~ super through Christ alone ~

Archive for the ‘Bipolar Mommy’ Category

Now, Who’s Responsible for Gum in Grandma’s Hair?

Mica Bella Grace Brooks electronics box gum - edited

Grandma recently had the unfortunate misfortune of innocently sitting down on the bed and leaning back onto the baby-proof padded foam wall lined with poke-a-dots.  She didn’t notice the wad of chewing gum blending into the background until she sat up and felt the unmistakable, sticky, cinnamon scented goop stuck on a very prominent part of her recently cut and straightened hair.

It was easy enough to remove, using the old peanut butter and fine-tooth comb trick. But Who, but who, would have carelessly and irresponsibly stuck gum to the headboard of a bed?  Let’s examine possible suspects:

  1. Bella:  She knows what gum is, can identify and say the word gum, but is not know to try to chew it.  Culpability Probability?  slim-to-none
  2. Brooks:  He’s been know to slip gum from mommy’s “electronic’s box” (box where she keeps her remote controls, phones, camera, and baby monitor, oh, and also gum – all in one place so she can reach it while holding two squirmy 18 month olds), but Brooks is not know to actually spit the gum out, much less stick it to the wall.  Culpability Probability?  possible, but not likely
  3. Mica:  She’s always getting into mommy’s gum but from a young age has always been responsible; spitting it out when done and putting it in the trash can.  Culpability Probability?  doubtful she’s responsible
  4. Hope:  Totally something she would do.  Only one problem:  Although Hope has no problem chowing down on super-spicy Mexican food, she can’t handle mint or cinnamon flavored anything, the taste being too strong.  And since the gum was not fruity flavored…Culpability Probability?  not completely outside the realm of possibility, but almost.
  5. Amor:  As an adult, you’d think he’d know better.  Well, let’s just say, I’ve had a similar issue on his side of the bed.  Problem is, he hasn’t been near the bed recently.  Therefore, Culpability Probability?  maybe 1% chance it was him
  6. Mommy Belle:  The mom who religiously insists on good oral hygiene, makes sure all kids brush well twice a day, has even written a song and blog post about teeth, but who also has a not-so-healthy habit of sneaking a snack (night medicine triggers huger) after finally getting the twins to sleep but then is too afraid of waking them to actually get up to re-brush teeth, so she chews xylitol-laced gum to ease her conscience but still too worried about waking two sleeping toddlers to throw the chewed gum away, sticks it to an innocuous place until morning when she gets a chance to clean it up, but may have forgotten this time…Culpability Probability?  hummm, you know what, it was probably Mr. Nobody.

Double Talk Quote:  “You’re going to grow up to be an awesome person!” – Me to Mica  “Like you!” – Mica to me (be still my heart!)

Verse: “ Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.” Proverbs 8:10-11

Term that has Earned its meaning: sticky situation

Relatable Lyrics:  “Weird Al” Yankovic – First World Problems

“Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just
so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon”

Bella Mica and Brooks with gum

toothbrush ditched for gum

Brooks with gum

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Drum Roll Please, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Crash & Burn

The cat and the hat falling

“So how much sleep have you been getting lately?” asked my counselor.  “On average about four hours a night,” I replied.  “You can’t keep going like that, can you?  How do you see this resolving itself?”  “I’m hoping it will just even out and I’ll ease down from being manic into stable.”  (Anyone reading who has bipolar disorder, knows someone with bipolar disorder or knows anything about bipolar disorder, you can laugh out loud here).

I take mood stabilizers and medication that is supposed to help me sleep.  But when I become manic, my brain tends to fight with those medications.  It’s like it overrides them or something.  The meds do some good (four hours is better than no sleep at all), but they aren’t powerful enough to stop my brain train.

I’ve been this way, my conscious self fighting with my subconscious self to sleep, for a few weeks.  I was having other manic symptoms, but all were relatively manageable.  But the tension was building.  Money issues, problems with my daughter’s school work, babies throwing tantrums, keeping up with daily tasks, when the days run into each other; these are all difficult things to manage.  Then there’s my husband.  He is a character.  I love him.  But I’m not convinced he’s not trying to kill me (oh, the stress).

