does his own laundry
  • He enjoys driving (which I hate doing)
  • He’s a good negotiator
  • He’s a good tipper
  • He doesn’t get grossed out by baby vomit, runny noses or dirty diapers
  • He’s extremely smart
  • He’s very creative
  • He sees possibilities in the seemingly impossible
  • He makes sure we always have plenty of coffee
  • He wants to teach our kids the Bible
  • He enjoys helping other people
  • He makes others feel accepted
  • He values family

Category:

Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

“We Were On A Break!”

we were on a break

Remember the “Friends” saga when Ross and Rachel took “a break” and before she would take him back she wrote him a 18 page front and back letter to explain her feelings and her terms?  Needless to say, he didn’t read it, simply agreeing to whatever it said; anything to get her back.  Of course by the time he finally took the time to realize what she had to say, he didn’t agree and the relationship fell apart (again).

A few days before Christmas, my husband decided that he needed a break.  Tensions had been building in our relationship for a long time.  (And The Rain Came Down was written 9/30/2014 and alludes to troubles dating back even further than that) The past few months have been particularly rocky.  He wouldn’t say where he was going or for how long he’d be gone.    During this time, I was understandably upset, yet, I finally felt I could breathe.  The pit in my stomach dissipated.  The stress was momentarily lifted.  He ended up being gone for only two nights.  Maybe that was enough “break” for him, but I needed more time.  I told him he could stay on couch until we got things worked out.  I wrote him a letter and at the end I made a list of what needed to be done in order to end our break.    After angrily skimming the letter he started checking off items, items that had not been, and cannot be accomplished in one day.  I realized that I had pulled a “Rachel” and he, a “Ross.”

Both my husband and I are Christians and believe in the sanctity of marriage.  We have been in couples therapy for a while.  But there’s a pattern with us that I can see clearly now.  I won’t delve into detail but I will say that it is not a good pattern.  There’s peace and then tension, a building struggle, a breaking point, a blanket apology, and a honeymoon phase.  I don’t know if this can be fixed.

I hate to think of my children growing up in a broken home.  But what I hate worse is the thought of them growing up in an intact home with a broken mother.

Again, prayers appreciated.

Double Talk quote:  “I like being irrational.” – Amor

Bible Verses:  “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.”  Proverbs 21:9

Word that has Lost its meaning: listen

Relatable Lyrics:  “Family Portrait” – P!nk

“In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let’s go back to that
Let’s play pretend, act like it goes naturally ”

(Twins 18 months, Mica 7)

2015-04-06 10.16.50

 

Category:

Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

Don’t Dream It’s Over

IMG_9584

I was having a hard day.  I was so tired.  It seemed like everything was going wrong.  I had switched medications.  Being a mom with Bipolar Disorder is always a challenging battle.  I had a dark thought.  I just wanted this to be over.  I immediately rejected the thought as an attack from the devil and irrational depressive thinking.  I told Amor to watch the kids and went to bed early.  Tomorrow would be better.

The next day was a Monday.  My oldest daughter, Mica was off of school due to a teacher’s workday and I needed to obtain passports for me and my three children.  There was a passport office at the mall, so I pack up the whole family and off we went.  It was raining outside.  Unfortunately, the office was closed.  I was so disappointed and irritated.  The process seemed complicated and we kept running into obstacles.  Frustrated, I told Amor I was ready to leave, but he insisted we walk around for a while, since we were there anyway.  So he took the twins in their stroller.  Mica and I wondered off to do our own thing.  We looked at some jewelry and tried on some shoes, and found an inexpensive Christmas gift for Aunt Starla.  All that took about 20 minutes.

The rest of our 2 hour excursion was spent riding the escalators.  Mica has always enjoyed doing that. The mall was basically empty at that time so I let her tread up the downward steps and try to get down the upward ones.  She was so enthused and entertained by such a simple thing.  We stopped to throw a penny in the fountain and make a wish / say a prayer.  After a while, Amor called and was ready to meet up to go back home.  By that time we were back on the third floor so we had two more flights of escalator stairs to traverse.  I was patient enough down the ride to the second floor.  By the time I arrive to the first, however, my patience was wearing thin.  I looked up and there she was, still at the top and continuing to climb up as the escalator floated downward.

