~ super through Christ alone ~

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

A Moment Frozen in Time (Then Melted For…A While)

Tuesday, I did laundry and on Wednesday, started packing.  My daughter, Mica’s birthday was Thursday.  My sister Sarah came into town on Friday.  Saturday morning we went to an Easter festival, then Amor and I packed up the van and headed out-of-town with four kids to visit extended family members and for a short spring vacation.

I brought my computer, and during the much-longer-than-it-should-have-taken drive, I imported and organized some pictures from my phone to the computer.  I wanted to make sure I had plenty of space on my phone – the only camera I had taken with me.  It fills up quickly and has too little space and functions too slowly to upload pictures to an internet cloud or email.  So my system is to load them to the computer, back them up onto a flash drive, then clear out the camera phone.  If I don’t clear out all the photos at once, I’ll have to delete them one-by-one later, which is frustrating and time-consuming, to separate the ones I’ve saved from the new ones.  I was just finishing up as we arrived at the beach.  I felt proud of myself for having accomplished that.

On Easter Sunday morning, I dressed up the twins.  I went all out too!  Brooks was so handsome in his little black suit and red tie, and Bella was adorable in her pink flowery dress.  “Take a picture (thinking: before they get dirty)!” I said to Amor and handed him my phone. We visited the church I grew up in, the pastor of which, officiated our wedding.  I saw a few family members there.  We exchanged hugs and niceties  but I got the impression that a few of them may still be holding onto some old grudges since they ducked out before I even had a chance to grab my camera phone.  (Can we just bury the hatchet already?)  Maybe they were just in a hurry and it’s all in my mind.  I’ll chose to think the best and go with that.  Anyway…

Our next stop was my Aunt’s house where other family members were gathered.  She had invited us to their annual Easter lunch, which we haven’t attended in a few years (due to understandable circumstances).  She had never even met the twins.  It was a nice little family reunion. So nice, indeed, that I just had to get a picture, two actually.  With all our hectic lives, who knows when or even if this group of people will be together again.  It was a moment worth capturing.

It took a good hour to get back to our hotel.  It was raining and the kids started going stir-crazy.  “When can we go to the pool?  When can we go to the pool?  When can we go to the pool?”  As I blew up water-wings and gathered towels, I thought, “This would be a great time to get some good pics and/or video.”  I grabbed my phone and quickly flipped through the gallery.  I admit, I was distracted.  For some reason, some of the pictures that had already been transferred and that should have been erased were still there.  So guess what I did..

I hit the delete button!  Oops, I erased them all, even the new ones that I hadn’t even looked at or saved.  I was so disappointed with myself.  I tried, but couldn’t find any way to retrieve them.  What a shame!  I started to get upset.  I wanted to beat myself up for doing something so stupid.

But then it hit me: Those pictures aren’t gone.  They still exist in my mind.  That mental picture is fresh and the reminder is right here in my words in this post

To the family whose picture I didn’t get:  I see you

To the family whose picture I lost:  I’ll remember you

To my extended family, even though we are far away from each other, some physically, some emotionally, I love you all.

I have my mental picture and its clarity and contrast is better than anything a camera phone could have ever captured.

(Resurrection Sunday, March 27, 2016, Twins 21 months, Mica 8, Hope 6)

(Above pictures courtesy of Amor’s phone)

Double Talk Quote: “But I don’t even know how to take care of babies!” – Hope, shortly after the twins were born. “You will soon,” I reply.

Bible Verse:  “I tell you this: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable… O death, where is your sting?  …Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory …” 1 Corinthians 15:50-57

Word that has Lost its meaning: Cloud

Relatable Lyrics:  “The Easter Song” by Keith Green

“The angels, they all surround us, And they are ministering Jesus’ power
Quickly now, reach out and receive it, For this could be your glorious hour!”

Update:

After reading this post, Grandma contacted me and implored me to search for restoration programs and instructed me not to take any more pics until I had done so.  I had to delete about 5 apps from my phone to make room for a disk restore app, all while trying to get out the hotel room with 4 excited kids and one irritated hubby (I don’t blame him, it did take a while).  But low-and-behold, I did get my pictures back. I guess they hadn’t melted away forever!!!  Praise the Lord!

Easter Family Picture

The Lost Photo has been restored!

 

Category:

Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Struggle to Juggle: Writing

Baby Books and Prayer Journals

I have so much to write.  I love writing my blog and I have so many open drafts, so many ideas of what I want to write, but so little time.  But there is so much more writing I need to do and I’m feeling the pressure to update those things as well as my blog (esp. my “Mommy Resume”.

  1.  My prayer journal:  I’ve been writing prayers – pen to paper for over a decade.  Over the last few months, I’ve been typing or saying prayers but it just doesn’t feel the same as when I sit down with a blank book and chicken-scratch a “Dear God” letter.  There’s no auto-correct.  There’s no editing.  There’s no outline.  And there’s no right or wrong thing to write.  I just pour out my heart and I feel closer to God.  So I’ve been getting up earlier and earlier to try to feel that closeness.  When I’m not interrupted by an early morning rising baby, it’s such a fulfilling feeling to just scribble my thoughts to the Lord in the morning.
  2. Baby Books:  Mica’s baby book is a masterpiece work of art.  It contains drawings we did together and detailed stories from when she was little, with added pages, tailored to show her uniqueness and just how special she is to me.  It is a beautiful exhibit of her character as a baby, and mine too, as a first-time mom.  The twins each have baby books.  I knew it would be challenging to keep up with two, especially considering the time and effort I put into Mica’s.  I definitely have some updating to do there!  With so much going on and so little time, I find myself throwing sticky notes and drawings in the books.  I really need to go through and organize those things, and actually write in them.
  3. Birthday Letters:  On each child’s birthday, I’m supposed to celebrate, make a cake, throw a party, and be exuberant and enthusiastic (regardless of my mood or energy level).  I have also put it upon myself to write an extremely heartfelt card, not to be opened for 18 years (or “when the time is right”).  With four to write for (and two in one day), it can be a lot. These are not just well wishes.  These are spiritual blessings and hopes and dreams for my children’s futures.  Each is unique.  Each is special.  I cry tears of emotion, joy, and sentiment over each.
  4. Immigration:  Amor, my husband, and I have an immigration case pending.  He is from Mexico and is seeking permanent citizenship.  Much of his case resides on my written brief.  For the longest time, we were waiting on the Government for the forms we filed to be processed. The case is currently awaiting my input.  It’s time to get around to that.
  5. Snail Mail:  Who sends good, old-fashioned snail mail anymore?  Me!!!  Well, it’s mostly drawing or collages.  But still, it takes time to put together, write little comments and the addresses, etc.  I send them mostly to my sister but like to surprise other family members from time to time.
  6. Business:  Don’t you just hate calling a big corporation and talking to a machine?  Then after 5 or 10 minutes, you finally get someone on the line and the accent is so thick and the connection so terrible, you can’t communicate?   I’ve gone through this so much and wasted so much time and aggravation.  I usually sit down and write to customers service when I have a complaint with a company.  If they don’t have an online chat or email center, again, I use snail mail.  I usually get results that way with less frustration.  (I get anxiety from talking on the phone anyway, often, even with people I know.  It’s a strange Bipolar-related symptom).

I’m juggling a lot.  Writing is just one of the balls I have in the air. It’s one of my favorite balls to catch, especially due to its therapeutic properties, but it’s hard to keep up with.  There are more pressing issues I have to attend to:  making sure my children are well cared for and also leading them in the path of Jesus, taking care of my marriage, keeping house, grocery shopping and bills, keeping up with friends, helping neighbors, etc.  But I’ll find time.  Lord knows, I have plenty of inspiration. I’ll find time to make it a priority.

(March 17, 2016 –  twins 1 1/2, Hope 6, Mica almost 8!)

Double Talk Quote: “There’s a hair” – Mica, meant to say chair

Bible Verse: “See what large letters I use as I write to you with my own hand!” – Galatians 6:11

Word that has Lost its meaning: Finished

Relatable Lyrics:  “Under Pressure” by Queen

“Chippin’ around, kick my brains ’round the floor
These are the days – it never rains but it pours…

Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?”

 

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Faking It

 

Shell

Can he tell?  Can he tell that I’m faking it?

Happiness, I mean.  The laughter is real.  The feeling behind it is not.  Can he tell?  Can others?

I feel so empty, a shell of who I’m supposed to be, of who I once was, my soul so bland, dull, dry, and tasteless.  I am, again, uncomfortably numb.

Lamenting about being stable seems hypocritical.  Isn’t that what I want?  Isn’t that what I need?  Is it?  If it makes me not me, makes me unable to feel?

I miss the genuine laugh I’d have when my daughter tells a silly joke.  I miss the genuine tear that I’d cry from the heartache of loss.  I miss the genuine pain I’d feel from stumping my toe.  I miss the genuine feeling of happiness I’d get on a beautiful day like today.  I miss the genuine anger I’d experience from my husband losing his job, again. I miss the genuine joy I’d have of seeing my babies love on each other.  Instead, I’m immersed in apathy.

What have I done to myself?  This wretched illness has robbed me of so much that is precious in life.  Now the medication that’s supposed to help heal me is stealing from me instead.   Stealing my hopes and dreams.  Consuming my spirit.  Making me a robot.

I laugh on cue.

Can you tell?  Can you tell that I’m faking it?

(March 1, 2016 –  twins 20 months, Mica 7, Hope 6)

Epiphany Quote: “See, this is why I stop taking my medication.  I’m not Belle.  I’m a shell.” Thinking:  “I’m Michelle” – Me to my therapist

Bible Verse:  Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:8-10

Word that has Lost its meaning: feelings

Relatable Lyrics:  Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

“…I can’t explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am.”

 

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

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ADHD, Anxiety, and Bipolar Disisum

Mica Homework

Last year, I wrote a 3 part article (see here) about my then 6-year-old daughter, Mica and our trouble getting her diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).  She’d been having difficulties staying focused and getting work completed both at home and in school.  It has taken this long, but we’re at the cusp of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  She’s been diagnosed by a Psychologist, medicated by a doctor and her teachers have seen remarkable improvement.  We are just waiting on some paperwork to complete the process of starting an Individualized Education Program (IEP) for her now.

But in first grade, before the official diagnosis, all the school could do was try different intervention techniques.  I insisted on having a conference with the school psychologist (at the urging of Mica’s pediatrician).  I wanted my husband, Amor to attend the meeting as well so we packed up our 8-month-old twins and Mica, and headed off to our meeting.  The babies were wide awake, so we brought lollipops in case they started fussing (a desperate strategy, I know, but a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do).

I felt a seed of nervousness on our drive to the school.  I had prepared a list of different strategies we had tried.  I felt I would have to prove to the psychologist that there was, indeed, an issue and we had been trying to improve it.  Walking into the classroom, that nervous feeling spouted into full-blown stomach-dropping anxiety:  Not only were the psychologist and teacher there but an entire panel of school teachers, staff, and experts were in attendance as well.

They wasted no time, all talking about my daughter and her “problem,” and all their observations.  No one talked directly to Mica.  No one seemed to acknowledge that she was even in the room.  I could barely focus.  All I could think was how this might be impacting her; her self-esteem, her nerves, her feelings.  A few short minutes into the meeting, I slyly glanced at Amor.  He seemed uncomfortable with Mica being there too.

So…I reached over and swiped the lollipop out of baby Brook’s mouth.  Right on cue, he cried and right on cue Amor swooped all three of the kids up.  “I think I’d better take them outside.” he interrupted, politely.  “Okay, let me gather their things,” I replied.  As I did, I reach in my purse and discreetly slipped myself a Xanax.  After their departure, I was able to articulate to the “team” about the issues we’d been having and our efforts to combat them.  The teacher did the same and we all problem solved for a while.

When we got home from the conference, I took Mica aside.  I gently but candidly asked her how she felt about what had happened earlier.  She nonchalantly shrugged it off.  I pressed on, assuring her that no one thought less of her, and that her brain just works differently than some of her classmates and that in many ways, that was a good thing.  She was cool as a cucumber.  I asked her if she felt nervous when all those people were talking about her.  She calmly said no.  “I just want you to know that it’s okay if you felt a little nervous.  I sure felt nervous,” I said reassuringly.  “That’s because you have ‘Bipolar Disisum,’ Mommy!”

And there it was.  I had almost, inadvertently projected my own befuddled, Bipolar and anxious feelings onto my daughter.

Each morning I pray for blessing, protection, salvation, and supernatural favor for my children.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide them and for Angels to protect them.  In this case, Mica was protected.  I’m so grateful to God for that.  She wasn’t the least bit affected by the conference.  Her self-esteem and self-awareness was intact.  Her clarity of judgement and ability to pinpoint my inadequacies was astonishing.

I started laughing, then she starting giggling.  I tickled her until she shrieked!  The girl may be young but she’s wise beyond her years.

Mica eyes

Double Talk Quote: “Bipolar Disisum,” – Mica, age 6

Bible Verse:  Psalm 127:4 “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.”

Term has Lost its meaning: a timely fashion (it’s taken over a year for the school system to put a plan into place)

Relatable Lyrics: dedicated to Mica:  “You Make Me Smile” by Uncle Kracker – “…I see the best of me inside your eyes…You make me smile.”

 

(Feb 23, 2016 –  Twins 1 1/2, Mica almost 8)

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Bipolar Mommy, Uncategorized

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Out The Window

As I look out the windows of my warm home on this freezing cold, snowy day, I can’t help but appreciate the beauty of nature:

window - bedroom birdhouse

The birdhouse from my bedroom window…

window - Mica's room berries

The berries outside Mica’s window…

window - play room rose

Snow-covered roses from the playroom window…

window - bathroom icesicles

The icicles from the bathroom window…

window - dining room bird's nest

The snowy bird’s nest from the dining room window…

window - LR

Kids playing, from the living room window (Yes, that’s Mary and Joseph still outside in February)…

IMG_20160215_133727

…and from the kitchen window? Nature calls!!!

Double, Double Talk Quotes:  Bella was drinking a slushy too quickly:  “You’ll get freeze brain” – Hope.  “Yeah, you might froze.” – Amor

Word that had lost its meaning:  Windex

Verse: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22

Relatable Lyrics:  “When It’s Over” by Sugar Ray

“All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window”

Category:

Drum Roll Please, Uncategorized

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Meet a Church: Daystar

Daystar Baptism

Daystar Church, in Greensboro, NC is one of the fastest growing churches in the US today. Eight years ago in a small warehouse on the outskirts of town, Pastor Allen Holmes passed out a large, round, green sticker says “Whatever it takes.” Their mission statement is: “Whatever it takes to make Christ followers who grow, connect, serve, and partner together.”   To this day, that sticker is stuck to my mirror.  Since then, the church has grown over 500% and now has three physical campuses, Daystar En Español, and an online service, which can be accessed from anywhere across the globe.  And they have plans to continue to expand.  Their world-class worship team has even produced its own Christmas album.

There are so many things I love about Daystar.  With a church that large, however, it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd.  Their solution is to create a sense of community using “small groups” to connect church members.  I’ve met some great people over the years, some of whom have become good friends and mentors.  They are people I would (and have) turned to in any kind of life crisis.

My favorite thing about the church is Daystar Kids.  They partner with parents, creating an amazing program that teaches children core values from an early age.  I love, love, love, serving with my sister every Sunday morning and watching four and five-year-olds learn about and worship God.  It’s amazing how something as simple as a kid’s praise song can inundate and lift even a grown-up’s spirit!

2015-07-12 Daystar kids - Rainbow

Read more about Daystar on their site here, or an overview by the site:  Church.org.

 

Category:

Uncategorized

Meet A Blogger: SuperMommyOfTwins

Thank You, Anxious Mom for the profile!

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Uncategorized

Last Words

Starlagraph flower painting

Starlagraph painting by Starla Karnes, www.starlaward.com

If these were my last words
What would they be
These blessings for loved ones
That live on with me
When my body is dead
And my eyes cannot see
And I can’t hear what’s said
But my soul lives and breathes

“Last Words”

To my little ones, If my heart ever breaks
I want you to know, that each beat it ever made
Was for you, and so, if is does suddenly stop
My love still exists in every tear drop
That falls from your beautiful, precious eyes,
And in every sprinkle of rain from the sky,
And in every flower which that water feeds,
And in all the air which that plant helps you breathe;
And every time you wish I was alive,
You’ll realize that I still live deep down inside
And every time you feel yourself forming that tear,
I beat in your heart and you know, I’m right here.
I love you

August 7, 2003

MW

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Five Under Five

Los Tornados 2

Los Tornados – Leti’s three

 

It was January 2011.  It had literally been days since my father passed away when I learned that my sister-in-law, Leti, had been assaulted by her significant other, again.  Amor made the four hour trip to pick her and her three children (ages 4, 2, and 8 months) up.  The trip back to our home was much longer, as there was a throw up incident on the way, (which ruined the portable DVD player).  Mica was 2 at the time and I was used to caring for her and Hope, who was 1.  I was pretty used to keeping things like toys organized, categorized, and rotated.  But with the addition of three toddler/preschoolers (who only spoke and understood Spanish) all that went to Hades in a hand basket.

Los Tornados 3

Mica & Hope

It was freezing outside so we were cooped up most days with five kids under the age of five inside our small, three bedroom home.  For the first few weeks, Leti spent time cooking and hanging around the house, catching up with her sister (my other sister-in-law), Tia.  All the while, the kids ran wild.  It was a madhouse and I was certainly not used to that kind of chaos.  With Mica and Hope, I had a relaxed routine, which involved eating meals at regular times, scheduled activities, and playtime – my biggest rule being:  put one set of toys away before bringing out a new set.

But these new kids had absolutely no concept of that rule.  And all kind of “Travesuras” (or mischief) ensued.  Destruction was everywhere.  They would pull toys and clothes out of drawers or off shelves and throw them everywhere, without even looking at them!  The walls were colored on, play dough was smushed into the carpet, crumbs on the floor, poop all over the place, nick-knacks broken, stuffed animals’ heads ripped clean off, even electronics destroyed (you wouldn’t believe the toys I found stuffed in the VCR).  I learned that keeping scissors in the van for emergencies was a bad idea too, when one of the seat belts was cut right in half! Leti’s idea of cleaning was foreign to me as well.  I would sometimes come out in the mornings to find the house looking so neat and clean, only to find that everything had been thrown in one big box.  All the puzzle pieces were mixed in together, along with blocks, socks, and rocks.  It’s funny that with all that destruction, my biggest pet peeve was the brand new markers Mica had gotten for Christmas that were thrown in the mix, with the lids off them, all dried out and useless. Leti, herself, nicknamed the brood “Los Tornados.”

Leti eventually found a job for a while, which left me the primary caretaker of the babes.  It took all my imagination to keep them entertained and from going stir-crazy in that house mid-winter.  I turned the living room into a gymnastic play area, with places for them to jump, roll, and tumble.  I turned my bedroom into a dance zone, with disco lights and high-energy Veggie Tales music.  Mica’s room was toy city.  The kitchen table became an arts and craft zone.

I ended up having so much fun with those little ones.  I fell in love with them.  Any time they started to drive me a little crazy, I just looked at the magazine cut-out I had stuck on the wall after one of our craft projects that said, “Jesus Loves the Little Children.”  It was amazing to me that I was able to handle that, even though they only stayed with us for a few months.  I guess God was preparing my heart for what was to come, and at the same time offering a beautiful distraction from the devastation of daddy’s death.

I never imagined that I would one day have my own little brood of “Earthquakers,” but now that I do, I feel blessed beyond belief, regardless of any “travesuras” they come up with.  As always I pray for blessing, protection, and salvation for each of those little ones.  I love you all so much and you’ll be in my heart forever.

Los Tornados 1Los Tornados 7 - Belle, Stephani, EdwinLos Tornados 9 - Edwin dylanLos Tornados 12 - mica grace

Double Talk Quote:  “¿Quieres jugar conmigo?” – Mica, who at the time had not been formally taught Spanish, but picked it up from her cousins.

Verse: Matthew 19:14:  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Term that had lost its meaning: organized

Relatable Lyrics:  Veggie Tales: “My Day”

“In my bed I start to pray
And tell God all about my day…I had some trouble sharing toys
And during rest time, made some noise
The walls are not for coloring….In my bed so quietly
I rest in knowing
God loves me”

Category:

Cultural Differences, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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Now, Who’s Responsible for Gum in Grandma’s Hair?

Mica Bella Grace Brooks electronics box gum - edited

Grandma recently had the unfortunate misfortune of innocently sitting down on the bed and leaning back onto the baby-proof padded foam wall lined with poke-a-dots.  She didn’t notice the wad of chewing gum blending into the background until she sat up and felt the unmistakable, sticky, cinnamon scented goop stuck on a very prominent part of her recently cut and straightened hair.

It was easy enough to remove, using the old peanut butter and fine-tooth comb trick. But Who, but who, would have carelessly and irresponsibly stuck gum to the headboard of a bed?  Let’s examine possible suspects:

  1. Bella:  She knows what gum is, can identify and say the word gum, but is not know to try to chew it.  Culpability Probability?  slim-to-none
  2. Brooks:  He’s been know to slip gum from mommy’s “electronic’s box” (box where she keeps her remote controls, phones, camera, and baby monitor, oh, and also gum – all in one place so she can reach it while holding two squirmy 18 month olds), but Brooks is not know to actually spit the gum out, much less stick it to the wall.  Culpability Probability?  possible, but not likely
  3. Mica:  She’s always getting into mommy’s gum but from a young age has always been responsible; spitting it out when done and putting it in the trash can.  Culpability Probability?  doubtful she’s responsible
  4. Hope:  Totally something she would do.  Only one problem:  Although Hope has no problem chowing down on super-spicy Mexican food, she can’t handle mint or cinnamon flavored anything, the taste being too strong.  And since the gum was not fruity flavored…Culpability Probability?  not completely outside the realm of possibility, but almost.
  5. Amor:  As an adult, you’d think he’d know better.  Well, let’s just say, I’ve had a similar issue on his side of the bed.  Problem is, he hasn’t been near the bed recently.  Therefore, Culpability Probability?  maybe 1% chance it was him
  6. Mommy Belle:  The mom who religiously insists on good oral hygiene, makes sure all kids brush well twice a day, has even written a song and blog post about teeth, but who also has a not-so-healthy habit of sneaking a snack (night medicine triggers huger) after finally getting the twins to sleep but then is too afraid of waking them to actually get up to re-brush teeth, so she chews xylitol-laced gum to ease her conscience but still too worried about waking two sleeping toddlers to throw the chewed gum away, sticks it to an innocuous place until morning when she gets a chance to clean it up, but may have forgotten this time…Culpability Probability?  hummm, you know what, it was probably Mr. Nobody.

Double Talk Quote:  “You’re going to grow up to be an awesome person!” – Me to Mica  “Like you!” – Mica to me (be still my heart!)

Verse: “ Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.” Proverbs 8:10-11

Term that has Earned its meaning: sticky situation

Relatable Lyrics:  “Weird Al” Yankovic – First World Problems

“Uh, I had to buy something I didn’t even need just
so I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon”

Bella Mica and Brooks with gum

toothbrush ditched for gum

Brooks with gum

Category:

Bipolar Mommy, Drum Roll Please, Life With Twins, Uncategorized

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