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Posts tagged ‘S. Michelle Ward Mendoza’

ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disisum

Mica Homework

Last year, I wrote a 3 part article (see here) about my then 6-year-old daughter, Mica and our trouble getting her diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  She’d been having difficulties staying focused and getting work completed both at home and in school.  It has taken this long, but we’re at the cusp of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  She’s been diagnosed by a Psychologist, medicated by a doctor and her teachers have seen remarkable improvement.  We are just waiting on some paperwork to complete the process of starting an Individualized Education Program (IEP) for her now.

But in first grade, before the official diagnosis, all the school could do was try different intervention techniques.  I insisted on having a conference with the school psychologist (at the urging of Mica’s pediatrician).  I wanted my husband, Amor to attend the meeting as well so we packed up our 8-month-old twins and Mica, and headed off to our meeting.  The babies were wide awake, so we brought lollipops in case they started fussing (a desperate strategy, I know, but a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do).

I felt a seed of nervousness on our drive to the school.  I had prepared a list of different strategies we had tried.  I felt I would have to prove to the psychologist that there was, indeed, an issue and we had been trying to improve it.  Walking into the classroom, that nervous feeling spouted into full-blown stomach-dropping anxiety:  Not only were the psychologist and teacher there but an entire panel of school teachers, staff, and experts were in attendance as well.

They wasted no time, all talking about my daughter and her “problem,” and all their observations.  No one talked directly to Mica.  No one seemed to acknowledge that she was even in the room.  I could barely focus.  All I could think was how this might be impacting her; her self-esteem, her nerves, her feelings.  A few short minutes into the meeting, I slyly glanced at Amor.  He seemed uncomfortable with Mica being there too.

So…I reached over and swiped the lollipop out of baby Brook’s mouth.  Right on cue, he cried and right on cue Amor swooped all three of the kids up.  “I think I’d better take them outside.” he interrupted, politely.  “Okay, let me gather their things,” I replied.  As I did, I reach in my purse and discreetly slipped myself a Xanax.  After their departure, I was able to articulate to the “team” about the issues we’d been having and our efforts to combat them.  The teacher did the same and we all problem solved for a while.

When we got home from the conference, I took Mica aside.  I gently but candidly asked her how she felt about what had happened earlier.  She nonchalantly shrugged it off.  I pressed on, assuring her that no one thought less of her, and that her brain just works differently than some of her classmates and that in many ways, that was a good thing.  She was cool as a cucumber.  I asked her if she felt nervous when all those people were talking about her.  She calmly said no.  “I just want you to know that it’s okay if you felt a little nervous.  I sure felt nervous,” I said reassuringly.  “That’s because you have ‘Bipolar Disisum,’ Mommy!”

And there it was.  I had almost, inadvertently projected my own befuddled, Bipolar and anxious feelings onto my daughter.

Each morning I pray for blessing, protection, salvation, and supernatural favor for my children.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide them and for Angels to protect them.  In this case, Mica was protected.  I’m so grateful to God for that.  She wasn’t the least bit affected by the conference.  Her self-esteem and self-awareness was intact.  Her clarity of judgement and ability to pinpoint my inadequacies was astonishing.

I started laughing, then she starting giggling.  I tickled her until she shrieked!  The girl may be young but she’s wise beyond her years.

Mica eyes

Double Talk Quote: “Bipolar Disisum,” – Mica, age 6

Bible Verse:  Psalm 127:4 “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.”

Term has Lost its meaning: a timely fashion (it’s taken over a year for the school system to put a plan into place)

Relatable Lyrics: dedicated to Mica:  “You Make Me Smile” by Uncle Kracker – “…I see the best of me inside your eyes…You make me smile.”

 

(Feb 23, 2016 –  Twins 1 1/2, Mica almost 8)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

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Out The Window

As I look out the windows of my warm home on this freezing cold, snowy day, I can’t help but appreciate the beauty of nature:

window - bedroom birdhouse

The birdhouse from my bedroom window…

window - Mica's room berries

The berries outside Mica’s window…

window - play room rose

Snow-covered roses from the playroom window…

window - bathroom icesicles

The icicles from the bathroom window…

window - dining room bird's nest

The snowy bird’s nest from the dining room window…

window - LR

Kids playing, from the living room window (Yes, that’s Mary and Joseph still outside in February)…

IMG_20160215_133727

…and from the kitchen window? Nature calls!!!

Double, Double Talk Quotes:  Bella was drinking a slushy too quickly:  “You’ll get freeze brain” – Hope.  “Yeah, you might froze.” – Amor

Word that had lost its meaning:  Windex

Verse: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22

Relatable Lyrics:  “When It’s Over” by Sugar Ray

“All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window”

Category:

Drum Roll Please, Uncategorized

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Last Words

Starlagraph flower painting

Starlagraph painting by Starla Karnes, www.starlaward.com

If these were my last words
What would they be
These blessings for loved ones
That live on with me
When my body is dead
And my eyes cannot see
And I can’t hear what’s said
But my soul lives and breathes

“Last Words”

To my little ones, If my heart ever breaks
I want you to know, that each beat it ever made
Was for you, and so, if is does suddenly stop
My love still exists in every tear drop
That falls from your beautiful, precious eyes,
And in every sprinkle of rain from the sky,
And in every flower which that water feeds,
And in all the air which that plant helps you breathe;
And every time you wish I was alive,
You’ll realize that I still live deep down inside
And every time you feel yourself forming that tear,
I beat in your heart and you know, I’m right here.
I love you

August 7, 2003

MW

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Five Under Five

Los Tornados 2

Los Tornados – Leti’s three

 

It was January 2011.  It had literally been days since my father passed away when I learned that my sister-in-law, Leti, had been assaulted by her significant other, again.  Amor made the four hour trip to pick her and her three children (ages 4, 2, and 8 months) up.  The trip back to our home was much longer, as there was a throw up incident on the way, (which ruined the portable DVD player).  Mica was 2 at the time and I was used to caring for her and Hope, who was 1.  I was pretty used to keeping things like toys organized, categorized, and rotated.  But with the addition of three toddler/preschoolers (who only spoke and understood Spanish) all that went to Hades in a hand basket.

Los Tornados 3

Mica & Hope

It was freezing outside so we were cooped up most days with five kids under the age of five inside our small, three bedroom home.  For the first few weeks, Leti spent time cooking and hanging around the house, catching up with her sister (my other sister-in-law), Tia.  All the while, the kids ran wild.  It was a madhouse and I was certainly not used to that kind of chaos.  With Mica and Hope, I had a relaxed routine, which involved eating meals at regular times, scheduled activities, and playtime – my biggest rule being:  put one set of toys away before bringing out a new set.

But these new kids had absolutely no concept of that rule.  And all kind of “Travesuras” (or mischief) ensued.  Destruction was everywhere.  They would pull toys and clothes out of drawers or off shelves and throw them everywhere, without even looking at them!  The walls were colored on, play dough was smushed into the carpet, crumbs on the floor, poop all over the place, nick-knacks broken, stuffed animals’ heads ripped clean off, even electronics destroyed (you wouldn’t believe the toys I found stuffed in the VCR).  I learned that keeping scissors in the van for emergencies was a bad idea too, when one of the seat belts was cut right in half! Leti’s idea of cleaning was foreign to me as well.  I would sometimes come out in the mornings to find the house looking so neat and clean, only to find that everything had been thrown in one big box.  All the puzzle pieces were mixed in together, along with blocks, socks, and rocks.  It’s funny that with all that destruction, my biggest pet peeve was the brand new markers Mica had gotten for Christmas that were thrown in the mix, with the lids off them, all dried out and useless. Leti, herself, nicknamed the brood “Los Tornados.”

Leti eventually found a job for a while, which left me the primary caretaker of the babes.  It took all my imagination to keep them entertained and from going stir-crazy in that house mid-winter.  I turned the living room into a gymnastic play area, with places for them to jump, roll, and tumble.  I turned my bedroom into a dance zone, with disco lights and high-energy Veggie Tales music.  Mica’s room was toy city.  The kitchen table became an arts and craft zone.

I ended up having so much fun with those little ones.  I fell in love with them.  Any time they started to drive me a little crazy, I just looked at the magazine cut-out I had stuck on the wall after one of our craft projects that said, “Jesus Loves the Little Children.”  It was amazing to me that I was able to handle that, even though they only stayed with us for a few months.  I guess God was preparing my heart for what was to come, and at the same time offering a beautiful distraction from the devastation of daddy’s death.

I never imagined that I would one day have my own little brood of “Earthquakers,” but now that I do, I feel blessed beyond belief, regardless of any “travesuras” they come up with.  As always I pray for blessing, protection, and salvation for each of those little ones.  I love you all so much and you’ll be in my heart forever.

Los Tornados 1Los Tornados 7 - Belle, Stephani, EdwinLos Tornados 9 - Edwin dylanLos Tornados 12 - mica grace

Double Talk Quote:  “¿Quieres jugar conmigo?” – Mica, who at the time had not been formally taught Spanish, but picked it up from her cousins.

Verse: Matthew 19:14:  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Term that had lost its meaning: organized

Relatable Lyrics:  Veggie Tales: “My Day”

“In my bed I start to pray
And tell God all about my day…I had some trouble sharing toys
And during rest time, made some noise
The walls are not for coloring….In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing
God loves me”

Category:

Cultural Differences, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Now, Who’s Responsible for Gum in Grandma’s Hair?

Mica Bella Grace Brooks electronics box gum - edited

Grandma recently had the unfortunate misfortune of innocently sitting down on the bed and leaning back onto the baby-proof padded foam wall lined with poke-a-dots.  She didn’t notice the wad of chewing gum blending into the background until she sat up and felt the unmistakable, sticky, cinnamon scented goop stuck on a very prominent part of her recently cut and straightened hair.

It was easy enough to remove, using the old peanut butter and fine-tooth comb trick. But Who, but who, would have carelessly and irresponsibly stuck gum to the headboard of a bed?  Let’s examine possible suspects:

  1. Bella:  She knows what gum is, can identify and say the word gum, but is not know to try to chew it.  Culpability Probability?  slim-to-none
  2. Brooks:  He’s been know to slip gum from mommy’s “electronic’s box” (box where she keeps her remote controls, phones, camera, and baby monitor, oh, and also gum – all in one place so she can reach it while holding two squirmy 18 month olds), but Brooks is not know to actually spit the gum out, much less stick it to the wall.  Culpability Probability?  possible, but not likely
  3. Mica:  She’s always getting into mommy’s gum but from a young age has always been responsible; spitting it out when done and putting it in the trash can.  Culpability Probability?  doubtful she’s responsible
  4. Hope:  Totally something she would do.  Only one problem:  Although Hope has no problem chowing down on super-spicy Mexican food, she can’t handle mint or cinnamon flavored anything, the taste being too strong.  And since the gum was not fruity flavored…Culpability Probability?  not completely outside the realm of possibility, but almost.
  5. Amor:  As an adult, you’d think he’d know better.  Well, let’s just say, I’ve had a similar issue on his side of the bed.  Problem is, he hasn’t been near the bed recently.  Therefore, Culpability Probability?  maybe 1% chance it was him
  6. Mommy Belle:  The mom who religiously insists on good oral hygiene, makes sure all kids brush well twice a day, has even written a song and blog post about teeth, but who also has a not-so-healthy habit of sneaking a snack (night medicine triggers huger) after finally getting the twins to sleep but then is too afraid of waking them to actually get up to re-brush teeth, so she chews xylitol-laced gum to ease her conscience but still too worried about waking two sleeping toddlers to throw the chewed gum away, sticks it to an innocuous place until morning when she gets a chance to clean it up, but may have forgotten this time…Culpability Probability?  hummm, you know what, it was probably Mr. Nobody.

Double Talk Quote:  “You’re going to grow up to be an awesome person!” – Me to Mica  “Like you!” – Mica to me (be still my heart!)

Verse: “ Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.” Proverbs 8:10-11

Term that has Earned its meaning: sticky situation

Relatable Lyrics:  “Weird Al” Yankovic – First World Problems

“Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just
so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon”

Bella Mica and Brooks with gum

toothbrush ditched for gum

Brooks with gum

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Drum Roll Please, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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A NEW song for your brain (a second refrain)

IMG_9689.jpg

This past week, one of the pastors at our church preached a sermon about gratitude and thinking patterns, both from a Christian and a scientific perspective.  The sermon really ‘struck a chord’ with me, so to speak.  It was so in-line with what I write about that I just had to repeat This Article  I wrote over a year ago:

In a depressed mind, neurotransmitters do not work properly. Often the problem is complicated by the fact that neural pathways that have already been formed are often the “go-to” route because they have been used so much. They are the “beaten path” so to speak. A tired brain which is not functioning properly anyway says to itself, “Go the way you know.” In a depressed brain that way is usually a depressed path.

Current path: negative thought –→ acceptance of negative thought –→ obsession on negative thought –→ negative feeling –→ possible negative action

It is very difficult to break that pattern. However, brains are very resilient and are abundantly blessed with neuroplasticity. It is like any muscle movement that has become a habit. Have you ever learned to play a particular song on an instrument and always seem to err at one particular place every time? Your fingers have learned to take the wrong pathway. You correct the problem by practicing a new movement. The same is true for our thinking patterns. The brain has hardwired itself to think a certain way, but it can be retrained! Reprogram Neural Synapse Pathways using affirmations and scriptures.

New Path: negative thought → recognition of thought → replace with TRUE thought backed by scripture → positive feelings → positive action

Satan is the author of confusion and a proficient liar. Why do we even think negative thoughts? They are the whispers of Satan to God’s anointed people. Give your brain a new song today!

 

This is the basis of my Think Big, Be Big cards, that helped me get out of a spiral of bipolar depression and mania, which I would like to see published one day (and soon)!

The anointed sermon regarding the power of positive thinking and retraining your brain to be grateful, was delivered by Pastor Eric Freeman and is available via podcast here.

(12/3/2015, Twins 17 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

IMG_9636

Double Talk Quote: “Hope is not my sibling or my friend, she’s my cousin.” – Mica, justifying why she hadn’t volunteered to “serve” Hope.   (Her God-Time Card had challenged her to secretly serve a sibling or friend.)

Bible Verse:  “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7

Word that has Lost its meaning: ungrateful

Relatable Lyrics:  The Thankfulness Song by Veggie Tales

“…A thankful heart is a happy heart”

(Thanks to Starla Ward for the Starlagraph Photography)

Category:

Psych Tips

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The “Key” to Letting Things Go

Grandpa & Mica playing cars

Grandpa & Mica playing cars

“Did mama vacuum yesterday?” Daddy had searched all over for a missing key.  We couldn’t leave without the key, he had explained to me, I was about three years old.  “Yes,” I replied.  He took the bag out of the vacuum cleaner, took it outside and dumped it out, and proceeded to sift through the crusty dust, dirt and grime.  No key.”Are you sure mama vacuumed yesterday?”  “Ummm, Maybe that was last week.”  He couldn’t help but laugh.  He laughed then and every time he told that story for years to come.

Daddy liked cars.  Over the years, he’d collected many die-cast toy cars and trucks.  One in particular was quite special, in that, he’d had it since I was a baby and it was actually a bank where you could put coins.  It had a small hook for a tiny key on the bottom of the truck.

Anyone who knew my dad could tell you, he wasn’t a very organized person.  He had a hard time keeping track of things.  But he had kept up with that key, despite all the kids who’d played with it with him.  The most recent child daddy had played cars with was Mica.  She was only two when daddy landed in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital in the Fall of 2010 with severe pneumonia.  It was touch-and-go.  We didn’t know if he would make it.

For the first few days, the visits were excruciating for everyone involved.  Daddy had a breathing tube, but was conscious.  He could only communicate by pointing at a chart.  The only thing that he was able to make clear was that he was miserable!  Of course we visited but he hated us seeing him like in that condition.

His and my mom’s house was only minutes away from the hospital.  One day after visiting, I stopped by to clean up a little.  As I vacuumed, I saw a tiny, shimmering, silver object from the corner of my eye and then the horrific sound of metal being sucked into the vacuum cleaner.  Of course, the truck was right there.  I checked it:  no key. Shoot, I must have vacuum the key daddy had kept up with for nearly 30 years!  I took the bag out of the vacuum cleaner, took it outside and dumped it out, and proceeded to sift through the crusty dust, dirt and grime.  And what did I find?  A screw.  Not a key but a screw.  I went back in and finished cleaning.  Sure enough, by the time I was done, the key had turned up and I sighed of relief.

The next day, daddy’s health was improving and his breathing tube had been removed.  Trying to make conversation, I told him the story.  As I did, he shook his head.  “Don’t worry about that!”  he said before I even told him it wasn’t the key that had been vacuumed.  “It’s just a thing.  God is number one.  It’s all about loving people. That is what’s important.  Things are just things“

Daddy made a miraculous recovery, then died unexpectedly a few short months later.  All the personal effects he’d left behind, including the simple items as toothbrush, razor, & chap stick, were almost impossible to part with.  They were his and I love him.

I am such a sentimental person.  This one conversation made it possible for me to let go.  Because I know how he felt.  Things are just things.  And no physical earthly thing is more important that loving God and loving one another.

dad-belle-christmas

Double Talk Quote:  “I want to know if you are ready to church” – Amor to Mica (meant to say “…ready to go to church”)

Bible Verse:  Matt 22:37 – 39 “…You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Term that has Lost its meaning:  overly nostalgic

Relatable Lyrics: “Shimmer” by Fuel “we’ll forget the past, Maybe I’m not able. And I break at the bend… ‘Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again”

(Twins 14 months, Mica 7)

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And the moral of the story is..., Uncategorized

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Updates & About

“Take a 10 minute, well deserved break                         & see that you, too, can relate!”

Well, I’ve had this blog for over a year now and those of you who read consistently may have noticed that I have changed a few things around.  I have:

  • Updated my “About” page (See Here)
  • Changed Theme
  • Revamped a few settings
  • Obtained a new (easier to remember) URL:  SuperMommyOfTwins.com, which matches my email address SuperMommyOfTwins@gmail.com
  • I have cards that carry my information that I can pass out to fellow “Moms Of Many” (or any mom, parent of twin, person with mood disorder or relative of person with mood disorders, or relative of someone with twins, really)

My website is not used for commerce.  I don’t sell anything.  I am giving away things here.  My thoughts, my words, my work, my prayers, my time, my ideas, and my energy are worth something.  My prayers are that:

  • with every word that I type, I am leaving a seed in the hearts of those who read it,
  • my writing is inspirational to other moms,
  • I give hope to others who also have mood disorders such as Bipolar disorder or depression,
  • I am pleasing God by obeying and glorifying Him with my writing,
  • this may be a stepping stool to getting “Think Big” cards in print somehow.

So, please see my updated “About” page and feel free to comment here or directly at the above email address.  I’d love your feedback on the site and your thoughts about what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog.

Thanks for reading!

Me & my girls, Magnificent Mica & Beauty Bella

Me & my girls, Magnificent Mica and Beauty Bella

IMG_4075

Me & my Super Son, Brooks

(Twins 13 months, Mica 7)

– S. Michelle Ward Mendoza (aka SuperMommy, aka SuperBelle, aka Belle)

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins

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Mom on a Mission

2015-07-13 earthquakers mica and twins

“So what do you feel is your purpose in life?” ask my small group leader. I was timid to answer. It was March, 2011 and this was one of the first groups I’d ever had and I didn’t feel very comfortable opening up.

Unsure of how I might be perceived and feeling a bit embarrassed to be unemployed, I answered, “Right now, I feel like my main mission is to raise this little one up right.”  I felt the anointing.  Mica was not quite 3 years old.  I had no idea if I had plans for more children of my own in the future.

Just the year before I had obtained teaching qualifications in my state to become an ESOL instructor (teaching English) .  I had also applied for over 30 other jobs, all of which I was qualified.  I have two degrees, but have never officially worked in a paid position within the fields of my studies.  Bipolar disorder had interrupted my life significantly, leaving holes in my work history that made it hard for me to explain away on a resume.  With the disease under control in 2010, I had determined to become gainfully employed.

But then Christmas happened.  My father overdosed and died.

I tried keep it together, for Mica’s sake.  My in-laws also had some issues around this time, and my sister-in-law and her 3 kids moved in with us within weeks of his passing.

I had stopped looking for a job.  My grief was often left unsatisfied, postponed, and unattended, as children filled my room, life and heart.  They were a handful but a beautiful distraction from the open wound my dad’s passing had created.  My sister, who had been planning her wedding for a year would be walking down the isle with our mom by her side later that very month.

A lot of destabilization and disaster followed.  A lot of turmoil, a lot of tests, all leading to testimonies.

Little did I know, as I answered that question, that motherhood, not a traditional career, was and would become even more, my main mission.  If I never see anything, despite all my efforts, to change this world, to make it a better place, to bring people to God, I know I have made a difference.  Because I am raising a future generation, instilling values that are time-tested and true.  I am making Christ-followers right here in my own home.  I am bringing up little earth-quakers.  They are my legacy.

(July 21, 2015 – Twins 12 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

Double Talk Quote: “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” – June Cleaver

Word that has Lost its meaning:  lost

Relatable Lyrics:  Stuck In A Moment by U2

Bible Verse: Romans 12:12

Romans 12-12

 

2015-07-19 bella and flower gladiolis

Bella

Hope & Mica

Hope & Mica

Brooks

Brooks

Disco!

Disco!

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Romans w8:2w8

2015-07-15 Mommy & twins babywearing

All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

This was my daddy’s life verse.  Every time we talked, any time I was down, he’d always quote this and tell me to keep my pretty chin up.  Even when times were bleak, they would eventually be turned into testimonies and used for God’s glory.

But sometimes Usually, Almost always, When you are going through something difficult, it’s hard to see what good can come of it.  It’s hard to see the promise land.  It’s hard to imagine how it’s going to work out.

God has giving me instructions.  He has given me talents.  He has given me inspiration.  He has given me testimonies.  He has given me revelations.  He has given me promises.

When, God, when will these promises come to fruition in my life?

Then God reminds me of these other verses:

  • Ecclesiastes 3:11 – He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
  • Isaiah 40:31 – but those who  wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
  • Psalm 27:14 – Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he will strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
  • Romans 8:25 –  But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

I love the Lord.  I am called by Him for His purpose.  My hope is in Him.  Without Him I can do nothing.

So I’ll wait.  I will keep mommying.  I will keep writing this blog.  I will keep pursuing my “Think Big” series. I will write “Testimonies.”  I will minister to “Moms of Many.”

I firmly believe that all these things will work together for good.  Not just for my good, but for the glory of God.

2015-07-01 mess

Beautiful Mess

Double Double Talk Quote: “You have to go through tests to have testimonies” – Starla

Bible Verse: Romans 8:28

Word that has Lost its meaning:  trials

Relatable Lyrics: “You make everything beautiful” – Rebecca st James – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgsfESBDFcg  “In my weakness, You can Shine, In your strength, I can fly.”

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Uncategorized

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