The straw that broke the camel’s back:  sickness.  I don’t know if my body was just too weary to fight it off or if my brain was just to exhausted to keep trying, but I got sick, very, very, sick.  I was in bed in excruciating pain for several days.  It started Sunday night, mid-fight with Amor.  I suffered through to Tuesday night but then I became bed-ridden, until Friday morning.  During that time, my mom bought flowers, and she and my sisters took care of my little ones.  Amor “did his own thing.”  I wondered if this is how it would be if I died.  That made me cry.

One doesn’t usually ease back into a state of normalcy after being manic.  There’s usually a big crash into depression.  At least being sick gave my body a chance to stop and get healthy and actually sleep.  Hopefully it was a blessing in disguise and I won’t sink down low. I want to celebrate Christmas and rejoice with my little ones and see the look on their faces in wonderment.  I want to and I will.  I will not let anyone take that away from me.

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Double Talk Quote: “The only reason I’m still here is because I am a responsible person.” – Amor

Bible Verse: “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

Term that has Lost its meaning: loving marriage

Relatable Lyrics:  “Stomp” by Kirk Franklin

“Lately I’ve been going through some things that’ve really brought me down.  I needs someone, somebody to help me come and turn my life around… Jesus, Your love is so amazing.”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Marital Bliss

Don’t Dream It’s Over

IMG_9584

I was having a hard day.  I was so tired.  It seemed like everything was going wrong.  I had switched medications.  Being a mom with Bipolar Disorder is always a challenging battle.  I had a dark thought.  I just wanted this to be over.  I immediately rejected the thought as an attack from the devil and irrational depressive thinking.  I told Amor to watch the kids and went to bed early.  Tomorrow would be better.

The next day was a Monday.  My oldest daughter, Mica was off of school due to a teacher’s workday and I needed to obtain passports for me and my three children.  There was a passport office at the mall, so I pack up the whole family and off we went.  It was raining outside.  Unfortunately, the office was closed.  I was so disappointed and irritated.  The process seemed complicated and we kept running into obstacles.  Frustrated, I told Amor I was ready to leave, but he insisted we walk around for a while, since we were there anyway.  So he took the twins in their stroller.  Mica and I wondered off to do our own thing.  We looked at some jewelry and tried on some shoes, and found an inexpensive Christmas gift for Aunt Starla.  All that took about 20 minutes.

The rest of our 2 hour excursion was spent riding the escalators.  Mica has always enjoyed doing that. The mall was basically empty at that time so I let her tread up the downward steps and try to get down the upward ones.  She was so enthused and entertained by such a simple thing.  We stopped to throw a penny in the fountain and make a wish / say a prayer.  After a while, Amor called and was ready to meet up to go back home.  By that time we were back on the third floor so we had two more flights of escalator stairs to traverse.  I was patient enough down the ride to the second floor.  By the time I arrive to the first, however, my patience was wearing thin.  I looked up and there she was, still at the top and continuing to climb up as the escalator floated downward.

I resisted the urge to rush her.  Instead, I stopped.  Instead, I watched.  I watched my beautiful little 7-year old girl play.  After a few minutes, she turn around and sat right down on the escalator and innocently cupped her chin in her hands.  She smiled as she descended in her fancy green dress, her rainbow colored hair bow and sparkly shoes.  The lyrics to the song played, “Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over”.  The Holy Spirit gently reminded me how precious life is.  It is a memory I hope to hold forever in my heart.   These are the moments I cherish.  These are the moments I look forward to.  These are the moments I live for.

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(written October 30, 2015, Twins 16 months, Mica 7)

Double Talk Quote: “I dropped my kitchen in my ketchup”  – Mica (meant to say chicken)

Bible Verse: “And I commend joy, for man has nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun.” – Ecclesiastes 8:15

Term that has Lost its meaning:  come here! (seems like all the kids run the opposite way when they hear this!)