I resisted the urge to rush her.  Instead, I stopped.  Instead, I watched.  I watched my beautiful little 7-year old girl play.  After a few minutes, she turn around and sat right down on the escalator and innocently cupped her chin in her hands.  She smiled as she descended in her fancy green dress, her rainbow colored hair bow and sparkly shoes.  The lyrics to the song played, “Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over”.  The Holy Spirit gently reminded me how precious life is.  It is a memory I hope to hold forever in my heart.   These are the moments I cherish.  These are the moments I look forward to.  These are the moments I live for.

006

(written October 30, 2015, Twins 16 months, Mica 7)

Double Talk Quote: “I dropped my kitchen in my ketchup”  – Mica (meant to say chicken)

Bible Verse: “And I commend joy, for man has nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 8:15

Term that has Lost its meaning:  come here! (seems like all the kids run the opposite way when they hear this!)

Relatable Lyrics:  “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House

“Now I’m walking again to the beat of a drum
And I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart

Hey now, Hey now, Don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, Hey now, When the world comes in
They come, they come, To build a wall between us
You know they won’t win”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

Personality Pop!  

In the womb, Baby A (Brooks) moved more frequently than did Baby B (Bella).  But Bella was much more forceful when she did make her moves.  As babies, I used to describe the twins as “sweet” & “spicy.”  Baby Brooks was generally the more laid back one.  In Contrast, Bella’s feisty spirit demanded a lot of adaptations and special attention.  The twins started really emerging as individuals by 15 months.  Although it has been obvious to me that they have very distinct personalities, they are now starting to really burst.  I feel like I’m finally being properly introduced to my babies and who they really are.

twins2

Brooks has his “rough & tumble” little boy tendencies, but having both a big & little sister, is learning the fine art of “gentle touch.”  His favorite toy is a ball, any kind of ball.  He throws with precision, tries to catch, kicks and punts, spikes, hits with clubs, and even bounces balls off his head, everything short of juggling.  I’ve even heard him say “ball” in his sleep.  I definitely foresee my future self as a soccer mom.  He loves to pretend to read, and does so with great inflection of voice!  When given the chance to pick out a nighttime story, he goes to the shelf, and out of over the 20+ books on the one shelf he can reach, he’ll inevitably return with “Goodnight Moon.”  If he wakes up at night, he comes and lays on me, however he can get comfortable, even if it means laying on my feet.  Brooksie loves to eat!  When hungry, he’ll yell “mam, mam, mam, mam!” until he gets his food.  He hates getting his diaper changed and pitches a fit when being strapped in the car seat.  But over-all he’s a very loving little guy and I know he’ll grow up to be a sensitive, chivalrous gentleman.

1Brooks soccer Brooks smiling with mommy`Brooks smile box edited

Bella is kind little girl who communicates extremely well, using both her wide vocabulary and signs.  She wishes she could speak in full sentences and gets frustrated when she feels she’s not being understood.  She’s fascinated by things that fasten, zip or snap.  She loves trying to figure things out.  I definitely foresee my future self doing puzzles and building extensively with Legos.  To keep her entertained, I put safe “non-toys” inside a hand bag  or zipper purse and let her open it and go through and pull out each item.  During her play sessions, she’ll occasionally stop and simply come to me, as if she’s checking on me to make sure I’m okay.  She isn’t overly clingy but loves to ride the “Mommy train” (when I baby-wear her on my back).  She often falls asleep back there while I’m shopping or cleaning or dancing.   She also sings to herself and often repeats words in the same key in which they are spoken.  I think she’ll be into music.  Bella asks for food by saying “Mey? Mey?”  She has a nickname for her brother: “Bae.” When BellaBoola gets upset about something, she’s usually easy to calm and I believe she’ll grow up to be a passionate and compassionate person.

