Posts tagged ‘mommying’

Claiming Victory

20170524_Pink Lily

I made the drive home from church.  Making it there to serve in itself was a miracle.  I probably shouldn’t have driven home but it was the only place I wanted to be.  So I took some medicine and took deep breaths the whole way home.  See, in the parking lot as I was leaving, I felt a panic attack coming on.  I’ve been struggling with bipolar depression lately.  The deep, daunting, paranoia-filled affliction has encompassed me, debilitated me, and encumbered me from doing the simplest things, such as taking a shower or washing dishes, to my most important job, mommying.

Anytime I start to think big, I feel like Satan rallies his demonic troops and launches a full-blown attack against me.  Some might think I’m paranoid.  But this is backed by the Bible (which is my test to see if I’m being paranoid).  And this is Biblical:  Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I’ve got some big things coming up.  At the beginning of last month, I started actively pursuing a way to get my “Think Big and Be Big” scriptural affirmation cards off the ground.  I also got the idea to start a topical small group for writers at my church.

It’s so hard to claim victory in the midst of despair.  I know God has won the war for my soul but that doesn’t mean I don’t get wounded in battle.  But it’s the little victories that lead back to the path of stability.

The other day I was too weary to get out of bed.  I had to ask my mother to keep the kids.  After sleeping for over 19 hours straight, I woke up, and prayed my simple prayer, once again, “God, please help me.”  Then, I got up and cleaned my daughter’s disaster of a room, which took about three hours of concentrated effort.  The twins came in and climbed on everything and wanted to get into big sissy’s stuff and play (which of course, I took some time to do).  Cleaning and spending time with my little ones… It was a small victory, but a victory none-the-less.

Throughout this depressive episode, I’ve tried to get out and do things even if I didn’t feel like it.  I dragged myself to a few play-dates and tried not to isolate myself, which is what I usually do, claiming that I’m sick.  I am sick but “depressed” is a more accurate description.  I hate claiming that over myself.  I’ve been deeply depressed for nearly a month now, but I’ve got some important milestones coming up that I pray will help pull me out.

I seriously considered canceling that writer’s small group, which is set to begin this Thursday (and I’m supposed to be the “leader”).  Me, in my condition, leading a small group of any kind will be, well, another miracle.  But God wouldn’t let me let go of that idea so I know that with His help and guidance, I can do it.

So I have to claim victory, not defeat!  Regardless of how I feel, I know that God’s got me and He has His purpose and plans to build me up and NOT let me down!  I believe that.  I put all my hope in that.  I have faith that He will pull me through this storm.  I claim victory now, Lord.  I have the victory in Jesus.

Double Talk Quote: “Mommy, I’ll sing a song to you so you’ll feel better.” – Bella 5/17/17

Bible Verse: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  John 10:10

Word that has Lost its Meaning:  defeated

Relatable Lyrics:  Victory In Jesus – the classic hymn

AND THEN I CRIED
“DEAR JESUS,
COME AND HEAL
MY BROKEN SPIRIT”
AND SOMEHOW JESUS
CAME AND BROUGHT
TO ME THE VICTORY!

20170526_funny big red chair - 5 earthquakers, Audrey

Bella (2), Baby “Rain” (4 months), Mica (9), Brooks (2), and “Hope” (8)

 

Bless your heart, little “Rain”, I know how you feel!

*Note:  Sorry if this was a “rambling” post.  At least right now, I’m able to think in full sentences!

“Twins are So Much Easier Than a Singleton…”

silly selfie 4 - cute twins mommy belle

Excuse me?  Huh?  What?  Are you serious?  Do my ears deceive me?  How do you figure? Did you really just say that?  The questions raced through my brain.  Unfortunately, our conversation was abruptly interrupted (betcha can’t guess how) and I didn’t get a chance to ask the veteran mom-of-twins any of these questions before we had to leave.

Right after my babes were born, I asked a fellow mom-of-twins, whose boys were nine years old, if she had any wisdom or advice for me.  She bluntly told me that she didn’t remember anything from the first two years due to the stress, lack of sleep, and chaos that having two babies at one time brings.  She was the first of many mom-of-twins to tell me that the first two years are a blur.

I wondered if the veteran mom who made the title comment had contracted the ever-so-prevalent fugue state illness, known as “Mommy Brain.”  Earlier in our conversation, she mentioned that her twins were in kindergarten.  I’ve heard that by this age twins “entertain themselves,” (although moms have to be more vigilant of competitiveness and more attentive to conflict intervention / resolution).  Maybe over the past three years she, too had forgotten the first few years.  Or maybe she just had easy babies.   Or Maybe she’s just a better mom than me.  Or maybe she finds it easier because she doesn’t have Bipolar disorder.  So many maybes…

I’ve been a mom to a “singleton.”  It wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t that she was disobedient or misbehaved, or out of hand.  Being a mom is a lot of work. (You’ve read the Mommy Resume!)  As I’ve written before, “here’s my equation:  Double that (2 year old twins) + 8-year-old daughter + marital challenges + financial difficulties + changing environment (baby Asher leaving, 7-year old Hope becoming like a 4th child to me) + Bipolar disorder & anxiety issues = “’God I need your help’”

So the veteran mom is a SuperMom for sure, as are many of my other friends and acquaintances who have multiples or multiple children.  Just because I’m not as confident or centered doesn’t mean I’m not a SuperMommy too!  And here’s why:

Because God helps me get through day by day, minute by minute.  Regardless of whether they are taking turns napping, throwing food across the table at one another, having meltdowns, or pulling their diapers off and running away from me.  I have the patience to deal with whatever comes my way, simply because God works through me daily and I feel privileged to have the above equation.  

God gave me a lot of responsibilities because he wanted to show himself through me.  He wants to be glorified in me.  If I had had a singleton instead of twins, then maybe I wouldn’t have felt the need to lean on Him so much.  And with this great responsibility comes great joy.

And if anyone ever tells you that “Twins are So Much Easier Than a Singleton,” you have my permission to tell them that it has been scientifically proven that that simply is not true!  (You have the archives of my blog as evidence to back it up.)

Double Talk Quote:  Me to Bella, who was throwing a fit “What’s the big problem here?”  “Dada!”  (I still don’t know the details but he did something to make her raging mad!)

Bible Verse: “…From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” Luke 12:48

Word that had Lost its meaning (there for a minute): confidence

Relatable Lyrics:  My own personal lyrics to DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win”

All I Do is Twin!

All I do is twin twin twin no matter what
Got laundry on my mind I can never get it done
And every time I step up in the buildin’
Everybody hands go up
And they stay there
And they say yeah
And they stay there
Up down, up down, up down
‘Cause all I do is twin twin twin
And if you goin’ in put your hands in the air
Make ’em stay there

I never go no where
But they saying Mommy’s back…
My hands go up and down like babies’ booty’s go…
Y’all better count me in
Got empty bank accounts, accountants count me zip…
Cause all I do, all I, all I, all I
All I do is…Twin!

Money Shot - My Earthquakers - Micaela and twins1

The Writing Job

the writing job mommy writing

I recently applied for a writing job for an online Christian website.  I didn’t get it.  One possible reason why is that my “résumé” was a bit unconventional, due to a large gap in work history (though I still contend that Mommying is the most important job in the world).  Another may be that I didn’t conform my writing samples to the “Lists” for which the site is famous (as are many sites these days, for example “7 steps to a closer walk with God”).  Maybe my formatting was off or my spelling or grammar was incorrect.  Perhaps they were looking for someone more qualified, more experienced, more confident, more humble, more righteous, or more something.  Whatever the reason, it wasn’t meant to be.  But this one thing I know, I must write.

The following are my answers, in conversational form, to the questions from the application:

“Ten years ago, God spoke to me. He told me in no uncertain terms to write. Write. Write what? What does a 22 year old college student have to write about? I didn’t have an answer for that. I do now.

Since that time, I have struggled with Bipolar disorder, addiction, marital conflict, motherhood, and feeling lost in life. I have also been delivered, healed and transformed. Satan has attacked me countless times. He is not only betting against me, he’s actively seeking to destroy me! I know this from scripture AND I know this from the past (I will write “Testimonies” one day). God has called me to do something for Him and Satan has tried all my life to stop this from happening. The irony is, the harder he tries, the more God overcomes and the more testimonies I get.

So, to answer the first question: Why am I the person for this position? Honestly, I don’t know that I am. That’s something that would need to be revealed by God, to the person reading this. What I do know, however, is that I am qualified, experienced, passionate, and anointed to do this. If this is the site for which God wants me to write, I am ready, willing, and able.

What is my favorite subject to write about? I have a blog where I write from a Christian mom’s perspective about God, life, family, and struggles with mental illness. Although I rarely begin writing an article with a particular category in mind, I usually find that they fall into several distinct sections:

  • Bipolar Mommy: I write about my struggle with Bipolar disorder and how it affects my life and those around me.
  • Cultural Differences: My husband and his family are from Mexico and my brother-in-law and his folks are from Israel. Sometimes this leads to conflict but is usually more comedic in nature.
  • Instructions Included: This is practical parenting advice from a mom/psychologist who’s been there and has some ideas that might work for others.
  • Life with Twins: These are mostly stories about, well, life with infant twins.
  • Psych Tips: These articles are a mix of advice on using a combination of basic psychology and the Word of God to help with life struggles.
  • Drum Roll Please: God has graced everyone with a different sense of humor. Sometimes mine pops through in these articles.”

I followed up by giving them a link to my blog, sending 3 writing samples and my résumé (a boring one, not the fun mommy one (https://theearthquakers.wordpress.com/2015/04/04/mommy-resume/).

Although I’m not writing for the site now, I know I’m writing for God because no matter how many readers or supporters or followers I have (or don’t have), it doesn’t mean a thing if He’s not in it.

Double Talk Quote: On a snow day: “That silly school board, they always wait until the last minute to cancel school. – Me    Reply: “It’s b/c they’re board” – Mica (funny, funny girl)

Bible Verse: Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope”

Term that has Lost its meaning: rejected

Relatable Lyrics: “Sea of Faces” by Kutless https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kEZ1mh2jzg (I am not just one of a million faces)

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