Relatable Lyrics:  “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House

“Now I’m walking again to the beat of a drum
And I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart

Hey now, Hey now, Don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, Hey now, When the world comes in
They come, they come, To build a wall between us
You know they won’t win”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

Sleepy

sleepy 55

“Sleepy”

I’m so tired, still I open my eyes

Breathing too quickly although I try

To inhale calmly and let out a sigh

And think to myself and wonder why

Am I so cold?  And to my surprise

I’ve hidden exhaustion behind a guise

Of nervous energy and wicked lies

I tell myself to realize

What dreams mean when I fly

And when I fall wish I were high

And then I’ll crawl wish I could cry

Again that’s all like I have died

And

I’m so sleepy, still I am awake

Dreaming when so much real is at stake

And sometimes decisions that I have to make

Are more like illusions that I have to fake

And even though sometimes I make a mistake

I still need to rest; the whole world needs to wait

Because I need to sleep so I need to take

Something that won’t make me crash too late

But nothing is out there for my own sake

And nothing’s in here for me not to hate

Except nothing and nowhere for me to escape

Through the cracks, can’t sleep through this mental earthquake.

Jan 20, 2003

MW

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Original Music, Uncategorized

Writing Is Not A Sport

sport

Over the past few years, I’ve had a driving desire within me, to step outside myself and breathe.  I had walls, tall walls built up so thick and so high, so that I wouldn’t get hurt, couldn’t be touched.  But God has called me to break down barriers, finally be okay with being myself, reach out to others, burst free from my bipolar bubble.  I do this by connecting with others, even when I want to isolate myself.  I do this by mommying, even when I’m tired.  But the best outlet I have for doing this is by writing.  Whether I’m writing something profound, stories, or just being silly it’s therapeutic for me and I hope it’s inspirational for others as well.

Over the past few months, the desire to share some of my personal writing has become quite intense.  Years ago, in the midst of rapid cycling, one thing that kept me going and I believe helped bring me through were Scripture and Affirmations.  At one time, I would have died of embarrassment and humiliation if someone had read one of my “Think Big, Be Big” cards.  And now, I want them published?

This is why I believe the desire is not driven by me.  I’m not in some grandiose mood thinking they’re “so great” that the whole world needs to read them.  I believe the drive comes from God.  He was my inspiration and reason for writing them.  They could help other people who are hurting right now, like I was hurting then.  So why not share with them what God gave me while in His Word?

I’ve been searching for connections, someone who can help me make this dream a reality.  Most of my family members have been supportive.  Most but not all.

Passion, Enthusiasm, Inspiration, Drive, Determination.  I’ve been cut down to size.

 

Double Talk Quote: “…your idea of writing is the same as my idea of becoming a professional soccer player.” – Amor (my dear husband)

Bible Verse: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Word that has Lost its meaning: dream

Relatable Lyrics:  “Shut Down” by Soul Asylum

“I’ve been pulled aside and told that life was overrated ,  No, I don’t believe it…
…I can write all night but in the morning I can’t read it…

When I can’t get keep from getting down…I become invisible, unlivable, Just dysfunctional, Shut down”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

Updates & About

“Take a 10 minute, well deserved break                         & see that you, too, can relate!”

Well, I’ve had this blog for over a year now and those of you who read consistently may have noticed that I have changed a few things around.  I have:

  • Updated my “About” page (See Here)
  • Changed Theme
  • Revamped a few settings
  • Obtained a new (easier to remember) URL:  SuperMommyOfTwins.com, which matches my email address SuperMommyOfTwins@gmail.com
  • I have cards that carry my information that I can pass out to fellow “Moms Of Many” (or any mom, parent of twin, person with mood disorder or relative of person with mood disorders, or relative of someone with twins, really)

My website is not used for commerce.  I don’t sell anything.  I am giving away things here.  My thoughts, my words, my work, my prayers, my time, my ideas, and my energy are worth something.  My prayers are that:

  • with every word that I type, I am leaving a seed in the hearts of those who read it,
  • my writing is inspirational to other moms,
  • I give hope to others who also have mood disorders such as Bipolar disorder or depression,
  • I am pleasing God by obeying and glorifying Him with my writing,
  • this may be a stepping stool to getting “Think Big” cards in print somehow.

