~ super through Christ alone ~

Archive for the ‘Bipolar Mommy’ Category

Lies

Dandylion

“How long will it be before you screw these kids up?”  There are so many ways that could happen.  “You’re walking on thin ice.”  I have this uneasy feeling I can’t shake.  “Go ahead, celebrate mother’s day; this year.  You’ve been a good mom so far, but really, how long can you keep it up?”  I feel tired.  So tired.

This is Satan beating up on me.  Preying on my insecurities.  He’s trying to make me believe that I am doomed to fail.

Sometimes, particularly when you have a mood disorder, or even when you’re just feeling weak, it’s hard to fight these lies.

I know I won’t be a perfect parent.  (I haven’t been).  It’s impossible.  I have make mistakes and I will make more.  There will be times that I will be a poor example.  My prayer is that those times will be few and far between and that, as God uses those moments to teach me, my children will learn too.

(May 12, 2015 –  twins 10 months)

Double Talk Quote: “Sometimes promises are like plans, they don’t work out, so they change.” – Oh Amor

Bible Verse: “The devil… is a liar and the father of lies.”  John 8:44

Term that has Lost its meaning: perfect

Relatable Lyrics: “Lies” by Keith Green https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71q1GHq5t-I

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

The Writing Job

the writing job mommy writing

I recently applied for a writing job for an online Christian website.  I didn’t get it.  One possible reason why is that my “résumé” was a bit unconventional, due to a large gap in work history (though I still contend that Mommying is the most important job in the world).  Another may be that I didn’t conform my writing samples to the “Lists” for which the site is famous (as are many sites these days, for example “7 steps to a closer walk with God”).  Maybe my formatting was off or my spelling or grammar was incorrect.  Perhaps they were looking for someone more qualified, more experienced, more confident, more humble, more righteous, or more something.  Whatever the reason, it wasn’t meant to be.  But this one thing I know, I must write.

The following are my answers, in conversational form, to the questions from the application:

“Ten years ago, God spoke to me. He told me in no uncertain terms to write. Write. Write what? What does a 22 year old college student have to write about? I didn’t have an answer for that. I do now.

Since that time, I have struggled with Bipolar disorder, addiction, marital conflict, motherhood, and feeling lost in life. I have also been delivered, healed and transformed. Satan has attacked me countless times. He is not only betting against me, he’s actively seeking to destroy me! I know this from scripture AND I know this from the past (I will write “Testimonies” one day). God has called me to do something for Him and Satan has tried all my life to stop this from happening. The irony is, the harder he tries, the more God overcomes and the more testimonies I get.

So, to answer the first question: Why am I the person for this position? Honestly, I don’t know that I am. That’s something that would need to be revealed by God, to the person reading this. What I do know, however, is that I am qualified, experienced, passionate, and anointed to do this. If this is the site for which God wants me to write, I am ready, willing, and able.

What is my favorite subject to write about? I have a blog where I write from a Christian mom’s perspective about God, life, family, and struggles with mental illness. Although I rarely begin writing an article with a particular category in mind, I usually find that they fall into several distinct sections:

  • Bipolar Mommy: I write about my struggle with Bipolar disorder and how it affects my life and those around me.
  • Cultural Differences: My husband and his family are from Mexico and my brother-in-law and his folks are from Israel. Sometimes this leads to conflict but is usually more comedic in nature.
  • Instructions Included: This is practical parenting advice from a mom/psychologist who’s been there and has some ideas that might work for others.
  • Life with Twins: These are mostly stories about, well, life with infant twins.
  • Psych Tips: These articles are a mix of advice on using a combination of basic psychology and the Word of God to help with life struggles.
  • Drum Roll Please: God has graced everyone with a different sense of humor. Sometimes mine pops through in these articles.”

I followed up by giving them a link to my blog, sending 3 writing samples and my résumé (a boring one, not the fun mommy one (https://theearthquakers.wordpress.com/2015/04/04/mommy-resume/).