Bella swing smile 2015-07-21 mommy belle and bella babywearing Bella in the bathroom

The best thing about seeing these two grow into themselves is watching them interact with each other.  Up until recently, their play was mostly parallel.  Lately, however, they’ve been playing, more and more with each other.  They usually play quite well, taking turns and sharing, to some degree.  They also learn from each other.  I’ve noticed that when one learns a new word, the other is usually saying it also by the following day or two.  But this new element of interaction means more supervision and hyper-vigilance on my part.  For example, today they tried to play ring-around-the-rosie, but ended up hugging instead of holding hands.  It would have been the cutest thing ever, except they lost their balance and they both tumbled onto the kitchen floor.  Bella, who had taken the brunt of the fall was in tears while Brooks, who’d been cushioned by his sister was still laughing hysterically.

2015-07-11 twins in crib not crying Bella Brooks plane 096

In the beginning, I have to admit, having twins intimidated me greatly.  Just having one child was a daunting enough challenge.  As a person who struggles with anxiety and bipolar disorder, I wondered, am I equipped to handle this?  The answer to that is….

1 no

…no way could I handle this alone.  I’m a strong person, maybe even super, but the power I use to raise my children does not come from within, it comes from above.  It is supernatural.  I know God designated me with this job so that He would be glorified!  And every day as I see my babies learning more and more, I feel less overwhelmed and more overwhelmingly blessed.

(written Nov 5-9, 2015, Twins 16 months)

Double Talk Quote:  “Brooks wants to (spells) G-o O-u-t-s-i-d-e” – Grandma. “Oh, he wants to go outside” – Amor states aloud.

Bible Verse:  “Let brotherly love continue.” Hebrews 13:1

Word that has Lost its meaning: no

Relatable Lyrics:  “Loyalty” by The Watchkins

“We are birds of a feather, we are always together… we’re friends and amigos, I go where he goes, we travel the trail side-by-side…

…my partner, my buddy, my friend…together we’re two of a kind

Loyalty, It’s being a friend, true to the end, sticking by each other through think & thin”

Category:

Uncategorized

Just In Time

paperwork

Just In Time:  To Avert a Financial Crisis

Over eight years ago, Amor and I became debt-free and we made a pact never to use credit again, unless it was to purchase a house.  We kept that promise, for the most part, until six months ago when my van (that I use to transport the kids) needed maintenance that we couldn’t afford.  The interest-free credit card (as long as you pay within a certain time frame) was too juicy an offer for Amor to refuse, so despite my objections, he fixed it up.  “You want a van to drive, that’s in working order, don’t you?”  Yes, yes, I did.  Around that time, he also borrowed a large sum of cash from a friend for  lawn equipment, in the hopes that he could work part time doing yards and bring in a decent income.

In just this past month, Amor and I have racked up thousands of dollars of debt to family and friends.  We paid off the car repair loan, just in time.  But not the “lawn friend loan.”  And then…

  1. The lawn mower broke.  We had to pay the repair man just to tell us that it would cost more to fix it than it would to buy a new one.  Not only is this an added expense, this has severely impacted our income.
  2. Amor’s work van didn’t pass inspection, so we spent a ton of cash to try to get a waiver, only to have it brake down completely.  Again, we paid the repair man just to tell us that to get it fixed costs far more than its value.
  3. My van started running hot, and we discovered that the radiator and water pump were shot.  It also needed all new tires.
  4. The deadline to file some paperwork for Amor’s immigration case is almost upon us.  (We just found out, it had to be filed within a certain time frame).  The filing fees for the paperwork plus attorney’s payment, plus other fees and expenses for necessary items (such as passports for me and the kids) add up to thousands of dollars!
  5. My computer crashed.  We rebuilt it from its original disks, but it’s missing programs that I need that are expensive and it needs a new battery.

I always pray for God to keep things running smoothly.  But naturally speaking, things are bound to break.  Due to normal wear and tear, these things that need fixing should have broken down long ago.  I believe God has supernaturally kept them running, until a time when we could afford for them to break.

This month, if all goes well, I should be getting an inheritance, one that has been a long time coming; over 11 years to be exact.  It’s no fortune, but hopefully, (prayerfully), after tithing, it will be enough to cover these costs and get us back on our feet, with a place of our own.

Dear God, thank you for your provision.  I believe that you know what we need before we do and will give us favor.  Help us to use what we earn and what are given wisely.  I praise you and thank you, Father, Amen.