So, please see my updated “About” page and feel free to comment here or directly at the above email address.  I’d love your feedback on the site and your thoughts about what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog.

Thanks for reading!

Me & my girls, Magnificent Mica & Beauty Bella

Me & my girls, Magnificent Mica and Beauty Bella

IMG_4075

Me & my Super Son, Brooks

(Twins 13 months, Mica 7)

– S. Michelle Ward Mendoza (aka SuperMommy, aka SuperBelle, aka Belle)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins

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The Numbers

2015-08-06 upset earthquakers 1

I have 13 opened, unfinished wordpress drafts.  That doesn’t include “Article / Post Ideas” draft. So why haven’t I posted in over two weeks?  Well, I’ve been slammed.  Here are some numbers:

  • I took 4 kids on an 8 hour trip (1 way) for 3 days, 1 of whom became very sick.
  • We celebrated 2 birthdays in 2 days, and have and/or will celebrate them again in a different location this month (Happy Birthday Asher and Grandma!)
  • I’ve taken 2 kids to 2 hospitals in 2 days (they are both healing well, thanks for prayers)
  • I have 2 new walkers!  The toddler stage has begun.
  • We’ve had 17 appointments over the past 2 weeks (that does NOT include play-dates).
  • I’ve changed bipolar medication.  The dosage has been adjusted as well.  There *may* be some rapid cycling going on.
  • My husband has about 15 (million)projects of his own going on, all far more important than mine.  If you know him, enough said.
  • My sister, Starla, who helps me tremendously, went or is going on 2 missions trips, 1 out of the country for over 1 week. (God bless her)
  • Even as I type this 1 baby is banging on my computer, the other just took 4 steps (the most I’ve seen him take at one time).
  • My church is “fasting” for 21 days, so I haven’t been on babycenter.com (the place I usually go online to unwind, I’ve been trying to pray more instead).
  • 2 kids eat like monsters and 2 eat like birds.  Mealtime is crazy.  I used to have to worry about feeding myself and Mica.  Now it’s 3 squares a day for 6 people.
  • The twins have changed their napping schedules.  Bella is down to 1 mid-day nap, but Brooks is still at 2, much shorter naps twice daily (at a different time than Bella, of course).
  • I have 2 computers that 1/2 work
  • I have 3 phones – a smart phone that doesn’t get service (used for calender and camera), a dumb phone that always runs out of minutes (but at least I can text) and a missing house phone.
  • I have 3 brand new universal remote controls that all needed to be programmed (but praise God, I don’t have to get up to turn the tv off or be stuck watching “Paternity Court” because the babies fell asleep on me and my old dysfunctional controls wouldn’t work right)
  • 12:  That’s how many scissors I must own to at least be able to find 1 pair.
  • 2 :  That’s how many hours-worth of baby proofing I’d estimate has come completely undone in the last 10 minutes.  (But that’s okay, I’ll try again later)
Baby-proofing gone awry

Baby-proofing gone awry

Double Talk Quote: “If you don’t know where something goes, put it in the pumpkin” – Mica telling Hope how to clean while she didn’t know I was listening.

Word that has Lost its meaning:  baby-proof

Relatable Lyrics: “Help” by The Beatles

“When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way… And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,  My independence seems to vanish in the haze…”

Bible Verse:  “Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered…”  Luke 12:7

Upset Earthquakers: Brooks leaving!

Upset Earthquakers: Brooks leaving!

Bella following suit!

Bella following suit

*** Thank you Dyane Leshin-Harwood from “Birth of a New Brain” for inspiring me to write today, despite all this chaos!***

0:  time left for proof-reading – sorry in advance

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins

Mom on a Mission

2015-07-13 earthquakers mica and twins

“So what do you feel is your purpose in life?” ask my small group leader. I was timid to answer. It was March, 2011 and this was one of the first groups I’d ever had and I didn’t feel very comfortable opening up.