Although I’m not writing for the site now, I know I’m writing for God because no matter how many readers or supporters or followers I have (or don’t have), it doesn’t mean a thing if He’s not in it.

Double Talk Quote: On a snow day: “That silly school board, they always wait until the last minute to cancel school. – Me    Reply: “It’s b/c they’re board” – Mica (funny, funny girl)

Bible Verse: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope”

Term that has Lost its meaning: rejected

Relatable Lyrics: “Sea of Faces” by Kutless https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kEZ1mh2jzg (I am not just one of a million faces)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Mommy Résumé

one of the best photos of all time

 Mommy Belle

321 WhitsEnd Lane, Bellesboro, Some State, USA 54321          SuperMommyOfTwins@gmail.com

Objective:  Explaining (in a tip-of-the-iceburg sort of way) what “Stay At Home Moms” do all day

Summery:

  • Expert off-spring maker & quality care provider with 7 years of extensive, expensive, and intensive mommying experience.
  • Dedicated wife and mother to 3 awesome children: one 7 year old daughter and a set of 8 month old boy/girl twins.  Aunt to two superkids: one 5 years old, and one 7 months.
  • Proven ability to manage multiple projects while (almost always) meeting challenging deadlines, such as dinner, church and most appointments.
  • Extensive involvement in all levels of child-rearing up to 7 years old.

Education:

– Valedictorian of High School (granted, there were a grand total of 12 seniors, but still…)

– Associate in Arts in Criminal Justice (a degree I’m proud to mention, although I’ve never been on the right or wrong side of the law)

– BS in Psychology (which, in my experience, is what most psychologists spew)

Experience & Skills:

  • Gourmet Chef (but some experience with short order cooking):  Ability to use multiple pots and pans, microwave and oven while simultaneously wearing a baby and ensuring the kitchen does not catch on fire or end up looking like a disaster by the time I am completed.
  • Janitor:  Temporary success from time-to-time completing never-ending cycles of laundry, cleaning floors, sorting and sanitizing toys, and dusting at least once per year.
  • Doctor:  No med school but I know how to fix the boo boos and kiss it all better.
  • Psychiatrist:  I manage my own Bipolar disorder, toggle among my 6 current psychiatric medications depending on current needs.
  • Child Psychologist:  Proven success manipulating motivating children to behave, particularly when others aren’t looking.
  • Teacher:  Have formed the enviable talent of explaining in long, drawn-out detail, extremely monotonous and simple things.
  • Scientist:  Extensive experimenting experience.  Most notably, using vinegar and baking soda for cleaning (and getting the kids involved in scrubbing when they hear “the sound of clean.”)
  • Preacher:  less of a “Brimstone and Fire” type and more of the “What Would Jesus do?” kind.  Relationship building, not religion teaching.
  • Investigator:  Sometimes, just once in a while, it is too quiet, and there is trouble amiss.
  • Police Officer, Judge, and Corrections Officer, I protect & serve and issue verdicts to end the disputes, and execute the sentences (usually time outs).
  • Professional Item Locator:  I know where any piece of any game is, at any given time.  I have the ability to subconsciously make a mental note when I see something out of place and recall its location when someone asks for it later.
  • Organization Specialist:  Use this must-have skill that all moms of multiples must acquire in order to simply survive.
  • Administrator and Administrative Assistant, I schedule and keep the appointments and make the coffee.
  • Event Planner:  How many birthdays and anniversaries there are every year?  In a family this large, more than one.  I handle all that with ease.
  • Author and Editor:  Have narrated and rewritten countless stories I have learned or made up, and continually recount events from my own life adding questions and morals.  Also must make time to write prayer journals and in baby books, so as to never forget.  Blog to express feelings and connect with others.
  • Computer and Electronics and Washing Machine Repair Person:  I can turn the computer off and back on again.  I can install a light bulb without getting shocked.  I can kick the machine ’til it works.  And that’s how that works.
  • Plumber:  Own plunger too.  And a homemade sink snake.  And a pipe wrench just in case.  I didn’t have fancy insulation, so I duct taped old towels to the water heater to save money.
  • Chief Fiscal Manager:  The bills get paid and the buck stops here.
  • Risk Examiner Specialist:  To determine how much insurance we need, usually just a helmet.
  • Singer / Songwriter: Children must fall asleep somehow / My children spark my inspiration (although I need a collaborator since I have lyrics but can’t write the music, I hear it in my head).
  • Actor / Entertainer:  Most of the time, I don’t feel like doing it, but it must be done so I slap on a smile and enthusiastically jump in and do what needs to be done.
  • Drill Sargent:  Use to combat defiance during periods of homework or chores – a last resort strategy.
  • Chauffeur:  Drive everyone everywhere, install all car seats correctly.
  • Personal Shopper:  Professional thrifter.  Main purchaser of things needed for self – times shopper for everyone else in the family.