(Written Nov 3-5, 2015, Twins 16 months)

Double Talk Quote:  Distracted:  “You’ve got to put your shoes on first, before you put on your socks” – me (other way around, mommy!)

Bible Verse: Luke 12:24 & 27 -Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!  Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Term that has Lost its meaning:  done deal

Relatable Lyrics:  Counting Stars by OneRepublic

“Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars, yeah we’ll be counting stars”

 

Category:

Cultural Differences, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

Sloppy Joe

little michelle belle

“Who likes sloppy Joe?” my kindergarten teacher asked with a scowl on her face.  “Yuck” “ooh” “nasty” were the replies of the other students.  I timidly raised my hand.  I was the only one.

Poor Joe.  It was our very first day of school and no one liked him, not even the teacher!  So maybe Joe was sloppy.  That didn’t mean that the teacher should point that out in front of the whole class!  That didn’t mean that the other kids should be allowed to pick on him!  That didn’t mean that he shouldn’t have a friend.  I felt so sorry for Joe.  I hadn’t met him yet, but I thought, “I’ll be his friend.”

It wasn’t until I got to the lunch room cafeteria and ended up being served slop on a bun did I discover my error.

Apparently, I’ve been an empathetic person from a very young age.  It was recently asked of me if I believed that empathy is an innate or a learned behavior.  It goes back to the age-old debate of nature vs. nurture.  But I think it’s a bit of both.  There have been sociopaths that have come from good homes, but just don’t have the capacity to understand or care about the feelings of others.  On the flip side, some great people have come out of horrible childhood situations.

Personally, I feel like my empathy was ingrained in me from an early age.  My parents both taught me the value of the golden rule:  do to others as you would like them to do to you.  If the teacher had asked, “Who likes sloppy Belle?” I would have hoped that someone would have raised his hand.

(October 29, 2015 –  twins 16 months)

Double Talk Quote: “Mommy, I love you, ‘Squidward is my best friend, Spongebob is a dumb idiot'” – Mica all in one breath (2/16/13 age 5)

Bible Verse: “…do to others what you would have them do to you…”  Matthew 7:12

Term that has Lost its meaning: Mystery Meat

Relatable Lyrics: “The Golden Rule” – Agapeland Three Ring Saturday Gingerbrook Fare

“The rule is gold because, it cost so much to break…”

Category:

Uncategorized

The Doll House

Mica and doll houses a bunch

Money was tight, but we were making ends meet.  Amor was working full time and I was a stay at home mom to Mica, who was about to turn two at the time.  She loved playing with these little miniature dolls, about three to four inches in height.  A doll house would be perfect for her birthday!

I am a thrifter, and by the grace of God, have a talent for finding good deals on used items in good condition.  So I kept my eyes peeled for a good, used doll house.  I started a few months before her birthday but to my surprise, I came up with nothing, zilch, nada.  So I prayed.  “God please give Mica a doll house for her birthday.”  I couldn’t afford to buy one new.

Her birthday arrived and I still hadn’t found anything.

I was driving on a street close to our house, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a doll house out by the curb, waiting to be collected by the town’s trash pick-up.  It looked good.  Surely something was wrong with it if someone was throwing it out.   I pulled over to check it out.  It was clean, intricate in detail, very big, and foldable.  So I folded it up and took it home.  It had a place for batteries so I put new ones in and the thing actually worked.  The doorbell rang, you could press a button and the lights would come on, open a window and you’d hear birds singing.

So I cleaned and sanitized it, then I explained to Mica that God had given her a birthday gift.  I showed it to her.  She was ecstatic!  She opened the tiny refrigerator door, she lifted the lid to the tiny potty, then she opened the door to the tiny oven.  Inside was a small plate with a monogrammed “M” on it.  “M, for Mica!” I exclaimed.  It was obvious that God had heard my prayer.  He knew the desires of my heart.  He provided like he’d done so often in the past, and as I learned, would also do in the future.

I write a lot about God’s provision.  I guess it’s because he’s been so good and gracious when I deserve it least.  This month our family has had some unexpected expenses arise.  I’m not sure how we are going to balance it out by the end of this month, next month or the next with all we have due and with Christmas coming up.  But I know one thing:  God will provide.