Unsure of how I might be perceived and feeling a bit embarrassed to be unemployed, I answered, “Right now, I feel like my main mission is to raise this little one up right.”  I felt the anointing.  Mica was not quite 3 years old.  I had no idea if I had plans for more children of my own in the future.

Just the year before I had obtained teaching qualifications in my state to become an ESOL instructor (teaching English) .  I had also applied for over 30 other jobs, all of which I was qualified.  I have two degrees, but have never officially worked in a paid position within the fields of my studies.  Bipolar disorder had interrupted my life significantly, leaving holes in my work history that made it hard for me to explain away on a resume.  With the disease under control in 2010, I had determined to become gainfully employed.

But then Christmas happened.  My father overdosed and died.

I tried keep it together, for Mica’s sake.  My in-laws also had some issues around this time, and my sister-in-law and her 3 kids moved in with us within weeks of his passing.

I had stopped looking for a job.  My grief was often left unsatisfied, postponed, and unattended, as children filled my room, life and heart.  They were a handful but a beautiful distraction from the open wound my dad’s passing had created.  My sister, who had been planning her wedding for a year would be walking down the isle with our mom by her side later that very month.

A lot of destabilization and disaster followed.  A lot of turmoil, a lot of tests, all leading to testimonies.

Little did I know, as I answered that question, that motherhood, not a traditional career, was and would become even more, my main mission.  If I never see anything, despite all my efforts, to change this world, to make it a better place, to bring people to God, I know I have made a difference.  Because I am raising a future generation, instilling values that are time-tested and true.  I am making Christ-followers right here in my own home.  I am bringing up little earth-quakers.  They are my legacy.

(July 21, 2015 – Twins 12 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

Double Talk Quote: “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” – June Cleaver

Word that has Lost its meaning:  lost

Relatable Lyrics:  Stuck In A Moment by U2

Bible Verse: Romans 12:12

Romans 12-12

 

2015-07-19 bella and flower gladiolis

Bella

Hope & Mica

Hope & Mica

Brooks

Brooks

Disco!

Disco!

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

Tagged with:

Season Of Survival

 

2015-06-20 dirt road ward cemetary

Time after time, I’ve been approached in random places, by fellow moms of twins and given words of encouragement, affirmation, and advice.  The most common information I have received is, “It gets easier after the first two years.”

Over the past year, I have experienced challenges meeting even my basic physical and psychological needs.  Almost anyone who has given birth will admit that, in the beginning, it’s downright hard.  Sleep deprivation, the sound of crying, and keeping up with the demands of a newborn is not easy and can take a toll on any new mother.

Here’s my equation:  Double that (twins) + 7-year-old daughter + marital challenges + financial difficulties + changing environment (baby Asher leaving, 6-year old Hope becoming like a 4th child to me) + Bipolar disorder & anxiety issues = “God I need your help”

For this season in my life, I’ve had to focus on surviving.  So the dishes didn’t get done.  My family ate dinner.  So the living room floor is littered with toys.  My babies played and learned today.  The clean laundry has been sitting in the basket so long, it may never even get put back into the drawers before worn again.  My family has clean clothes to wear.  There are ants in the kitchen (and bedroom, and bathroom).  At least they aren’t fire ants!  So I forgot to renew my license and I paid the cable bill twice last month.  I got where I needed to go, and the cable refund will help a lot towards an extra expense we have this month.  So I have bruises I don’t know where they came from.  That just means I was working so fast that the pain didn’t even bother me.

I recently made a summer “goal schedule.”  It helps me stay on track and try to balance it all.  Sometimes, I feel like there are just too many balls to juggle and I just have to let a few fall.  And that’s okay.  Right now, that’s okay.  Because seasons change.  Spring follows Winter.  One day… one day soon, maybe even today, the ice will start to melt and the sun will shine and I will slowly but surely emerge from this season of surviving to a season of thriving.

(July 1,  2015 –  twins 1 year old)

2015-06-30 earthquakers twins Micaela Grace

Double Talk Quote:  “I was hoping she (the mom of twins) was going to say it gets better after 6 months!” – Amor, the first time someone told him about the two year marker.

Bible Verse: Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  – 1 Peter 5:6

Word that has Lost its meaning: failure

Relatable Lyrics: Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxzEeKfpyIg&list=PLtW2C_aPoZfSm10ubNP5mVcg2vqfK8n_-&index=3

2015-07-01 goal schedule dry erase

(Dry Erase “Goal Schedule”)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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I See Two Heads!

twins sleeping

“You can’t sleep here, ma’am.” Leaning back on a couch at the thrift store, I was hoisted back into consciousness by the sale’s lady.  “Sorry, I’m pregnant.  I started feeling very dizzy, so I just sat here.”  “Oh, My manager thought you were another wine-o.” She brought me some ice water and I sat there a few more minutes until I felt well enough to drive.  I had to pick up my first-grader from school.

I knew then that I needed to see the doctor, insurance or not.  My morning sickness combined with withdrawal from bipolar medication had made me bedridden for weeks already and I was only 9 weeks along.  I had applied for coverage, but hadn’t been seen yet, due to a back-up in their system.  I went in the next day and they listened for the tiny heartbeat.  They said the baby was fine and my blood pressure was just a little low.

But I was not fine.  Over the next three months, I suffered severe nausea, dizziness, extreme fatigue, mood swings, and deep depression.  It was all I could do to get out of bed long enough to get Mica ready for school.  The change took a toll on my marriage.  We had been doing so well!  Well enough to think we could handle another child yet within a matter of weeks, I was wondering if we would survive this.  Had we made a mistake in getting pregnant?  Oh, then the guilt that goes along with that question…

Here’s what I wrote in my prayer journal Feb 6, 2014, at 18 weeks (about half way through my pregnancy):

“Dear God,  I’m freaking going crazy!  I cry every day.  I can’t take it back.  I should be feeling grateful and excited, I have my first ultrasound today.  But I’m afraid.  Something just doesn’t feel right.  I’m in a bad place emotionally and I’m scared it’s affecting the baby.  I feel like I’m drowning.  I am in so far over my head.  I can’t even take care of myself, much less two kids.  What the heck was I thinking?  I feel completely inadequate…  I want to see this a a gift, a miracle from You.  Lord, please make my baby healthy and help me be a good mother.  I need help, Amen.”

My entire family attended that first ultrasound.  They had told us we’d have a good chance of learning the baby’s gender. They were so excited.  I was ambivalent, though I didn’t let it show.  I wanted to be excited.  I wanted to be happy.  But the depression was so heavy it hurt.  They started the ultrasound.

“I see two heads!” the technician exclaimed.

What?  That had to be a joke, right?  We’ve just got a “funny” technician, right?  “I don’t joke about things like that,”  she said cheerfully.

Two tears swelled up in my eyes, and I felt God’s presence.  A peace swept over me, and suddenly the heaviness was lifted.  The fear dissipated.  A supernatural calm soothed my soul.  A still small voice whispered within my heart, “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Learning I was having twins explained so much:  the exaggerated pregnancy symptoms, feeling early movement, rapid weight gain, the feeling that something was “off.”  It also made me see clearly:  this was two gifts, two miracles from God, and He chose to give them to me.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

(written June 17, 2015 –  twins 11 1/2 months)

twins fight asleep

Double Talk Quote: “Do you understand what she said?  Mommy has 2 babies inside of her.” – Me to Mica.  “Yeah, I know.  I couldn’t decide if I wanted a brother or a sister so I prayed for both.”

Bible Verse: Psalm 127:3

psalms_127_3- children are a gift, reward

Word that has Lost its meaning:  fear

Relatable Lyrics: “1,000 years” by Christina Perri – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9ayN39xmsI “All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow… Every breath, every hour has come to this”

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Marital Bliss, Uncategorized

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