Availability:

Available to work 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th shifts, capable of holding one baby and wearing the other during bathroom breaks.  On call during all other hours of the day/night.  Except when expected to service husband.

Compensation Expectations:  Far above rubies

(March 14, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Double Talk Quote: “It must be nice to just stay at home all day” – said the idiot  “Yes, I love laying around eating bon-bons and watching Judge Judy while the kids feed, teach, and love themselves and the house magically becomes clean.” – replied the smarty-pants stay-at-home-mom.

Bible Verse: Proverbs 31:10-31 “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies...”

Term that has Lost its meaning: career move

Relatable Lyrics: “The Mom Song” by Go Fish https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6nuB37MHko – This is a MUST LISTEN if you are a mom!

2015-03-20 kids earthquakers  earthquakers twins asher

Cat in the Hat 2015-04-02 Mommy resume

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Drum Roll Please, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

“Nothing”

Nothing
I’m stuck in myself way deep down inside

And only I know all these things that I hide

I want to be better and I swear that I try

And I keep right on failing and I don’t know why

I say I’m okay, look you straight in the eye

And you always believe though you know it’s a lie

I want to know why my desires won’t die

And my faith won’t suffice, why I can’t even cry

I’m on top of the world, I float and I fly

And I sink and I fall and I try to deny

The things that I feel when I am so high

So that when I fall again, I won’t imply

That I still feel nothing way deep down inside

And no one else sees the nothing I hide.

(October 12, 2002)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy

3. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do: Red Tape

I Do 2012 Amor y corazon Micaela

…Fast forward several years, we’d had a daughter, my father had passed away, I had been institutionalized, but had stopped self-medicating with alcohol and was on a decent bipolar regimen.  Amor and I had begun focusing on putting our priorities straight and making God number one in our lives.

Grandma actually got some money from an inheritance and kindly offered to throw me and Amor a Wedding.  We were ecstatic!  It’s something we had wanted for some time but had always found something higher up on the priority list to pay for.

If we had our wedding on October 7, 2012, which fell on a Sunday, we could renew our vows on the beach exactly 7 years since our second vow exchange.  The only glitch was – our marriage still wasn’t legal.  Since his former wife had fled the country a decade earlier, and was no where to be found, Amor had never officially divorced her before marrying me.

We had two options:

  1. Pay a private investigator in Russia to locate Amor’s (technical) wife, get the divorce documents professionally translated, have the Russian government officially serve her the papers if they could find her, pray she would sign, professionally re-translate the documents and finally, get a judge to sign off on the divorce decree despite the wife being physically absent OR
  2. Get an attorney.  Pay a local newspaper where she was last known to reside to print a daily legal notification for 30 days.  Then she would have a certain amount of time to contest.  If she didn’t object and it was determined by a judge that she couldn’t be found, he may sign off on a divorce decree without her signature.

We chose option number two, which though was expensive, was not as costly, nor as complicated nor time consuming as option one.

So with the divorce finalized, Grandma, our wedding coordinator, started planning the big day.  We booked a venue at a beach in South Carolina, near the NC/SC boarder where Amor and I used to live and therefore had friends and extended family nearby.  Things fell into place quickly and as the big day approached, we scurried to get things in order.  I contacted my cherished childhood pastor and his wife, with whom I had kept in contact over the years, to officiate the wedding and they were happy to oblige.  The ceremony would be a vow renewal but would, in effect, also finally make our marriage legal.

About a month before the wedding, we went down to meet with them and finalize all the details.  Everything was falling into place except…

the great state of South Carolina refused to issue us a marriage license!  One of the forms of identification we needed to provide in order to obtain a marriage license in South Carolina was expired. Freak-out, panic, and anxiety flooded me!  We had an alternate form of identification issued by North Carolina but for whatever reason, SC wouldn’t accept it.  All I could do was pray that the NC would issue us a marriage license…

I do - Amor y corazon beach 2010 Micaela

Double Talk Quote: “I’m almost done with the “I Do” series, I’m just missing one quote.” – Me to Amor. “Which one?” he asks.

Bible Verse:  “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

Word that has Lost its meaning: finalize

Relatable Lyrics: “La Playa” by La Oreja de Van Gogh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-i-b0NlFHA

(March 21, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

***Thank You Starla Ward (https://starlabward.wordpress.com/) for the above professional photos***

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Drum Roll Please, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

2. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do: Legally Married?

I do Amor y Corazon colage

…So after having exchanged vows online, before God and Dick Wolf, we saw ourselves as married.  Amor bought me an inexpensive ruby heart shaped gold ring and we lived together for a hunky-dory few months.  But eventually, our families started asking questions.  Fed up with fielding them, I admitted, “We got married.”

My folks had an idea of how I felt about being an independent woman and were shocked to hear that we had “eloped” as they put it.  I offered few details and they asked surprisingly few questions.  Belle was now Mrs. Belle and that was that.

It was around this time that we moved four hours inland to be closer to my family.  I had finally gotten an official “Bipolar” diagnosis and I wanted to be near my sisters and parents who, I hoped, would be a source of support.   I knew that eventually, it would come out that Amor and I had no legal document stating that we were man and wife.  So we went to the courthouse to try to make it legal, only to learn we needed certain paperwork and witnesses (real ones, not TV characters).  So I explained to one of my sisters, Sarah, in as little detail as I could, that due to certain paperwork, we needed to restate our vows to make our marriage legal (all true).  She and Joe were happy to help.

So we gathered our documents and on October 7, 2005 (exactly 6 months later) we finally made it downtown with everything we needed.  I don’t even recall what I wore.  It felt like just another day to us.  We were pronounced “man and wife” by the magistrate and a few days later got our certificate in the mail.

The following year (2006), I was doing some different paperwork at a government office.  I had been on a litany of psychiatric drugs to try to find something to help manage my bipolar, and I was feeling “out of myself,” so Amor was with me.  They asked for my anniversary date and I said, “It’s April 7th or 8th”  “No, it’s sometime in October,” Amor reminded me.  “Oh yeah, I think it’s October 7th, 2005,”  I said.  The lady looked at me, like I was clearly mentally unstable (ok, I was).  “Um today is October 7th, 2006.  Are you telling me you are here on your first anniversary and you don’t even realize it?” Sigh, I guess so.  Whatever, we had celebrated back in April!

So finally, it was all settled, right?

One more detail that we, being young and impetuous and a bit screwed up in the head, neglected to take care of:  Amor never legally divorced his first wife who had left him for Russia after just two months of their legal marriage and never returned.

Spending time, money and effort to find and serve her papers was not high on our priority list.  As time marched on, we eventually bought a home and had a baby and put the whole mess in the back on our minds.

But those kinds of things have a way of sneaking back up to you..

Double Talk Quote: “Love you later” – Amor still says this (mix of “love you” and “see you later”)

Bible Verse:  “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.” Proverbs 19:14

Word that has Lost its meaning: settled

Relatable Lyrics:  “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I77JyDu0HVU

(March 20, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

***Update Note to clarify***  Amor’s 1st wife had moved to Russia 2 months after they got married.  He followed her and lived there for a few months in an attempt to save the marriage.  When it didn’t work out, he returned.

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Drum Roll Please, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

1. I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do: The Proposal

I do - Amor y Corazon

Amor and I have exchanged vows four times.  That’s right four times.  Why? one might ask.  Well, it isn’t because we enjoy expressing our undying love for one another.

15 years ago, I was in a domestic violence type of relationship with a bad man.  Long story short, I got away and made up my mind that I would never again be under that kind of abusive power.  I developed a “I am woman, hear me roar” type of attitude.  I wanted children some day, but coming from that relationship and having had experienced the heartache of a broken home growing up, kids and family were not foremost on my mind.  I decided that I would never get married.  It was an antiquated institution anyway.  That’s what I thought.

I was conflicted about it, however, because, although I lived a rather worldly life at the time, I was still a Christian and still held certain values.  I liked to drink alcohol and have fun, but I did not sleep around.  Since before I was old enough to know what it was, it had been engrained in me that sex outside of marriage is a sin.  If you must have sex, get married.  (Hum, that theory hadn’t worked out so well with the first relationship I was in).  So celibate I remained.

I was not a “good girl,” though, and I actually found it fun toying with boys.  I was a hot, blond bomb-shell type who lived at the beach so I had plenty of opportunities to flirt around and make the male tourists think they’d get some action, just to say “adios” after they had invested their whole evening with me.  This was my way of getting back at all males (especially the self-proclaimed “playars”) for being jerks.

I had a lot of guy friends.  Amor was one of the best of them.  During the first three years we knew each other, he actually got married to a Russian woman and moved to a different hemisphere.  When it didn’t work out and he returned, I started to realize that we’d be good together.  I loved that he had such a giving heart and we were both very hard workers and worked well together.  (Someday I’ll tell that back story entitled “Yellow and Green Skittles”).  So Amor and I started dating and eventually, “messing around.”

But I felt convicted so I told him:  “We have to get married.”  This was about 11 pm on April 7, 2005.  We were both a little tipsy.  I was also rapid cycling (on a bipolar roller coaster ride) during this time and was blissfully yet painfully oblivious to that fact.  So I grabbed an old prom dress I just happened to have in my closet and we went to the downstairs level of my little apartment.  I did a quick “Ask Jeeves” search on the interweb for getting married online.  We exchanged our vows by typing them in to the computer.  There was a prayer and then a certificate appeared.  I printed it out.  It had room for 4 witness signatures.  No one else was there.  Law & Order SVU had been playing, on mute, in the background so I wrote in the names Olivia Benson, Eliot Stabler, Ice-T, and Jack McCoy.  Done.  We went back upstairs to enjoy our honeymoon…

Double Talk Quote: “I’m trying to remember the Sabbath and keep it Holy.” – Me 10+ years ago, “But Michelita, you violate it already…long time ago.” – Amor, whose English wasn’t quite as awesome as now, but yielded some awesomely funny quotes.

Verse:  “…But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” 1 Corinthians 7:28

Word that has Lost its meaning: tipsy

Relatable Lyrics: “Viveme” by Laura Pausini https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ_o_uEmzoE – dedicated to mi Amor

(March 17 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Cultural Differences, Drum Roll Please, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

Think Big and Be Big

you're just like me2 twins

Just before putting his foot in his mouth, Fred Flintstone tells himself “Think big and be big, think big and be big, think big and be big.” Although the episode ends in him feeling pretty small, it’s because his “think big” attitude is based in pride and pretension.

I love the quote, however, because when used in a healthy way, it can promote confidence and positive mental health.

In 2007, I began writing affirmation cards for myself.  They include 3-4 positive, encouraging and self-affirming sentences.  Over the years, as my faith in God has increased and the realization that all the powers I hold within are from Him, I have revised them extensively to incorporate scriptures and Biblical principals in them.  I call them my “Think Big” cards.

These cards were inspired by the Lord, as I would do my devotions in the morning.  I’ve never tried to write one.  In the beginning, I wrote them for the sole purpose of motivating myself.  But after seeing both Grandma and my sister, Sarah struggling with depression, I started lending them out.  I even typed a few samples and put them on “to-go” rings for their keys.  I believe these revelations could be helpful to anyone but could especially benefit people of faith who struggle with low self-esteem,  or mental illness, or have problems with life direction.

Over the years, as I’ve struggled for freedom, I believe (at least I hope) that I’ve grown in the Lord.  I’ve written 3 rounds of the cards over time.  I guess you could equate the messages with strategies to manage money.

1.  “Think Big” cards focus on getting out of emotional debt.  Sometimes, especially with mood disorders in particular, it feels like you’re drowning.  These affirmation + scripture combinations focus on adjusting your life view and actually seeing the positive aspects of your life.

2.  “Think Bigger” cards focus on managing day-to-day life and increase capacity to take care of yourself while incorporating God as the number one priority.

3.  “Think Biggest” cards focus on building emotional wealth.  They are about going a step beyond yourself and reaching out to others to bring God glory.

I know I’m not the only one who could benefit from this.  It needs to be shared.  One day these cards will be published and they will be a life-changing blessing to someone who is in emotional need.  My hope is that they will bless many people.  I can see them in print and on peoples’ key chains.  I can see them as a phone app that people read and reread 3-5 times a day.  I can see them meaning something to someone.  Not just me.  I am not alone.  This.  This could would should will happen.  Amen?

 

Double Talk Quote: “That cat roared at me.” – my 5-year-old, bilingual niece, Hope

Verse:  “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Romans 12:2

Word that has Lost its meaning: pride and pretension (hopefully)

Relatable Episode: summery here: http://www.tv.com/shows/the-flintstones/the-masquerade-ball-59978/

(March 10, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Psych Tips, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

1. ADD to the Stress

Mica - awww

I have suspected for some time that Mica, my almost 7-year-old daughter, has ADD or ADHD. It is a genetic “disorder” and in runs in both sides of her family.  She has extreme difficulty focusing on and completing simple tasks such as getting ready in the morning and at night, doing homework, eating, and doing chores.  These tasks consume nearly every free moment she has and is stressful not only for her but for those in charge.  It is exasperating as a parent to try to get things accomplished.

The problem was first brought to my attention when she was 4 years old. Maybe I hadn’t noticed before because I was a stay-at-home mom and she was my first child and it was pretty early to notice symptoms.  Looking back on it, we did have a pretty relaxed schedule.  If we got interrupted while doing something, it was no big deal.  In fact I would encourage it for learning purposes.  For example, if we were having lunch together and we heard an unusual noise, we would go “investigate” and just go back to eating later.

So when her preschool teachers said she was on “Mica Time,” I didn’t think of it as much of a problem.  (I even have a song entitled “Mica Time” about how nice it must be to not be worried about time.)  Yes, we experienced some frustrations getting ready but I usually handled it pretty well.  I just made sure she got up early and promised to reward her with a game before school if she was ready early.  We actually had a lot of fun during those days playing hide-and-seek and Candy Land at 8:00 in the morning.

Kindergarten was not as charming of an experience.  I got pregnant and very, very ill during the Fall and stayed sick throughout my pregnancy so it was difficult for me to help her in the same way I had before.  Add to that the increasing responsibilities that come with elementary school, such as homework and the need to be more independent and organized and we ended up with some chaotic days.  Her scholastic grades were excellent but she consistently got “Needs improvement” in the areas of “Completing Class Assignments” and “Uses Time Wisely.”  We were advised to use a timer and play the game “beat the clock.”  That seemed to work well at first but soon became yet another source of stress.

I was determined that this year, 1st grade would be different.  It is different.  Different but not better.

I tried to implement a system that would encourage her to be more independent and reward her accomplishments.  She had a morning and night check-list and timers for each task.  I made her a “Wise Time” chart to try to explain in a visual way that shaving time off remedial tasks would equal more time for play (a concept she clearly grasps but can’t quite achieve).  We gave out reward bracelets for meeting goals and prizes once she collected a certain number.  She had a morning launch-pad she would prepare the night before.  It would have been a great system.

However, the arrival of the multiple babies in the house brought even more opportunities for distraction on all our parts!  It was difficult to follow through because she required so much one-on-one attention to focus.

Although her general pediatrician was unable to definitively diagnosis her, she instructed us to see a psychologist, and her school has started the process of evaluation, which will take approximately 10 weeks.

In the meantime, we’ll just keep on keepin’ on…

Double Talk Quote: “Please stop rushing me.” – Mica says this every day, usually more than once.

Verse:  “Finishing is better than starting.  Patience is better than pride.” Ecclesiastes 7:8

Word that has Lost its meaning: focus

Relatable Lyrics: “Tired of Waiting for You” by The Kinks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLAuxLqln5s

(March 4, 2015 –  twins 8 months)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Still Holding On

Hold On

As of today, I haven’t had a drink in three years. A few months back, I wrote a piece called “Holding On” (https://theearthquakers.wordpress.com/2014/11/16/holding-on/) in which I allude to a dark moment when I was tempted to self-medicate with alcohol. In the post, I encourage myself by thinking of my children. I also recount the impressive efforts of my father, who struggled with Bipolar Disorder and substance abuse issues. My dad quit all drugs and alcohol for 10 years. He eventually died from a prescription drug overdose, but during my most vulnerable childhood years, he was there for me. I want to be there for my family for the rest of my life, not just until my oldest turns 14.

It is terrifying to me to think about the parallels between my life and my fathers. We are on the same wave-lengths in so many areas. There are key differences, of course, that make me feel like I have a chance at survival, the main things being awareness and acceptance. I am aware and accept that I have bipolar disorder. I am aware and accept that some of the unusual thoughts I think could be paranoid. I am aware and accept that I am capable of controlling my thoughts and thus my behaviors. I am aware and accept that I need treatment.

Over the past few months, I’ve had a few of those dark moments mostly due to intense marital conflict and the stress that comes from being mostly manic and feeling misunderstood. As this monumental day approached, whenever I felt like giving into temptation, I motivated myself, “I’m almost there! I’ve almost made it to the 3 year mark. I can do it. Just hold on.”

This morning when I woke up, though I didn’t have the urge to drink, I felt a shift in my thinking occur. What will I say to myself the next time I am tempted?

This afternoon I just happened to need something from the attic for the babies. I had to move a few items to get to it. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied one of my old storage boxes with a paper that had my sister, Starla’s handwriting on it. Maybe a sweet or silly note from a few years back? Though the babies were fussy and I had so much work to do, I just had to take a moment to check it out. It just turned out to be some of her old school stuff, but right under it was this collage that my dad had made and written on. So simple yet so fitting. Fitting and meaningful to me at this exact moment in my life.
Double Talk Quote: Sarah’s husband’s family enters the residence puts food on the counter and says, “Well, we’ve got to run.” And exit. My other brother-in-law, Jeff says to his wife (sister Starla), “Wow, they know how to get in and out.” – implying that the two of them get stuck!

Verse: James 1:14 “but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.”

Word that has Lost its meaning: odd coincidence, replace with “G-odd” coincidence

Relatable Lyrics: “Hold On” by Twila Paris https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jts9mmDXPCg

Category:

Bipolar Mommy