Both babies & Mica love playing outside.  My cousin gave us an awesome swing set / slide / playhouse for free that is perfect for Mica and her friends.  A stranger gave us outdoor equipment that included a slide and swing for the twins.  I found a kiddy slide in the “free” section of a thrift store.  At a yard sale we were given two girl’s vanities, a mini cleaning catty, two baby doll stroller, tons of “Dora” books, and a floor puzzle.  I told Amor, “That just made Bella’s Christmas!”  Again, God’s provision.

In the same spirit of giving, I have been giving away their baby items as they outgrow them, to families in need.  This has been my pledge all along:  Be a blessing and be blessed.  And God continually blesses us.  Thank You, God!

outside  outside 2

(October 22, 2015 –  twins 15 months)

Double Talk Quote: “I want to know if you’re ready to church!” – Amor, meant to say “…go to church”

Bible Verse: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matt 6:33

Word that has Lost its meaning: affordable

Relatable Lyrics:  “He is All We Need” – Highlands Worship

“Carried only by Your grace and mercy God
Though we are undeserving
You called us Your own
Once were orphaned, now we sit at the table of the King”

Category:

Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Sleepy

sleepy 55

“Sleepy”

I’m so tired, still I open my eyes

Breathing too quickly although I try

To inhale calmly and let out a sigh

And think to myself and wonder why

Am I so cold?  And to my surprise

I’ve hidden exhaustion behind a guise

Of nervous energy and wicked lies

I tell myself to realize

What dreams mean when I fly

And when I fall wish I were high

And then I’ll crawl wish I could cry

Again that’s all like I have died

And

I’m so sleepy, still I am awake

Dreaming when so much real is at stake

And sometimes decisions that I have to make

Are more like illusions that I have to fake

And even though sometimes I make a mistake

I still need to rest; the whole world needs to wait

Because I need to sleep so I need to take

Something that won’t make me crash too late

But nothing is out there for my own sake

And nothing’s in here for me not to hate

Except nothing and nowhere for me to escape

Through the cracks, can’t sleep through this mental earthquake.

Jan 20, 2003

MW

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Original Music, Uncategorized

Writing Is Not A Sport

sport

Over the past few years, I’ve had a driving desire within me, to step outside myself and breathe.  I had walls, tall walls built up so thick and so high, so that I wouldn’t get hurt, couldn’t be touched.  But God has called me to break down barriers, finally be okay with being myself, reach out to others, burst free from my bipolar bubble.  I do this by connecting with others, even when I want to isolate myself.  I do this by mommying, even when I’m tired.  But the best outlet I have for doing this is by writing.  Whether I’m writing something profound, stories, or just being silly it’s therapeutic for me and I hope it’s inspirational for others as well.

Over the past few months, the desire to share some of my personal writing has become quite intense.  Years ago, in the midst of rapid cycling, one thing that kept me going and I believe helped bring me through were Scripture and Affirmations.  At one time, I would have died of embarrassment and humiliation if someone had read one of my “Think Big, Be Big” cards.  And now, I want them published?

This is why I believe the desire is not driven by me.  I’m not in some grandiose mood thinking they’re “so great” that the whole world needs to read them.  I believe the drive comes from God.  He was my inspiration and reason for writing them.  They could help other people who are hurting right now, like I was hurting then.  So why not share with them what God gave me while in His Word?

I’ve been searching for connections, someone who can help me make this dream a reality.  Most of my family members have been supportive.  Most but not all.

Passion, Enthusiasm, Inspiration, Drive, Determination.  I’ve been cut down to size.

 

Double Talk Quote: “…your idea of writing is the same as my idea of becoming a professional soccer player.” – Amor (my dear husband)

Bible Verse: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Word that has Lost its meaning: dream

Relatable Lyrics:  “Shut Down” by Soul Asylum

“I’ve been pulled aside and told that life was overrated ,  No, I don’t believe it…
…I can write all night but in the morning I can’t read it…

When I can’t get keep from getting down…I become invisible, unlivable, Just dysfunctional, Shut down”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized